Belonging

I don’t belong anywhere.

I’ve always been an outsider. Even in my own family, I’ve always been just a little too different to really fit in.

All the friend groups I’ve had throughout my life, I’ve been just slightly on th outside looking in. Always just a little too weird to really belong with them.

I’m so incredibly sick of not belonging anywhere. Of being too nerdy for the “normal” people or too “normal” to fit in with the nerds, or too girly to fit in with the tomboys even though I am a real tomboy myself a lot too or too tomboyish to fit in with the girly girls. Of being too pretty for people to believe I can be smart too, or too smart to be accepted by the pretty people because to be smart is to be a show off.

Most days, I feel like I’m on the brink of a meltdown because I just want to be understood for once. Not even cared for, just understood.

My whole life I’ve been on the outside looking in. My whole life, I’ve had my so called friends and family pick on me or whisper about me behind my back because I’m not like them. My whole life, I’ve been spoken over and ignored like I don’t exist or even matter.

I don’t even feel like I am allowed to say these things because they are “first world problems” and there are starving children in third world countries which I have thrown in my face every time I have any kind of issue that’s deemed “small in comparison.”

It’s heartbreaking, hearing the one person you thought would support you no matter what because they weren’t your abusive parents, call you stupid or a moron because you made a mistake. It’s heartbreaking, not hearing from your supposed best friend for months because she’s busy living her life while yours just seems to be slipping further and further backwards. It’s heartbreaking, watching your parents and siblings move across the country, leaving you behind with no true support network even though you couldn’t be prouder of them leaving behind a dead-end place to grow as people.

I often wonder if I even made enough of an impact on anyone that they would notice if I disappeared as if I never existed in the first place. If anyone would look back and think about me, just because they missed me. I doubt it.

I doubt anyone would truly wonder what ever happened to me for more then two seconds if at all. I doubt anyone would truly miss me the way I miss them when I don’t see them for a long time. I’m just not memorable.

I’m just a fly on the wall of everybody else’s lives, always there when they need me but watching as they go on to bigger and better things when I’m stuck waging a war in my own head while I cheer them on.

I’m twenty five years old now and the more I think about it, the more I realise that I would not be missed if I fell off the face of the earth. No one would look for me. No one would even report me missing. Why would they? They have their own lives to focus on. Why care about a girl that just kind of orbits them like Pluto. Part of the solar system but not important enough to the sun to be a true planet and often gets forgotten or pushed aside for the “true planets” to shine. It’s exhausting.

I’m exhausted.