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When my Heart Cries

by I am me Amanda Nissen/Champion 5 months ago in Family · updated 5 months ago
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It cries for you

When my Heart Cries
Photo by Jilbert Ebrahimi on Unsplash

While I remain in a life that is not mine, with bad vibes and vibrations as long as my energy can feel, suddenly and often I will get aches in my heart. My heart is aching to be home with you, and the family we made. My heart can feel our baby's heart, and he is in pain often, I sometimes wonder if you feel it too, I don't think you do, because it is so excruciating that if you felt what I did, this division would end immediately.

I often think of our last days together, and they were a blur for sure, but what bums me out the most is how I wasn't there for you like you have been for me, you wouldn't let me be and if I would have foreseen us getting targeted, stalked and harassed, I would of stayed by your side. Since people have been taking advantage of me being alone in life, it feels as though I am being held hostage, and from my own life is exactly how it feels and seems like. My path is different from anyone who thinks they know anything about me. My disowned half breeds don't have what I have, and that is something they can't wrap their head around, no matter what consequences go their way, I know they think this aching heart is going to be kind to them, but it can't. I cannot afford the chaos they bring, and they just aren't worth having in my life anymore. Not after the cruelty they have shown me and up to this day show me.

The disowned half breed, broke forever peasants, who have been trying to steal what is mine, have manipulated the ladies who try to be my mother. To the point that the ladies who aren't my mother, and quite frankly have ruined her reputation don't realize is they are batting for the wrong side. When my mothers favorite thing to do is discuss each one of us, with each one of us, I come across someone so manipulated by broke (everything is about money to them, that is why it is mentioned often) half breeds, that they don't even realize that they are being cut off, simply because they can't play their part.

Even though I know I am main conversation when it comes to them, I can't ever express the very valid and real feelings that I have for them, on why they are not going to be spiraling up out of this world with me one day.

Here is one reason, man do I have so much to talk to you about, but here's a peak of the energy going on today, and its the miserable little half breeds where broke is in fact in their DNA and has always been an option for them. On the other hand, they deny me my truth and act as though I can live day to day life, like I am them. When I simply can't, since I have an everyday father who, usually is my best friend, one cannot just go on an live as though that main person never existed. Sure I have had distractions, but that is for the best, and still is. However, my distractions have been blocked from me being able to get to them, knowing I need them, they just leave me in the worst spot, (summer 2020) to die.

I am not my half breeds whose father hasn't been a part of their everyday life, and I cannot pretend anymore. I have had a present and very good father everyday, my whole life, which means when his soul is no longer around, my life changes, and that is something that the ones keeping everything stagnant refuse to understand. So many years wasted and for what? To see me sad, hurt and hopeless, wow what sisters I have, that is why I had to disown them. I already knew since summer 2016, when I went homeless, because someone was told my father died, and that prompted them to be exactly who they are, when he isn't around, a mean, hatful people. Then in winter of 2019, I went homeless again, which makes no sense, considering that I am the only one promised a house for this reason, because this is who people are when they believe you are alone in this world. Mean, nasty, and take advantage of you. All my half breeds had an extra room, the winter of 2019, but acted as though I was the biggest burden, so I disowned them. Knowing I'm still grieving the loss of someone closer to me than any of them have ever been, they just kicked me to the side, like trash and carried on with their lives. I was nothing to them, and strangers were kinder to me than they have been.

Now they are upset that I have disowned them, because even though they try to deny my future, its undeniable. Yes my father is a super star, and to me he was one, before he knew any. Instead of getting me to a better me, they have taken the last 6 years to shove me into the ground, and hope I follow through with ending my life. I have suicidal idelation, which means I think about suicide often, but until 6 years ago, I only attempted 1 time, but this last 6 years, I have attempted to many times to count, and it's like people who think they belong in my future, but watch me struggle and add to it, don't realize the value of life or family, or bonds for that matter. The same ones who prey on my mental illness, are the same ones thinking they will be with me when I get to my father, or that I will finacially care for them, when all they do is keep my money from my father away from me. Money that is there for me to live, have a roof over my head where it is safe, and cope with his absense, until he is no longer absent. I won't do for these people who want despertly to be considered family, what they won't do for me. My kindness has lead way to many people to belive that I am uncapble of being cold hearted, something that I now have to be, but it's not who I am, just another survival skill.

While being wrapped in all the excitement of the good old days when my fathers presence wasn't dreadful, I used to get caught up in the excitement of my father being in Denver, in my 20's. Therefore I could not tell the difference between a couple of them, since they carried the same energy as my father, and same love as my father. To this day, I don't know who was around when, but I do know it started when I was 17, graduating and my father or fathers came out for my graduation, and I loved him blindly, up until loving anyone blindly, began to hurt me. Since people took advantage of my love, I had to stop loving everyone momentarily. Then I ended up in a very weird situation, that if I tried doing anything good, someone would come around and treat it like a competition, therefore, I had to stop being myself, and that just isn't fair.

Back when a certain super star was my father, with the same build and height, as well as energy and love was on point, is when the same person who picked me up in 2011 from my fathers truck, off the Windsor exit, realized something and ever since, she has been trying to divide me from anyone that can lift my spirits. To get abruptly torn from the crew when I needed them the most, didn't hurt enough, as it unfolds, I realize that a group of people have been planning my father and my bonds demise for 13 years, because the fact is, I am a different creature than those half breeds, who love to say they are my sisters, but couldn't be anything but cruel ass haters that I have never encountered before, who will be left down here on this broke earth, when the day I get to go on my path, finally arrives, only because they made it that way for themselves.

I have no idea why they thought it was even up for debate when it comes to my father, someone they haven't shown any interest in since 1991. However once money is involved, everyone changed up on me, they have isolated me, manipulated anyone not unaware of facts to discard me and have even tried to kill me, or have me kill myself.

Proof was in the actions taken by the people I am around right now, from the day I got here, they didn't see a hurting soul, they seen a dollar sign they could use and kick to the most devalued of places. I never get to spend time with my mother anymore, because it's not my mother, it is some delusional, manipulated, weak ass version of her that my sisters made up, only to waste my time, kill my spirit, and keep everything stagnate, when that isn't at all what my father and me are about.

Drug addicts represent my parents now, I have seen needle marks on their arms as either one, and when I had to empty my bag out, in front of someone, who wouldn't even look twice at it, because she knows it takes a lot for me to exist in this lie, but this one seen my bag of disability as fun, I seen it in her eyes and knew. I even called her out and said while you see fun, I see things that have made me disabled and the longer the lie goes on the worse I get.

Knowing this, they direct me back to the last place I used, have gassed me, stolen from me, punched my brain a lot as well as have it so blocked, I couldn't move if I wanted to. It is in these times where I miss our family, because as someone who has been around from the beginning knows, knows they aren't shit when it comes to me. I think it is my 3 sisters with some hater in disguise friends, that is my dark cloud. They have already proven that they literally make things up and start rumors that make no sense, to keep us apart.

What is funny is watching your older sister ruin herself for a relationship like ours, she couldn't get it, and then that is when the dividing and conquering between us began, heavily. I need you man, I don't need no half ass, your my favorite, but I actually don't even care about your life person. Who just insulted me and my father this Christmas, while leaving me by myself and in my own mind, during what couldn't be a worse time, which has been proven by the multiple suicide attempts since people who didn't belong, got involved and ruined everything.

Ever since we became friends and you gave me my own money, so I could live without this gross energy around me at all times, living with the summer of 2020 when they once again threaten my life, terrorized me and more. It is all organized crime that I am over being at the end of their own thoughts that are not reality, because they are not me. It is during these times I need you the most, some higher power gave some dip shit a second chance and all he did was ruin my life more than it already was, right after I scrapped and crawled out of this exact hell and into a brighter place, they dragged me back down to the point I can't afford a damn thing, I can't even be myself, I don't shower much anymore, I would say it's from depression, but the fact is, summer 2020 are terrorists and I can't even get a hot shower where I am expected to pay to be exploited, held back in life, walk on eggshells, be in a room that is insulting as fuck, on top of all that, just like 2014, I don't get responses when I reach out to look for better living, it is a pattern of that dumb low life boy with shaved arms, who ended up parting me and the only person I thought was true, turns out he is as fake as the rest. I feel so alone, all out of love and no one to talk to about real life, where getting a dumb ass job isn't top priority anymore in my life, finding you and my father are.

The bottom line is, I need you to pick up the wreckage from the last 13 years, and just own it. There was a time period that I didn't need these hateful creatures of whoever, and it made them so upset, they hunted me down, and well google stalker and that's what it is. The person I believed to be true, left and I have accepted that. I need you to do what you do best and love me again. I haven't had genuine love and care in way too long. I need it as soon as you can get to me also, since I forgot to mention, while this fella did exactly to me what 2011 father of mine did, moved out and just left his persona for anyone to wear, while actively building him a lawsuit, from the poisoning, the organized crime. When I first got here, he or she the lines are real blurred at this point, put me in a room that has access to it through the closet and the day I got my mental health medication, it was stolen and the believed to be owner, enables this person who has threaten my life more than once, and since they are still around against my own free will, that is the only thing they are committed to, is killing me.

I need to talk to you so bad, my heart hurts every day these days. This person clearly forgot about you, and thinks his words with his actions being the exact opposite is going to help in any way. They have gassed me to the point of aspirating my lungs, poisoned my coffee maker so much, that after 2 drinks or sips really, I had a stomach ache for the day.

I do not want to enter this new year with the last 13 years of problems and I need you now, I need you to override this matrix situation and keep me by your side, because paying someone for a space I would never pay for to begin with, then pay them to gaslight me, lie to me, poison me and control he water, to the point where that yuck stuff was in my hair yesterday and I haven't showered for 3 days at this point, and what I get is a half ass, luke warm, non reliable shower and for shit to be in my hair that regular water doesn't do. I pay for my mental health to be off and shaky at all times.

I will admit, I was healing when I lived in Aurora, but ever since I changed my name, every one wants to waste my time and use my fathers credit for new cars, while I remain car less for coming up on 2 years. It is just adding insult to injury and I need you now more than I did in the freezer at Perkins. Not to mention, maybe you could explain why I have a bald spot after forcefully spending an hour with someone that wasn't you and someone I couldn't wait to get away from, and if you only knew how happy I was to be able to see you that day, I thought finally I am walking into reality, my reality, I am going to be able to talk to the man who knows what this fake fuck does to me. He hasn't changed at all and still gaslights me and has females cake up my coffee maker with chemicals if I happen to be gone all day. On a day I was gone, I ran into the same fat faced dummies who aren't my father, could never measure up and I went to make money and all I got was set back.

It feels like their objective here is to have me lose my mind, and my best friends ex lived up to the potential I knew he didn't have, discarded me in the cruelest way, and I have never been discarded like that before. Just goes to show how little those people know, they thought they used me all up and tossed me away, without realizing, I am the only source without limits. He has stayed away since, and I just want to get away from this fake world, and back into your embrace, because I know so much would come off my mind and being with you again, someone who understands me and cares about my mental and physical well being, would make me so happy.

Right now I am dealing with the kind of people who take advantage of things, for example its snowing and cold, and it's winter, there is no better time to gas chamber someone without a car, and that is what they are doing. Last night, they tried creating a space to come into my room unwanted, and I just laid there and listen to them do this, felt my bed shake and move gradually, heard them literally right under me. If there has ever been a time to show up for me, it would NOW.. these people are dangers only to society, they won't hurt themselves, but last night felt like zombies were trying to come through under my bed, and I don't know what's next and I don't want to. As a grown ass human, I have the right to leave when I want, well this terrorists crew has me double backed into a corner and I need you now. I live with the same person who lied under oath, who threaten my life more than once and has followed through daily with it, by poisoning my coffee, it happen one time out east and just like when I am with you, a mistake is once, she chooses to do this daily.

They don't spend their days trying to better themselves, they spend their days wondering what they can do next to drive me crazy, not knowing that a mental hospital would be amazing right now, compared to these low vibrations of people rubbing things they took from me, in my face and then letting crazy brain have access to me, I can feel someone just sitting on top of me and it sucks. I am an energy reader, I didn't chose to be, but it's really effecting me and the end game here is me in a casket, so I am not happy. They can't stand to see me happy, they somehow have blocked all human connection from me as well have dragged me down, and then it hit me, I don't need more pills, I need human connection, not attachment, but connection, like how I felt the day I was headed to home depot, that kind of connection and soon. I don't want to live another hour of this year with these people who refuse to evolve or acknowledge another evolving, we have to get our family unit back, if you care about it at all, you are the one who could just come throw me over his shoulder and take it from there, the cast offs, like mediation don't know us, only we know us, and all I know is I need you today.

I don't want anyone else at this point, no one would feel genuine, the limb killer heard that the job to keep me smiling and not dwelling was open again and then took my phone and did something to it. For example, your I phone having ass, suddenly doesn't have one.

Fuck this lie, stand for something with me, so my heart doesn't have to break again tonight, while I lay in a bed I am too big for, with multiple other options, its just the gas chamber of the house as well as the most devaluing thing someone could of done.

He heard something and took it out of context, because I have been forced to look into human right lawyers, and weirdly enough, I will sign up for a service, and not get one email response, weird huh? I haven't been paid from 7-11, now seeing that this is 7-11, and they owe me money, but leave it to people who are dumb enough to try and get one over on the Government to tell me I owe them all this money, so they can abuse, exploit and keep my mail from me.

If you don't know by now, people need to face that they will never know, and holding me hostage isn't the way to find out.

I have no will to live, they even trying to represent you man, they left a stereo at my door after that post, the coffee thing, it all leads the memories of the limb killer, I need you. She has been acting dumb as fuck ever since I returned in 2016, as my mother ect ect... she is stalking me, isn't that a trip, add in her group and bam it is in fact organized crime. I was hoping last year I was staying with someone with common sense, and I was proved wrong. Last nights gas was pretty heavy, my limbs keep falling to sleep, see I could talk to you for the rest of my life, still.


About the author

I am me Amanda Nissen/Champion

Just someone with a lot going on in her life, currently it's not as positive as my life usually is, but I am writing my way through it. After all nothing lasts forever..

I am hoping for more positive creations, and not true crime issues.

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