Dear Janelle,
I'm beginning to wonder about life, and everything. Like what is the purpose of it? Why do I constantly feel like I'm battling my brain every single day. Why am I overthinking? I don't even know anymore. I'm having a hard time falling in love. After being in a relationship for over 10 years, and married for 3 years of it, I feel like I lost hope in feeling love again. My heart was torn, and broken over and over again. The constant emotional and mental abuse with his temper which he still denies til this day. I might be afraid of falling for someone again, or maybe I'm just not ready to be in love. I constantly feel emotional, and upset. I feel like I shouldn't ever get attached. You were the only one that stayed when things got bad, and didn't run away. I appreciate that. But i'm constantly questioning everything that happens in life. This probably makes absolutely no sense what so ever, I'm just trying to get my feelings down onto paper and maybe I can figure out what I am actually thinking. Sometimes I question myself, and wonder if I'm good enough to be your friend. Sometimes I question myself and wonder if I am just a selfish person. I'm tired of constantly being told that I will never amount to anything, and that my "Mental Illness" will forever prevent me from being a normal person. What is a normal person? I didn't ask for a mental illness, I didn't ask for depression, I didn't ask for Body Image problems, and everything in between. What I am asking for is a proper diagnosis, not just what family just say what I have and assume thats that. I feel like I am trapped in this life, and have to let others control my feelings, and control the way I react. Why Am I so scared to tell someone when I am really upset with them? Why can't I just not feel at all?
I guess I'm just trying to figure out life, and writing these cronicals to you. I don't know why I am because you probably don't care, and think I really Am this crazy person. Why am I so afraid to let the world know that I am indeed bisexual? Why can't I just, I don't even know. I still wonder every day why I find comfort in pain? Is it just because I am so used to it? Or it's the way to feel what I am supposed to feel? I'm tired of feeling like I need to be molded into someones persona of what they want. Why am I a people pleaser? Why do I constantly self sabatoge?
Maybe I'm just crazy, and chaotic, and don't deserve anything in life. I do a lot for other people, and give and give; and I've kind of come to realize it feels a void of someone taking care of me. I never was really taken care of, I grew up with a controlling narcasstic mother. I pray every day that I don't end up just like my mom with my kids. I just try my best every day not to be the mold of what I grew up in.
About the Creator
Jen Moutinho
Single Mom. Recently divorced. Just trying to survive every day life. Struggles with Mental Illness and trying to navigate life
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To The Girl I used to Be
Dear seventeen-year-old me, I want to tell you how much I loved you. Now as a thirty-two-year-old trans-man, I love you more than you think people did. And believe me sweetheart, lots of people love you. Your Mom loves you so much. Grandma and Grandpa love you. Trevor loves you in his own annoying sort of way.
By Raphael Fontenelle6 days ago in Confessions
One of the Greatest Inventions of Mankind
My mother Delana always taught me to trust my instinct. To trust myself and believe in higher power. God. She raised me to do my best. She raised me to always think do your best and never purposefully failed. And if you failed to get back up. To try harder. See because she knew I had smarts. She knew I had brains. That's why the friends I grew up with nickname me "Smarts" And these friends were like siblings. I mean I knew them since elementary. I remember the year Computation integration on demand was born. It was that year of Gore versus Bush Presidential Campaign. Where the whole country was in an uproar? Many people did not know which to choose for president. It became a nightmare the counting and the media bashing the Electoral Collège System. It was all over the news and it was very hard to avoid it. It was so hard to be avoided that we talked about in school even in high school. I was not so involved with the Presidential Campaign but I remember my first one that caught my attention. It was the Bush versus Clinton presidential elections. I was curious about politics but never thought that I would ever be involved. Anyways, that year 2000 I was jammed pack. I was getting ready to graduate. I wanted to graduate in 10th grade and I would have but I could not find a scholarship. I did not qualified for any even with being in high honor roll for six years and making many 100s and A's. I however got to start high school in middle school and I got accepted in college at age 14 and I took college classes at age 15 right before I graduated high school. Then it was the Prom and Ball, a coming of age but who would I take. There were beautiful women but I had to graduate. I could not settle just yet until I see the world outside home. I was kinda too busy focus on academics like my family wanted me to. Besides working which I love and was privilege to do. And I never had a class like Economics, the history and the insights made me fall in love with business. I was already a history lover and major nothing I could not learn, and yeah science Biology and Chemistry straight A's too and yeah English got love Shakespeare and his MacBeth and Math making my own formulas. I love teaching and tutoring because the material was interesting. I would spend most of my time at the library trying to learn something and get better and better and yeah do homework and eat lunch. Scottie ain't gonna let nobody get the best of me. School taught me brainstorming. And I would love talking about what I learned. I would first practicing in the library to myself and alone because practice makes perfect and it really really does. And the librarians knew me, I was inspired by the Skim Read Author because with skim read you can read anything and learn. And even by Frederick Douglass' bookmark 'Read and Be Free'.. Anyways I was taking these classes to graduate that Fall, Politics in Government and we covered the elections and the recount. And I just like normally brainstorm an idea as I was watching the news in class over the election. What about a new voting machine? One where you can use voice, One where you can use touch, one where you can hear the candidate, one where it can talk to you. And my teacher said Scottie that is a great idea you should invented that after all the voting machines were old and out of date even controlled by large corporations. So I thought and thought and learned and learned I took a college class in high school on Productions and I had an assignment to learn about the first voting booth and do a project on the inventor. After learning the basics of businesses, my teacher Chase offered to give college credit and I pay for college credit after earning a perfect score. It was my Economics teacher Mrs. Johnson who after class presented the idea too. She asked Scottie what are you gonna be when you grow up? I said I don't know. I can't decide. Doctor or Engineer. And she said you should be an engineer. Go and build the invention. So I tried to get help from Teacher Chase but he said he could not help but I was one of his best students and I know how to do it after building a one of a kind oak wooden clock. So I graduated early in 11th grade all my friends who were like siblings were there. My mother Delana was there dressed fancy, she had her hair to her shoulders in a beautiful gold dress. And the ceremony was long many people applauded me when they said my name and some stood up. I got a Regent Diploma and was a Black Scholar with a 3.6 GPA. I had to take time away from school because my parents could not afford it. So I convinced my mother Delana to invest in my patent as I did a provisional patent called Millennium Edition Voting Booth and further research which I was good at. While researching I changed the invention into Computation integration on demand. I got the provisional patent quickly on Columbus Day. And months and months later the patent official. So that is the story behind Computation integration on Demand which had to be published by 2024.The invention was challenged many times by other inventors who denounce its claims and among the attacks where the discrepancies with a examiner. But it won since 2015, Best of Rochester Award's Computer Software and enter Rochester Business Hall of Fame. A company was created around it ordered by the Government who granted it and Congress debated over the patent. The patent even had a special High-Tech Medallion with its patent numbers that you can display on a company website. And it was classified after being researched in Germany and Japan, it was classified as one of the Greatest Inventions of Mankind. And now recognized by Time Magazine in 2024 as one of the Best Inventions with nearly 50 software applications known on the best software engineers around the world site. It is such an honor and privilege. And I learned so much and come so far. I can't stop now.
By Matthew Primousabout 8 hours ago in Confessions
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