Do You Want

This is a sad, but true story of false hope, isolation, disguises, lies, drugs, deceit, and more. While someone/as well as everyone on the side of town, I currently have to live in, apparently believes they are more important than any others, aren't they the ones who feel the least important in the bigger picture. With my last name being my maiden name legally now and literally mine only, I have a different type of security than what my married name came with, is what I have been shown. I still know it is a fraud, trying to get me to put the blame on anyone, but the obvious truth.

Not sure what happen while hanging and laying with someone who trauma bonded me from the start. That is something I have realized while being away from him, as well as out of contact. In October of 2020, He tells me he wants purpose in his life, and having me there with him, without the worry of this lie, and working on what I want to work on, instead of getting work trafficked, is what he wanted his purpose to be, helping me better myself, is how he sold it to me. I didn't say yes right away, due to this room I just got into by the grace of god, something that was finally up to my standards as well as being around like minded people, or so I thought. I can't even lie, without my truth being lived, I was and still am worn out, if not more now, then I was then. What he was offering me is it something I wanted as well, and came with the love I was seeking, and guidance from a motherly figure, something I do not have.

I knew it wasn't the person I lived in Apt. 11 with, the one I experienced a life changing (maybe only for me, idk) experience with. I still didn't mind, after all we were hanging out, dating in a way, he was my only friend who let me honor my true self, he was proof that someone doesn't have to have the answer to this huge question in my life, and can still make a difference, for the better. Besides, the person I lived with in apt 11, lost all credibility with me after he surrounded me, and pretty much isolated me, so that I would and could only reach out to him, then he disappeared, and left me with some of the most vile disgusting people I have ever been around in my life. It was only when they would come to the west side of town was it horrible in these ways. I can admit, loneliness got the best of me, more than 2 years ago, and to be honest I didn't have much of a choice it seemed. He was here every morning I woke up, with or without my consent or knowledge. That was until I switched friends, because of who I started to see in him, a behavior of a rapist. An ex boyfriend of less that a month, 6 years ago, who ended up trafficking me sexually, then once I quit talking to him, he trafficked me using work, and to this day, is still trying to work traffic me. That short lasting nothing, has cut me off from all resources that are mine and again mine alone. Hoping I will go to work, so I don't even end up getting paid, then come to realize that where I live is the gas chamber of my last job, I mean sheesh, give me something positive huh, I human like you? He is a terrorist, and maybe I will write a story one day about his disgustingness, but he is still only giving me mail that doesn't even have my legal name on it, very past tense, and very passive aggressive, trying to pin it on a man, I know wouldn't accept these living conditions for me, and would change it immediately, I mean, we have standards, but I am blocked from reaching for him as well.

Not to mention, this ex is only around so no one else can be, and an insider for a very unethical person of the medical community. She may have been a part of in my best friends death, by ignoring her oath on purpose. Whether it was to hope I followed my best friend into death, or if she is really that ignorant to believe I would ever reach out for a one sided nothingness. She is a true narcissist, she is just missing the supply to her ego from me, and I missed nothing about her. If anything, her absence brings me peace, certainty and joy, something a narcissist like herself can't stand.

In October 2020, I ended up having to say yes, since he went against my wishes, and came over to the place I was living, and didn't want to give up, just to have me kicked out of my room.

I seen that ex from 2014 in him and where I am is exactly what a break up from him produces, and wanted a place to go and live my life and stay on any progress made, when his behavior that I don't allow in my life, shined through. He is the ex that takes away all progress made, to this day. As I thought I was somewhere safe, after all, the person who asked me, was not my ex boyfriend. He is new, and I needed new, with someone who understood that what he was offering is exactly what I needed, not to mention keeping my mind distracted from all the things I cannot control, is an actual job for some, and to others its a friendship with perks.

I was going through a lot, and just went through a lot. I did need the kind of love or like we had, only to find out that it was all fake love. The longer it went on, the easier it was to detect. Knowing what my mind has been through, as well as my body, I truly believed in him, and I haven't trusted anyone in awhile, which isn't a good feeling. Therefore when I decided to trust him, it is like a weight coming off your subconscious, and I begin to feel ok again. When the unethical nurse and her Isis crew found out that being there, made then completely irrelevant, while I am getting to be ok, and as an adult, that is fine, people move on and evolve everyday. She didn't like it and had her inside boy, bring in drugs, triangulation and messed it all up, during a time that no one's frame of mind was right. I personally have never been awake for 6 days straight and no matter what I did, I could not sleep. Was I being gassed? As it plays out, I see now that she was being told to leave, seen an opportunity to take drag me down as well, and did? It still doesn't make sense to me, and if I had it my way, it never would. I would move onto someone who I know is real, and when I am in his embrace, this time around, everything would be real. Since being gas lighted, and thrown around like a rag doll, I believe that I deserve the sense of security, that isn't a lie. I don't know what is real and what is not, and these people who don't belong around me, make sure to keep it that way, I don't deserve that.

This person I put trust in, ruined every opportunity I had going for me, and knowing he was going to do what he did, that has to be a crime, and if not, to karma it sure is, and I'll leave it at that. This person did all these weird, nasty and hateful things, when all I was there for was love, all to get me back to a place that I have already been, and evolved from as well as outgrew. Not to mention it is with the same people I had to tolerate summer of 2020, and heal from. A place that if I was married, and divorced as well as didn't ever speak to my ex husband since 2006, maybe this is that security, but the man I spent my whole life with basically, has the same standards as myself, so I doubt it. This person mentioned timing, while in a gas chamber, during the winter, with a blockage on my phone, no car, and the weather, that person is right, what a time to gas someone in my position. All organized.

However, changing my name to my maiden name, (unaware it was a complete game changer, many won't face, it is not their life to face) solely to see if that would bring my father out, or a part of him, something. That is who I truly need, after all it is his absence that has allowed people to believe they can treat me less than human. Steal from me, lie to me, toss me around, and just do things that people just don't do to other people. It has been heart breaking, so when I was offered this security, the one that is the only one who should be getting perks, I was relived. Life has shown me I can't control what is going on with that, but that doesn't mean I have to be surrounded by vile, mean people I would never associate with.

When this lie is lifted, it will be proved I truly have no time to waste. However wasting time happy and healthy, as well as focusing on yourself, isn't wasted time. I have other things to do, like create myself a purpose, but no matter what I do, every time, I end up in the wrong place, and for the wrong reasons, without even choosing it. I suddenly feel like I am not even living for myself. I am not cared for the way I care for myself, or someone in my position should be, and I am surrounded by bad vibrations to the point, I had to change up my sleep schedule, for my souls sake. As well as people who poison me, and have threaten my life in a different location, wearing a different disguise. Super safe right, sadly someone is under the wrong impression that if I am safe, they can keep my allowance. That isn't the case at all, believe me, it is my life after all. I didn't say anyone could keep any of my mail, imagine how egoistical some are, to believe they can get away with that crime, for as long as they have.

Back to how I have lost a friend, who clearly doesn't care about my life, which sucks, since I was making it, doing just fine before he went on and pretended like I meant something to him, or that he cared for me. It has been 10 months now, and he ghosted me, when the people who helped organize me to where I am now, have discarded me, and told me good luck. These people pretend to be my parents, that is why I am forced to deal with them, I never have had many people to rely on, but my mother and father. However, the fakes did what they wanted, divided and conquered that friendship, or false friendship of 5 years, only to be needed again, then leave me when I need help up, and need their emotional support the most. They tell me, good luck, each and every time. I don't even know what that means. Another reason, why I seen that basement as a blessing, I didn't have to tolerate these people anymore, their abuse, nothing.

I wish that this whole thing would of left me in New Mexico, then when I tried getting back onto that job, my phone was stolen, a block was put on it, and I could no longer reach the person who could get me on a plane, out of this creepy place, where I am treated less than an animal lately, no joke, told you it was sad. I truly thought him and myself were in it for the long haul, since he ruined every chance I had to leave, so did another once, but his feelings weren't fake, and we went on for year, and had to be forced apart, that is my type of person, and I rather be completely alone, than deal with anything less. This new guy acted like he wanted me there, so he would go out of his way, to pick me up from another state, while not having a car, only to leave me hopeless and regretful, that I left behind New Mexico, and all the places I was going to go, and a place where a sense of belonging existed.

The guy in the basement, told me he was sober, and that is the only reason I allowed him to pick me up from New Mexico, a place I was at and working a traveling job. He is truly one of the cruelest people I have ever encountered as time went on. Since he wasn't even sober, and just crushed everything I wanted, after his behavior changed, I didn't want much to do with him. He also got abusive, and I am an aggressive person, so if I feel abused, then man, you are abusive, face it.

When him and myself were on the east side of town, it was like we were best friends, it was only when someone would jump inside his face and come to the west side, did I feel violated and just didn't like him.

As he started to count time, at the end of October, I knew something was off, more than just his time frame, that was something we or he never did, or anyone who is in life by your side unconditionally does. I never did that with any of my real friends. He took care of me the way I truly needed then. Now I need something more, but he thinks time passing will let all the disrespect go away. He hasn't done anything to show me he cares about my well being or life in general. His neglect, has killed the created feelings, he created himself, for me to have for him. I just need a solid friend, and that is what he preys on.

All I am now is around thief's who poison me, and these are my darkest days to date, and to be treated the way I am is truly unacceptable to me. My needs are neglected, and I can never even reach the person on the east side that was my friend, or was he? While the owner where I am now just watches, and allows it to continue, says he wants to see me happy, then his actions, efforts and lack thereof say the exact opposite. I am not stupid, I am stuck.

The fake out east, used my fathers credit to acquire a car, added in some triangulation after the new year 2021, and just would hurt me for no reason, with projection, unkindness, abuse, and all out rudeness. Suddenly, he no longer met my standards of who I would want in my life. This is why I wanted to keep a place I could leave when I wanted to.

He discarded me methodically, he wanted me to pine for him. He used to come care for me even after I left, because there are stalkers out here on the west side that I just shouldn't have to deal with. After taking away all my human rights, shoving me into the only room that summer of 2020, literally watched me grow out of, rubbing salt in all the wounds I have, as well as poisoning me, taking my meds, and gassing me, and that's where I am now. The friend I thought I had, went complete ghost on me, just when I needed him to be the person my last, now maybe future person never was.

After all the effort and nonsense, I truly believed in him, when he asked me if I wanted to come back, this was about 3 weeks or less after leaving. My spirit and soul are just to fragile to be out here like this. When it was all false hope, and he did it to me yesterday, with Snapchat and the word, "hold on" to keep me feeling what? Not ok, not well and not that good with throwing away my self respect, when what I want is the last 6 years erased. Once again, the divide and conquer crew weaseled their way into my life again, so they could be needed, only to let me down, and become un-needable, unreachable, and unreliable. Discarded, again, by the same people who just look different.

Organized crime and gang stalking, on top of human trafficking, one would think that it is time to back off and let me be where I am embraced, not a burden. The friend I had out east, knew that I was being used for work, and was used for sex prior to this. When he asked me if I wanted to come back, I was relieved, because that is the kind of environment I can thrive in, it's the security that my maiden name comes with. I never wanted for anything, unless the thief's took my medication, which he would replace. I had someone to remind me to eat, after all this is a very depressing time, and I rarely eat, and my life is just as important as others, if not more. I hate to put it that way, but yes my life is more important than whatever divide and conquer's motive is. I believed I was with one of my fathers from awhile ago down there, however my father would never ever put me in a position that made me confused and question my own spot in a place, my own sanity, or what is real and what is not. That basment, clearly so many can be there, maybe even the person responsible for the death of the woman whose bed she lies in, now that is where the word, good-luck come into play.

It is actually ridiculous, how these frauds and fakes can be everywhere I should be able to be at, but am shoved into this corner room, which is a gas chamber. Needless to say, he never came back and fixed what he broke. He won't even see that I was organized away, so that these people I am around right now can be needed, and now I need for everything. I needed him to be a real one, and every night that goes by, I realize that everyone, even people that you don't see the signs of this new age behavior, actually do have it.

The sole thing I asked him to protect me from I had to see again, and they are all here where I am. He wants me to pine for him, but I pine for something else now, something real, something that I don't have to give up my self respect to feel safe, after all that is not how anyone's life should be.

All it takes is one bad apple, and everything goes to hell, but none of them are missing their father like I am, none of them have more than one father, everyone is out for money and what my presence comes with. While I am here, suddenly no one has to work, that has been the pattern since I left my mothers house just 7 months after my friend passed. While I sit here and need for everything, these fake people need for noting and that is backwards.

It hurts my heart to know that not one of them from 6'2 to eye level wants to see me happy, and thriving? Or will come pull me out of where I was dragged to. I believed in him, I trusted him, I needed him, and I don't let my guard down like that for many, and for him to take advantage of it the way he did and still does, hurts my heart.

Like, why can't he come get me and get me right, be the ear I need to talk to, he knows I needed him, and maybe he enjoys that, but will he enjoy it, when someone finally steps up, and comes through, and then he will never see or talk to me again. Let alone experience any of my benefits? Everyone who didn't make themselves permanent, are now disposable and that was their choice, I just wish one of them from the east or north side would come get me away from these using ass dummies, who I know were kicked out, took advantage of someones absentee and dragged me out with them, only to abuse me, harass me, when all I need is a hug and some cuddles. It's just upsetting that not one of them will do the right thing. Knowing I would do it for them. After all you can't keep something that isn't yours, when it's meant for my maiden name's security, no where I belong will ever be these cast offs drug house, it is my maiden names security.

Yet here I am, getting discarded by the same people as that day, in hopes they can work traffic me again. I do need help from someone like the east side version of him, or the north side version of another, someone with common sense, someone with compassion, someone who should be caring for me and vice versa. I needed you.