Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

I know it might be shocking how this letter may turn out or even that I might be writing a long-handed kind to you. I know we are not on the best of verbal terms right now but I just wanted to express somehow to you what I really saw and wish I could have seen within you as a mother. I will say that I am grateful for the lessons you have taught me, especially the ones that you had no idea were lessons for me. For example, when it boils down to my love life, I don't necessarily have the best choice and neither did you. I can never understand the strength of raising two kids alone all because some men want to have their cake and eat it too while also becoming opportunists in the long run. I wish I was more vocal about this but maybe it was the embarrassment or just the standard I told you so I was hoping to avoid. I just never saw what was the real authentic standards to find or just hope that a man would have if they would treat you in a way a woman should be treated, like a Queen.

Another thing I saw in you is the desire to keep me grounded even when it was my time to be on my own. I am shocked that it took you to see me in a relationship with a man older than and standing up to your husband who for lack of a better term has an emotional level of cinderblock to finally see that I was sheltered from the world for far too long. It didn't occur at all that I desired to be social or needed to be acclimated to being around people who wouldn't be judgemental of what I did or said. All from me being caged for so long I was slowly beginning to give up the desire to branch out on my own because I felt as if I was not meant to venture out into this world only because you yourself wanted to keep me guarded when all in all your selfish desires clouded what truly mattered.

Moving on down to how life may be now, After months of being out on my own and things turning around for me, I know the feeling of regret may be shadowing you for quite some time. The regret of controlling me to your last avail to even saying things that you clearly don't mean. Not to mention to see if my naive manner would still be present to gain that control back. I saw through everything and smelled the stench of desperation the minute you tried to hold my belongings with no probable causes. My honesty which you taught spoke volumes and shook you to the core. Amongst all the family members who thought of what the truth was, I finally set it free along with my authenticity. I may not understand because I may be a fur mom and not a "mom" mom, but I would never disown you as I would be broken from the knawing void that is already present.

I know that at this moment many mothers are in pain from the loss of a child and vice versa. I would never wish anything bad upon you because even in the times when I knew you had your rights and wrongs I still stood by you as you were in my corner from day one and I hope we get back to that place soon.

Sincerely yours,

Nubian