Created Feelings

I had this happen to me, and it still has no ending, even though for myself it already ended, but the way I live, I can tell the ending hasn't occurred yet. Like I could never think of half of the shit that has happen in my life recently, it's just what I am experiencing. I have no free will, and this is my experience with created feelings.

I am an independent, alpha like female, like the woman who raised me. Anyone who could relate to that frame of mind and living with no free will, would understand how frustrating it is. All because some guy wants to create feelings that you don't have for them. Hate to ruin the ending, but it was for nothing, if it was for anything, it was hurt me while I was already in pain. Seems to be a theme of Knives personality and pattern. He did all this so that in the end he could leave me confused, gas lighted, and feeling crazy. The created feelings were also sober and when that went out of the equation, and drugs came in, as well as people I don't want to be around is when the end of it began.

Since I have an open mind Knife has been preying on it for no real reason, he doesn't know me and I don't know him, but since I reached out to him, he has been playing games and hurting me as if he is the only person on the planet. While I am looking for a friend, he wants to play games. He was running weird game on my now passed best friend. Since I trusted the person I knew as Knife, I am now stuck in a place my mind has already evolved from as well as my body, and my whole being. I can't even love myself fully here, around low vibrations. It is also just another place I once felt safe, 2 years ago as well as cared about, but not anymore. I feel depressed, hopeless and extremely helpless, around people who watch you struggle, even though people who can watch you struggle or even produce your struggle, I have learned the hard way, they are not your people.

I don't want to be in this place, when my doctor said that renting a room would be moving backwards, while I accumulated to living with Knife, and his mother, feeling better, one could even say happy, what my doctor said made sense to me, and now nothing does.

Someone feels like I don't deserve what everyone else has, someone to fall on, parents, friends, ect. When I fall, they think I am not worthy of my own life basically, or even the things they have. Every time I get knocked down by these frauds I loved as my father since June 2012. Very cruel, if you ask anyone with common sense. I have picked myself up every single time they have brought me to a rock bottom I didn't even know existed, and my choices didn't lead me there, but others, frustrating right?

This time, I feel it in my gut, I can't get up on my own and I need saved. I am not trying to meet these same dicks who pull me backwards inside of a new person, like they are hoping for. Being saved or dying is the only way I see getting out of this phone world I created in Oct, 2016 by accident. I called on unconditional love, and got nothing but chaos to this day. I hope god knows I need out of here, for the well being of everything inside and out of me, and quickly.

I still have yet to understand why I am not with my real father, if hes asleep, then I will sleep next to him, or in a spot where I can do things for myself and my child, but nope, in a place that is slowly trying to poison me, again another story I will write.

I know I could be somewhere else,it is my fake phone world after all, and if random people can be in the places that these extras don't need like I need, it is my fathers last name, now my birth right last name, so why can't I be in the places the same people around me can invade and ruin? I should be in a nicer place, with common sense flowing through it, instead of gas and drugs.

In October 2020, when Knife asked me to live with him, so I could focus on important things and not need people who just abuse me, well I was going to say yes, but only if he could respect my boundaries, since I was reluctant to say yes, since I did just make it to a very nice place, where drugs were not flowing and neither was gas. I told him, sure, only if I could keep the room that is up to my personal standards for awhile, to ensure that we work. A self respecting, and confident man that I would want in my life and who is asking me for the right reasons, would understand that.

However, Knife ensured to get me kicked out of the room I just crawled from another rock bottom to, after that conversation we just had and now I had to live with him, so we didn't start on a good foot. Not to mention, I asked him if I could stay with him so that I didn't have to experience the hatefulness of summer 2020, same people that are around me, same ones to commit to nothing, but ending my life. Again, another story for details.

Did I feel safe there, yes. When I experienced the mannerisms, voice and laughter of someone who knew this pain I was in, I felt even safer, and wow was I wrong.

Knife knowing I wanted him there with me and needed him there with me, he let me down, and discarded me in the end, about 10 months into everything, with no warning and after keeping me awake for 6 days. He basically got me to fall for him, and he wasn't even there to catch me when I fell, instead someone that doesn't care about my smile, my life, my happiness, nothing about me, yet another true narcissist I encountered, and am still living in their hell, wishing someone cared enough to save me from it, after all his colors as another shined bright when I was alone for Christmas, after telling me I could spend these holidays with him and his family, not even something I wanted to do.

I wanted to continue healing where I was at, my Aunt's house far away from all the gas lighting, and where Oxyticin (the love chemical) existed. Therefore more wasted time that I could and should be with my actual father, or my baby's father and my son. Instead of having my feelings played with for no reason and being around the divide and conquer crew.

When Knife asked me to come live with him in his basement, to focus on what I am pursuing, and take a certain weight off my shoulders, I was going to say yes, but never got the chance to, he was offering me the kind of security that everyone deserves to have, and some truth about things, told me things that made sense for years, I really liked him up until I had to see who I asked him to protect me from again, and lost more than I gained, I did however gain more confusion, being in that car with that person, and now in a house with the same people I asked him to protect me from, with no care or wonder about if I am ok, that is when I mentally left Knife, and my mind opened even more.

Needless to say, I got no say in the matter and my life as well as everyone who valued my best friend is the only one's whose life has been deeply effected by Knife, and his continuing nonsense. Before discarding me, he used my last name to get a car, drained me of what he thought was everything, kept me from a place that would be better than where I am, a job traveling, but nope, he picked me up in New Mexico, making me believe he felt for me, the feelings he created inside of me for him. Only to kick me to the curb a month later, after keeping me awake for 6 days, he discarded me suddenly, leaving me in the most vulnerable position ever, I can't call upon my best friend, since she trusted him.

It was as though no one involved in that day, had PTSD, something I thought if we shared anything, we shared that, and what he did, just isn't something anyone does to anyone with PTSD does to another, it was the cruelest actions I have felt up until where I am, since I don't allow people with certain behavior traits in my life for long.

While still living there, he looks at me and says, "I don't want you as an enemy." Every action since has showed that he wants me as enemy. I am not what he is used to, and never will be. I will demand you to be more of yourself and expect the same effort back. Since I have to be alive right now, for whatever reason that is, I should see the same effort in why I should stay alive. There is a job in the mix somewhere, but only someone who accepted me before then can have it, I want genuineness, not fake love.

I have given up, my soul has given up where I am, I have accepted too many things. I got punched in the brain so much, so that these cast offs of my parents could be "needed" again, only to be the most unneeded people I have ever encountered, and away from them would do me good and wouldn't even need them without another, if they would leave my life alone. They are so confident, the cast offs, that they, and so do I, the time between then and now, and his ghosting is kind of unacceptable to myself and my standards, but I'm in no position to turn away a better environment, where I don't get poisoned. It is believed they have torn up Knife and my connection so much, and Knife has proved that to be true.

Too sum it up, Knife created feelings for him, that I didn't have, played with them, still does, and will never change, while he is all I have in this fake world, I never ever meant to create.

As soon as I left Knifes, the same ones that wanted me away from him, so I could need them again, have treated me more like a burden than ever before. I just wish one person could see through the bullshit and instead of letting me become hopeless each day, maybe say, fuck this and take my side, get me out of here and take me to a place I will never need these assholes ever again, and that will make them fade from the phone world I accidentally created.