Fake it 'til you Make it

Everyone feels peer pressure at one point or another. For some, it can lead to addiction or trouble. For others, much like myself, it can lead to faking your first period.

When I was eleven and in 6th grade, I made it my mission to become one of the 'cool kids'. Now, growing up in California during the age of the iPhone and the time of social/political change, our little middle school wouldn't accept popular- or the "P" word - as part of their vocabulary. Even though the hierarchy was just as strong as ever, nobody wanted to admit it. And I was just a desperate little kid trying to survive the world of middle school.

Keep in mind that I was never a big kid. I'd been petite for pretty much all of my childhood which meant that puberty wasn't part of the plan for my first year of middle school. Everyone moves at different paces in those awkward tween years. My best friend was as tall as her dad and had had boobs since she was nine. I also knew that she had already gotten her period. Now, we had a falling out in 6th grade which I take responsibility for. I wanted so badly to be considered cool that I ditched my nerdy best friend and caused unnecessary drama for nothing other than basic attention. I have of course apologized since then and we're now friendly with each other. So, the Summer before middle school, I bought all new trendy clothes and was ecstatic when my dad agreed to let me switch my dorky flip phone out for an iPhone (It was only a model 7, but still). I had all the gear and all the knowledge of what was cool and not. I walked into the school year with my sister's hand-me-down jeans, a new $30 tee shirt, and at least 3 scrunchies on my wrist. I fell into the popular crowd pretty quickly and was very proud of myself. The only problem was, I was still the flat shorty in the group and probably one of the least developed girls in the grade. So, I came up with another "brilliant" plan. My stepmom had started to buy me training bras and deodorant which I definetley did not need back then. But with these tools, I was able to start fake puberty.

I stuffed my bras to content until my 'breasts' were definitley unproportionate to my skinny little body. But people noticed. At least I thought they did. Recentley when I admitted to one of my current friends that my boobs were fake, she told me that she knew all along. This makes perfect sense since locker rooms can't hide toilet paper stuffing in Target training bras. Even though I was happy with my new look, I still wanted to move faster. In 4th period English class, one of the girls informed me about her cramps. Everyone knew what this was code for. I panicked, wishing so badly that I had started, and I blurted out something dumb like, "Looks like we're period twins!" . I faked cramps for the rest of the class and talked as loudly as seemed legitimate for as many people to hear me as possible. After the class, I had a brief fear that my friends would hear about me being on my period somehow and be mad that I hadn't told them. So, I told them as soon as I got the chance. This began to spiral and I felt like I had to prove myself so I didn't get caught in my lie. Before I knew it, I had told most girls in my classes, faked cramps to get out of P.E, stolen some of my desk partner's emergency pads to stash in my backpack, and made up a whole story of bleeding through my pants at an Italian restaurant. But, being the overly desperate eleven-year-old I was, I still felt like this wasn't enough. So one fateful day, I decided to "bleed through" at school. This was extremely dumb considering that I had only ever seen the outdated video they show you in 5th-grade health and didn't actually know what menstruation looked or felt like. It was early morning before my family woke up before school drop-off and I snuck into the kitchen in my pajamas. I sneakily took the ketchup bottle from the refrigerator and squirted a good-sized glob into my underwear before I changed for the day (I later suffered the consequences with a bad yeast infection). This was very idiotic and very uncomfortable to have to endure a car ride and 5 classes with wet underwear before changing for P.E. Then once I was in the locker room I drizzled public school sink water onto my cheeks as fake tears and made a big show of being upset over bleeding through. Of course, any girl who had already gotten their first period knew I was faking it, but all my friends who hadn't, believed me and gave me all the attention I sought.

Anyway, I didn't get my real period until a couple of years later and I'm happy to say I survived it and wish I made the best of my time without the inconvinence of the red devil. Looking back, I'm embarrassed by my past self and happy to say I'm not so desperate to fit in anymore. A word of advice to anyone who needs it, middle school is hard, but don't change yourself for other people.