Dear Mom, I must confess...

There's something that's been weighing on me. This challenge has let me know it's time to let it out. Since the day that I was born, I've been compared. I've compared to my twin, I've been compared to Dad, I've been compared to my brother, I've been compared to you. How do I explain, the deeply rooted hurt that lies beneath. The comparison to you, by me, to me-- it hurts.

I've spent so many years expressing, and accepting, how much I am like Dad. The adventure, the carelessness, the fearlessness... the selfishness. I'm strong, I am independent and self reliant. But that is not something, or things, that came from him. I am all of that, and more, because of you. Truth is, I wanted to be like him. I wanted to be fun, I wanted to be free. I loved the idea of being an idea. My poems free me from my feelings only to strengthen all the roots that held me down.

The tears would flow as my heart would jump with every interaction I had with life and souls. Yet, I would look at you, I couldn't find that in you. Were you ever even sad? Did you ever hurt? Have you ever even cried? I'm nothing like you. I'd settle for those words. I wanted to belong, I wanted to hear the words, you're so much like your mom. But I knew, if the words would ever come, they would be a lie. So I turned to Dad.

I fought it. I fought it hard to be "nothing" like you. I loved and missed--needed-- Dad so much. I thought if I was more like him, he'd stay. Yet, you were always there. You've stood the test of time, reproach, highschool and college drunken nights. The awful hurt I'd throw at you. You carried it all so well. Did you ever hurt? I couldn't be anything like you. You could carry it all. Never needing Dad, never needing friends to vent and turn to. Never needing comfort or... companionship? I grew to resent your strength.

Your strength, your grace, humility and giving heart. Why did I hate you for feeding all my friends or kids from the neighborhood when we didn't have much to eat? Why would I get angry that I had to half satisfy my hunger for the sake of having a full and longer table? I resented you for that. I wanted you to be my mom and take care of only my siblings and I. I wanted the bubble Dad always talked about we had. And live in it forever. In avoidance of the harsh reality that was our life. I resented you for grounding me back in something more. Something I couldn't see at the time. A community, genuine and caring friends. I never ate alone.

You had three jobs and still picked your kids up from school on time. Your structure, discipline, ethics, virtues.. the black and white. It's the reason I've succeeded in my professional life. I'm successful in my career because of you. And yet I fought it, I rejected it. I rejected you. I wanted all the colors and dreams that were Dad. I thought there was freedom in the clouds. And still you waited. You always waited patiently on the ground for me to come around. To come back home.

I'm so sorry, mother. For rejecting you all those years. I want nothing, nothing more, than to continue to grow and be more like you. Through everything that life has thrown at you. Your smile's only gotten brighter. You continue to love people through your patience, grace and laughter. You're not hungry for more wants, you're not heavy with regret. Your arms are open like your heart. Thank you for loving me like that, and letting me get this off my chest.