Dark secrets of love

Dearest mother

I've never had to confess this to you but I will say it now. In all my past relationships with guys I have so yearned for the love you share with dad that maybe I was so desperate to try and find someone like that too, only to be tossed into the dark hearts of men that torment me to this day. All the memories, the words, the trauma, the screams and cries, it all torments me even to this day. They all tell me I am not good enough, I will never amount to anything and that even though my personality was nice, I was physically unattractive and they found someone who meets their physical requirements of having fair skin and eyes other than brown.

They all wanted a lot from me that I was uncomfortable with. They hit me, assaulted me and all they wanted from me was physical pleasure and satisfaction. I was seen by them as a statistic, a trophy, someone they could conquer and brag about. I was also seen as a bank, hoping that money would win them over. I worked hard but for nothing. I was used, abused and tossed aside like I was nothing other than yesterdays dessert

This was why I lacked the self confidence in myself all these years. It was always there but stolen away bit by bit, with their words echoing in my mind screaming until it was all I can hear, all I believed because oh god what else was there to believe from men? I wanted someone like my dad who had a kind heart and would never demean a woman. My sister got lucky but why couldn't I yet I tried so hard only to be torn down.

Until I met my current man. I know he has no degree like my now brother in law but he has a good work ethic and works hard at his job. He has a kind heart which surprises me as I have never had someone with a kind heart treat me well. He listens, he cares and makes sure I am okay. When he gets home, he sees how tired I am from taking care of the house he cooks dinner. I don't have to ask. It frightens me sometimes the kindness. He doesn't even lift a hand at me yet I still worry he would. It surprises me he doesn't force me to do things his way as well. He doesn't take me by force it scares me at times but it also leaves me at peace.

Bit by bit, I am gaining pieces of myself back. It's taking years to build myself up from the way the men of the past have treated me that you have never known but right now all I want is for you to understand me and trust that I am making myself stronger. Since I am also pregnant with a son, I will make sure to teach him well on how to treat women because with the way I have been treated, I don't want any other women to go through what I've been through. I will make sure my son treats women with respect and makes sure he takes care of them just like his dad. For once, I am happy with the man I am with. I can finally feel safe, I can finally feel a bit free and I can finally find a new version of me that is a lot better and healed from everything she has been through. My man at present is like a lighthouse, he lights up the darkest of moments and all I have to do, is go to him for comfort and strength, knowing all is well.