Father of All Dildo's

Let me start by saying that I do not embarrass easy. When I was younger there were many moments where the worst-case scenario happened. I cut the cheese during a test, walked a mile from the restroom with tissue on my shoe, had a boob pop out on a roller coaster as well as on the beach during a volleyball game etc.… but you get the point. By the time I was an adult, few things made my cheeks flushed. Weeks were spent compiling a list of embarrassing moments and though a lot of them were gold no one of them were cringe worthy. It was not until I was arranging my closet for the summer and a few boxes fell on my head that it all came back. Bursting into tears with laughter I declared it the one. Before delving into it let me share the 2nd place and third. In third is Bumble Bee Suit. 2nd place is Fast and Furious Repast, and first place is Father of All Dildo’s

When I was 15 me and my family went to Six flags America. I had this beautiful bathing suit with a sky like background and daisies on it. It was my first time wearing it and I could not have been more excited. We were set up on beach chairs near the wave pool. My sister was recording the entire day because she was on leave from the military and was also an amazing photographer and videographer. She taped everything, all the time. Everyone was on the sidelines as it was a fifteen-minute break. The whistle blew and people jumped up running for the pool. Feeling the same level of excitement! I sprang to my feet and took off. My mother and sisters began yelling my name as I ran. At first, I could not make out what they were saying until my sister ran towards me and I heard her say “It’s a huge bee on your butt”. Right on the center of the daisy was a large bumble bee. Out of fear I began peeling off my suit. My entire family laughing, and spectators of all ages took a good look at my birthday suit. All I could do was cover myself with a large towel and walk to my parents’ car embarrassed and slightly ashamed of my fear. I was done with the water park for the day and my favorite new bathing suit went in the trash.

This happened about a year later after the bumble bee incident. It was after my aunt’s funeral. Everyone met at my other aunt’s house for the repast. For those of you that celebrate the life of a loved one that died differently a repast is where the family does a potluck after a relative’s funeral. A drink is poured and shared in their memory and it is more of an informal memorial. Everyone is still in their funeral attire and enjoying everyone’s company while grieving. I was about 16 so this was still an opportunity to run with my cousins I had not seen in a while. Anxious to hang my cousin and I hopped in the car with an older cousin for a joyride. As we approached my aunt’s house his mother ran outside and began screaming and chasing the car. Eager to escape, my cousin and I unbuckled our seat belts and attempted to jump out as he slowed the car down to turn right. My cousin successfully jumped out while my foot got stuck in my seatbelt. It was with a pencil skirt hiked to my thigh, one leg out spread wide and the other in the open car door, that I showed the rest of my family and most of Allentown road my crotch on a Thursday afternoon.

In 2005 I was bout 20 at the time with a 3-year-old daughter. I was living at home with my parents still, working part time and going to college. There was not a lot of room for rest or a social life, but my parents would babysit while I worked. Me and my dad used to work on our used cars on the weekend. I was not much of a tomboy but that was one of many ways I bonded with him. One day I had worked a double near Christmas for the extra pay. My dad was looking for a tool he had let me borrow weeks ago. Instead of laying my daughter who was on my chest asleep in her bed and getting it myself, I directed him to my closet. Half sleeping, I thought about where I had just sent him. As my eyes widened, I shouted Dad No! As my Timberland Boot box slipped off a stack of books and Buddy (which at the time was the name for my large dildo with the realistic sack) hit my dad in his forehead. I covered my face and died inside. He said nothing and left my room. We never spoke of it and I purchased a small lock box for sex toys. I was mortified in silence.