Be Strong or Die

You have to know who you are in this world, or you will perish. This is even more true for woman since the world is constantly telling them what they can and cannot be. Throughout my life I've seen and met some amazing woman that have told me things they've had to do to survive that not only baffle me but make me question the world and its methods entirely. The first one I can think of is my mother. Of course, everyone's Mother is their hero and for good reason. They are the first ones to hold us tightly and show us unconditional love for who we are and who we become. My mother was no different. When I was growing up, she always made me feel less than. The first memory I have of her is not one that is loving, but one where she is screaming at someone, some person or something. I was never told I love you; she never hugged me after doing anything perfect and I could never exceed her expectations. She wanted the world for me and in her eyes the only way I would get that far was brutal punishment. Every day I was called lazy at least once a day from childhood until I left the house. She was unrelenting in this aspect and made sure that I was not worthy to breathe her air or be in the same space as her. There were days when I would ask questions about myself hoping she would verbally come to my rescue and of course she never did. My soul was crushed when I went into the house and when I left the house it felt like my great daily escape. "You are not who you think you are, and you will never amount to anything". "I know you can get A’s, but you bring home B's on purpose and you prove to me how stupid you really are". I was in trouble every year in school for physical violence, verbal abuse and stealing every year until high school, and the only reason it stopped then was because I lost all energy and love for myself to fight back in that way. Each and every time violence was met with more violence. No one asked me what was going on at home. It wasn't their job to understand why I wanted to hurt myself and others. It was their job to punish me for the way that I thought and my actions that followed. "You're dumb just like your father". "Why can't you be normal like Kris and Leonardo?" I blamed her for my childhood being dark and the looming clouds I have over me to this day. Still through all of that she taught me to be kind to other people. She knew that as "dumb" as I was other people were even worse off mentally than I was, and she made sure to tell me that I was supposed to take care of them. Even in that I was a failure to her, but as long as I didn't lose my smile around others the facade could be kept up that I was going through the same things as everyone else. I kept that smile into my adulthood, and it serves me well as a mask.

When I grew older, I realized my mother had a mask as well. Through all the hatred that built inside of me for her I became the monster. She became old at the blink of an eye, and the older you get as a woman the more you realize how wrong you were is the only thing I can think of. Death becomes closer and closer as you realize that no cares for you anymore because the only reason people tolerated you is because of their circumstance. She doesn't speak about what happened to her during her childhood, but I remember one high school story about a riot in her junior year I believe. It was a race war in Charlotte North Carolina and multiple people had already been stabbed and brutally beaten before lunch had started. The police as usual had no handle on the situation and instead of peacemakers joined the devils instead. She decided she would take no part in the war because my grandmother would not in any way shape or form tolerate it. She feared my grandmother more than getting stabbed, shot, or arrested. It wasn't at all a short walk either with their high school being 2 miles away from home. She got home and proceeded to study because that was the smart thing to do. When my grandma got home no questions were asked. The only thing running through her head was "Why are you not in school"? She beat her black and blue. A worse punishment than if she had stayed with her classmates, fought tooth and nail, and gotten arrested. Doing the right thing and still getting punished for it. Harsh punishment and ridicule from the person who is supposed to love you most. Even when eh other option would have resulted in an even worse outcome. Join the fight, get beat by the law or skip the fight and get beat anyway. It would make anyone cold. When life is a lose, lose situation it turns you into something evil. For the first time in my whole life, I understood her for once. She was stronger than I ever imagined and truly was only giving me the best love (what she thought was love) she was capable of. I still don't forgive you, but I understand you. Your strength is unmatched.