Bored and lonely

To my rock, my role model, and my Mother,

You have been many things in my life, and we have shared a hundred thousand moments together. We are as close as they come for mother-daughter relationships, but this was not always the case, at least not as a child and most definitely not as a teenager. This relationship didn’t fully develop until I was a full-blown mother and maybe not even until I became a grandmother. As an only child, I often wondered why you never blessed me with siblings. Although I was always happy being on my own and occupying my own space, I came to realise how lonely I really was growing up after having my own children and watching them play, interact, and develop such special relationships with one another. In hindsight, the reality of it is that I really had no choice but to be comfortable on my own and in my own skin

The love I felt for my children was undeniable, I was rather maternal, and in my motherhood, it became quite evident that you were not, and I began to recognise the lack of love I felt as an only child and maybe even understood why you had no desire to ever grace me with brothers or sisters. Life and the world were very different then and even though we lived in a city, I was left to my own devices for most of the time, even at the tender age of six. An intelligent child, I began school a year earlier than most and found no trouble in learning and being able to regurgitate information. Understanding and comprehending my environment was a different story, one I have been navigating for most of my life through sometimes difficult and challenging experiences. I guess I have integrated those in a mostly positive way as I would hope that I could say that at the tender age of 49 I have developed wisdom and knowledge beyond my years.

From the time I was in primary school, possibly earlier still in preschool and kindergarten, making friends was not my forte. Shy, awkward, and devoid of social skills, the level of my immaturity measured against my peers became paramount, particularly by the time I reached high school. This deficiency continues as my circle remains very small and although I may know a lot of people, many people don’t really know me.

We always did things as a family, a small family of three, and for this I can now express that I am grateful and feel blessed. However, my previous thought processes produced feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, and even abandonment as I sailed the murky waters of self and identity. On the weekends you and Dad played tennis with friends, sometimes there were children, other times not. I would play solo and hit the ball against the tennis shed to keep myself occupied and connected to you in some way. I used to get bored easily and would have to make my own fun for the most part. At school we would play elastics but playing at home required some ingenious thinking. Two chairs didn’t work as they would fall over so I was happy as Larry when we moved and there were two large poles under the house to which I could attach the elastics and play alone. I have never been a cheat for the simple fact that for most of my life, I only ever competed against myself. I can appreciate that all these experiences contributed to the independent, resilient, and resourceful woman I am today.

I loved school, I was good at it, and I would race home in the afternoon to be met with distance and discomfort. I would do my homework, get on my little red bike and ride around the neighbourhood. Discovery and adventure made me feel alive, it fed my curiosity of the world, sometimes answering questions I was unaware I was even asking. Completely oblivious to the dangers of a small female child solely exploring her surroundings, I later came to the realisation that God had to have been with me always, for surely, I would have been ravaged by the evil of man that surfaces so easily with unattended children. The level of freedom I was subjected to is probably incomprehensible to most mothers these days, I cringe at the potential possibilities of my demise on many occasions. Today though, I have gratitude that I can know what freedom feels like, that I can embrace the times I feel bored and utilise it as self-care. I have come to overwhelmingly appreciate the opportunities for adventure, to discover, explore and experience the lessons and blessings of life. I am who I am because of it, the integration and transmutation of surmountable feelings and emotions have formed and shaped my psyche, my personality and all that I am, all that I am becoming.

Mum, your arm’s length style of love, your unsmothering approach to parenthood, your ability to let me discover, learn, and know myself, have become a formidable platform for me to grow and traverse life’s many obstacles. The epiphany is amazing, to finally be able to acknowledge the truth; my perception of your maternal lack became the catalyst for my own evolution as a child, a teenager, a young woman, a mother, a grandmother, the fullness of the cycle of maiden, mother, and crone. I thank you wholeheartedly for the bored and lonely times of my childhood for they are what I now crave within my life. They are the times I look forward to, that I embrace and cherish. They are the times in which I have developed the fondest memories of self and identity, it is within that boredom and loneliness that I endeavoured to find myself, and discover who I truly am.