Being in love taught me to heal

I had been walking through a friendship with a man who made me think we had a chance together in the near future. Little did I know he was doing the same thing with someone else. I remember feeling so stupid because I put my whole heart and soul into the friendship that I thought would turn into more.

Obviously, the friendship ended up being one sided. Without a word I saw that he chose to be with her. The day I found out about his decision I felt devastated, crushed, confused, and lost. After learning this I was walking to the neighborhood park feeling absolutely frustrated, crying, my whole body shaking, and felt SO confused about life and love. I chose to walk to the park because nature is my home away from home.

I felt like I was wrong about how love comes in your life. I started to question how I felt about what it means to love and what it means to live life. I thought that when your heart fiercely loved someone, and he felt this way in return, that those two people would do anything it took to merge lives together. I thought that that's what people meant by "follow your heart".

I have honestly deeply loved this man for a long time, but life never seems to help us merge together. And people seem to love to cause congestion between the two of us. People have been trying to tell us individually that we are not right for each other. I don't get talked out from being with him because of how strong my connection is with myself and with him, but he does get talked out of being with me. I have left friendships because I feel it is wrong to cause that much congestion with your friend. Having loved this man has had me thinking that love doesn't come to you as easily as it did for my dad.

It's possible that movies are a partial problem here for me when the stories play out their romantic scenes, but my dad's love story has also been an issue for me. He was praying for his love. He was tired of the way life felt for him. One morning at church he met my mom. He didn't walk up to her. He said he wanted God to introduce her to him. So, he waited. Another time came around and they were introduced, and they had been dating during the weekends since then. They only dated during the weekends because they lived about 45 minutes away from each other. He was already willing to do anything for her. If I remember the story correctly, one year after dating he proposed to her. Shortly afterwards they were married, and he has always been doing anything to make her happy. So, I think with my dad treating my mom like an answer to his prayer I feel like something like that should happen with me.

Little did I know that kind of love story doesn't happen for everyone. From what I gather while participating in the dating world people act from their fears and not with their hearts. They do this because people are playing too much with people. People are even playing with themselves too much.

After some time to relax and mourn from the heartbreak I decided to surf through Facebook dating because I didn’t want to stop living my life. When I heart someone on Facebook dating it means I recognize your soul and I want to know more about you. Not only did I recognize this man’s soul, but it actually felt really easy, pleasant, and so natual talking with him. The only reason I felt uneasy when he was instantly flirting with me in our conversations was because I had just experienced someone acting like he adored me then quickly moving onto someone else. So, I was slow about flirting back, though I definitely enjoyed talking with him. It felt so natural video chatting with him. I wanted to meet with him in person right away.

I felt nervous meeting him in person because this was my first time meeting a man from Facebook dating. I was LITERALLY walking with my intuition on this one. I felt like if something wasn’t right, I would know it. Plus, I told myself that if something wasn’t right once I met him, I would just leave. Though, that was my ego trying to protect me. Texting and video chats felt amazing with him already.

As it turns out it felt even better when we met in person. He was working on his lawn while I was getting to know his friends. I was surprised how quickly I liked him in person and how easy it felt getting to know his friends. Every touch I felt from him felt like blissful déjà vu which helped me to feel comfortable with him. And the moment he walked in his backyard shirtless I was sold, lol.

I felt safe when he put his arm around my shoulder, with my head on his shoulder, while we stood on his driveway. I felt erotically protected when he slid his hand down my jean back pocket to keep me from getting hit by a BB gun someone shooting with in his backyard. I felt loved and close with him when we held each other underneath the tent, and he slid both his hands down my backside jean pockets. I adored him when we sat next to each other, he held my hand and apologized for having rough hands due to his job. I felt my heart warm up with deep love when we danced at his friend’s house to country music. I felt butterflies dancing through my heart and stomach when he was staring at me through his sunglasses at the park he works at. I felt myself falling in love with him when he walked me through a small zoo area around the area he works at. I loved and adored him when he hooked his finger around the backside loop of my jean belt strip while we were dancing at the bar.

I was surprised how comfortable I felt with him so quickly. The first day I met him I stayed the night with him, which is not normal for me. He was drunk and saying things I sensed were true but had a feeling he didn’t want those words to be said yet. I think he and I fell for each other fast, and we were both scared of this kind of love being that we just met. I think that neither of us were ready to be in love yet.

I remember feeling hurt when he didn’t bring me to the bar, he and his friends talked about all the time. Him not bringing me to his bar had me thinking he was having second thoughts about me without sharing his thoughts with me. I hate it when men don’t share their thoughts with me while in some sort of relationship. Looking back, I think he wanted me to have more than what he thought he could offer me. He was wrong. I was willing to partake in a relationship with him and be there for him because that’s what you do when you feel what I felt for him. Though, my belief seemed to be "out there" for his taste. I think my belief and my strength scared him off. So, he withdrew from me, and I pushed his buttons so that he would actually say something he was thinking. He finally said he was escaping from the friendship. I didn’t like the ending, but I saw it coming so I was letting him go.

Being with the man from Facebook dating let me know that I could move on from the man I had fallen for before him and still be a friend with him. But being with the man from Facebook also let me know that I wasn’t ready to be in the kind of relationship that I was looking for. It is time to heal and grow some more.