Confession: My Thirtysomething Year Old Friendship Has Lost It’s Spice!

This feels like a confession !

A secret confession even because the person involved in this has no clue l'm feeling this way.

After Thirty Seven long and wonderful years of best friendship, of which Thirty have been long distance, l find myself feeling like l am only now starting to lose my best friend ?

I can't really say what’s gone wrong or even if something is going wrong but what l can say is l am feeling some kind of way about this.

I don't know what's changed ?

I don't know who's changed ?

I don't even know if it's a real change or if l am creating an issue where there really is none ?

Long distance has always been an accepted fact of our friendship. Throughout the years we have often boasted about our enduring friendship despite the distance.  Upon leaving school, our lives took different paths but it never mattered. We simply embraced every change that life brought and made these life changes part of our story.

I never once felt like l was losing my friend back then. Our different lives have always been the spice to our friendship. We have lived vicariously through each other's life experiences barely noticing the creeping time.

37 years later why does separate lives now bring bitterness where it used to bring nothing but sweetness to the friendship ?

Am l just feeling left behind ?

 Could that be it ?

It’s not an easy thing to admit to oneself, is it ? This admission even as l make it seems to be a character flaw, a weakness of character however it could very well be that my feelings towards my bestie are really about how l am feeling about myself…Not at a conscious level though but at a deeper level. I acknowledge that her life has become very different to mine. But then different is not a new dynamic in our friendship...we have lived vastly different lives throughout the many years of our friendship.  Why is this “different” making me want to pull away instead of lean in now? With each word l type it’s becoming clearer that the problem could very lie with me.

I can't say she has changed, if anyone has changed it must be me. She still clocks in on a weekly basis and we do a catch up like we have done so many times over the thirty odd years. We talk about the usual issues for women our age, children, work, health, relationships...but for the past year this catch up has felt inauthentic. It has felt more like a perfunctory catch up.

Superficial.

Paying lip service.

Just something that we have always done. Her life seems a galaxy away from mine now and l am feeling a disconnect. If l am completely honest l haven't been excited to check in for a while now.

It hurts.

This has been and still is one of the best relationships l've ever had. The friendship has so enriched my life l know that l am a better person because of having her in it. That’s an undeniable truth. Her choosing to be my friend those many years ago, and remaining my friend all these years is the luckiest thing that ever happened to me. Losing this friendship would be a huge loss to me and more likely break my heart.

I can't and won’t let that happen.

Penning this article has forced me to face myself about what’s happening. As l conclude l feel clearer about the value of this friendship than l did before l started writing. I am hopeful that l can address my issues so that l can once again enjoy the wonderful friendship that was bequeathed to me so many years ago.

Friendship Is Worth The Effort.