Dear Noah

Dear Noah – (Letter number one)

Hey,

This feels weird. We’ve never met. And I don’t even know if you exist...but...I think I miss you. Up until recently, I’ve been fine. Completely unaffected and uninterested by romance or relationships. I’ve never had the desire to be with someone or to be intimate. I honestly thought there was something wrong with me. Everyone did. Everyone does. But recently, I feel You. I feel the warmth of your arms around me, randomly, and all of a sudden. I feel the shadow of your kisses on my back, or your fingers interlacing mine, and my heart stops a moment. I have never met you, but I think I miss you.

I’ve seen you in my dreams. When I was younger and again much later. When we were kids, you had a head full of curly hair and we were about 9 or 10, playing hide and go seek in a school gymnasium. I was a child, so I wasn’t thinking in terms of attraction, I just thought I’d had a dream where I’d made a friend, but I didn’t forget you. Your face would pop up in my thoughts every now and then. And I didn’t think anything of it, until years later, when I dreamt of you again. This time, much older and still with the head full of hair. But now, your hair looked a little longer, past your ears, and curled at the ends. Did you grow it out? It looks good on you.

This time, you were standing on a balcony. Your white shirt open and flowing behind you whilst you held onto the railings looking out. I walked up behind you to be greeted by your broad shoulders and I remember how deeply I wanted to place a kiss between your blades. Right where I could feel your heartbeat on my lips and wondered if you would let me. If I could bring my hands around to your chest, then lay my head on your back and hide there a moment, from the world - as I have never done but have often wanted to. To feel protected. Just the two of us.

But then the scene changed, and we were suddenly surrounded by other people, mostly women, around a pool table. I could feel my jealousy creep in as I watched them be in awe of you too. You threw your head back to laugh at something someone said, and I was struck by the beauty of your smile. I knew it was you, from my old dreams, as soon as I saw you and even in that dream, I could feel how deeply I felt for you.

I wonder if you exist. If we’ll ever meet in this lifetime and if you could have dreamt of me. But how could you? This world doesn’t work like that. And if anyone knows that, I should know it. But sometimes, when things have got particularly difficult and I was shown a glimpse of you, I thought maybe life was throwing me a bone. And, as stupid as this may sound, I think part of the reason I’ve so fiercely remained single, is the thought of you, the possibility of you. The hope of you. The you, that my soul played with as a child. You, whose thoughts of, have comforted me whenever I felt dejected or unworthy. The you, my body craves whenever I sit down long enough to feel anything. And the you that my soul keeps reminding me of.

I’m not sure if you exist, and I really hope this isn't one of life's jokes where you exist and are happily married or something like that but in case you're not. And in case you do exist...I’d like to keep writing to you if that’s ok. The older I get, the harder it has become to share my thoughts and weaknesses with the people around me and I’ve always been a very private person, to begin with. Especially where my innermost thoughts and feelings are concerned.

But I want to share them with you. To share them with the you that is already so known to my soul. So today, a few days before my 27th birthday, I’ll start this journey with you. And. If ever, by a miracle of nature, we do meet. I will share these letters with you, to fill you in on my life, whilst I sit and explore the countless stories of your life that I will, no doubt, ask you endlessly about. But that is for if we meet. Until then, I will write. To you.

With all my love.

Bloom