Forgive me Father for I Have Sinned

Do you ever just...have those moments where you reflect on all the terrible things you've done in your life? Or re-think social interactions and consider how you acted, say behaved and didn't like who you were then, and question whether you're still that person now? I know us humans are flawed creatures, and sometimes if not more but less than most, we are tainted as well as blessed.

I think memory is a curse that holds our happiness for ransom, forcing us to be victims of our own past as well as the perpetrators.

I feel terrible.

Why did I say that? Why did I react like that? What's wrong with me?

It keeps me in a mind-bending loop. Re-living moments I would much rather forget or pretend they didn't even happen. Yet, I go back to that very moment once I recognise the same feeling, tone of voice, reaction and then the response. Struggling to control myself and the worst parts of who I am.

And what's worse is knowing I can't go back; I can't change things. Knowing the past effects the present which I am in, and I can't change the present, because it is the present. Like now...

Tomorrow I'll re-read this and instantly hate it. I'd rather stayed bottled up. Not healthy, I know, but it's the only way I can gain some control over myself so that I don't have anymore mind-being loops.

I feel like I'm drowning in many moments of regret. I could have been nicer to that person. I wish I didn't end up in that argument with my roommate. Did I do the right thing? It haunts me.

Sometimes it creeps up on me; whether it's halfway through the washing up or in the middle of changing the bedsheets. Then it ambushes me before sleep. I can hear that heated argument echoing in my ears. I can smell the high-pressure tension in the room. I can see auras flip from a cool yellow to a deep dark red full of rage. All with heavy eyes.

Sometimes I think even God has me on mute.

Why should he have to listen to my concerns about mistakes? He already knows I made them, and I'm certain he has sent me a lesson or two, maybe three, so I can change. But do I change, or do I think I've changed until a conflict or a situation arrives that has me feeling like the time my flatmate and I got into a hostile conversation over the bins?

Silly, I know, but it was a stressful time, and we were all feeling the brunt of dissertations. Or am I just making excuses now? I reacted like this because of this? It is because of my circumstances I was the way I was, or it is really who I am?

No-one wants to think of themselves as a bad person, the villain in the fairytales of course. Maybe sometimes we are. Sometimes we are monsters and saviours.

Did I say the right thing? Or did I say something about someone that created a conflict I couldn't see or perhaps refused to acknowledge?

I should be kinder. Apologies are always a good start.

Will I ever have the chance? Maybe not. It is not best to leave it in the past that cannot be undone, rather than dragging something back up when it has already been buried for a few years?

Clearly, I have different versions of myself depending on the person I engage with. This person thought I was cold as I spoke bluntly because I didn't know them and felt anxious. Another thought I was annoying as didn't shut up because I felt comfortable around them and found a common interest. I think I might be excuses again.

I mean...

Can I really be my true authentic self if I change depending on the person in my environment? Or is it just all me? Quiet, loud, loving, and hateful?

And what I hate the most is the terrible things consume the good. It was only one argument about the bins most of the time. We had good chats around the kitchen table...

What is it about those bins that haunt me?

I guess I'll never know.

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