I hate Facebook. Really. I mean, I was sailing through life in blissful ignorance before Mark Zuckerberg came along and messed things up. Seriously, it was all rainbows and unicorns back in the day. Then, suddenly, it’s 2004, and BAM! There’s Facebook.
There was a time when I had no idea how wrong my friends were about everything from politics to ice cream flavors. I could cruise along not knowing what jerks some people are. Now I can’t even enjoy Thanksgiving dinner without sitting there thinking, “Yep. He’s a jackass. I can’t believe he made that comment on Susie’s post”.
Keep in mind, of course, I don’t even know who Susie is. She’s some random stranger who showed up in my feed but managed to pull the blinders from my eyes about people I share DNA with. Thanks for nothing, Susie!
On a side note, though, Susie, those kittens are adorable. (Who the heck is Susie? Maybe I’ll send her a friend request.)
Before Facebook, unless I was joining you for dinner, I had no reason to care what you were eating. Now every time I look at my phone, your latest meal is all up in my face. I get to judge you for posting endless pictures of your food and for your horrible diet. Why on earth do you eat so much fried food?
Pre-2004, this wasn’t an issue. Now you’re a ticking time bomb and I’m just trying to stay out of the blast zone. I know too much about you and, frankly, it mortifies me. Oh, and by the way, I don’t care if they’re whole-grain potato chips. They’re not good for you! Were you for real about that?
If I could, I think I’d go all the way back to grade school and skip recess with most of those kids. I’d be better off. We became buddies, pals, then grew up, “friended” each other on Facebook and now I’ve lost all respect for them, you, everybody. It’s killing me.
I had no idea how nuts people are. Now I can’t force myself to forget. You post the most ridiculous stuff. Sure, most of the time I “like” it and, occasionally, I’ll humor you with an “lol”, or two. Okay, sometimes I may even drop an emoji into the mix. What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t? It’s hard, though.
Man, I hate Facebook.
Well, that’s all I’ve got for now. I need to go update my status.
About the Creator
Randy Baker
Poet, author, essayist.
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Comments (8)
I relate to this lol!! 😂 So funny but so accurate all at the same time.
Lol, and good for you!!! This the best kind of rant. Yeah, I do hit the like button once in a while but I'm only on FB for the groups and only post on my regular feed once a year to thank people for the B-day wishes. And you're right! If I want to know what you had for dinner I would ask. Thanks for sharing this and for the laughs.
You hate Facebook and you want to go update your status? Hehehe 😂😂😂 ... I love Facebook though. But that was a good one! 😊👍🏻
Lol you've outlined exactly why I don't use my FB. Thought I'd be motivated through Vocal Groups but nope. I just don't get it. And who has time? I barely have enough bandwidth for commenting on Vocal! Sigh..heavy sigh.
When someone asks if they can connect with me I laugh. I’ve left X, but I’m everywhere else.
Lol! Exactly! Especially about the food thing and passing judgement - like "I know you have diabetes and recently recovered from heart surgery - not sure that's recommended & especially so often?" I'm just a terrible person, I guess! :)
😂 How funny. It’s kind of scary to realise that FB has been around for 20 years now.
This got many a chuckle out of me Randy, and I too agree, I hate it there... and on most of the 'social' apps. Nothing all that genuinely social about it. Fav line- "I know too much about you and, frankly, it mortifies me." Ha Thank you for the laughs this afternoon. (Here's my obligatory emoji for yah) 🤣