You make me sick

When people say I don't have the words to describe what's going on I rarely ever understand what they mean by that. I always have the words to describe the absolute abysmal situation I am currently in. Partly because of my own fruition and the rest because certain people in my life are completely inept. First, I'll start off with the "property management" that we do. Why on Earth do we manage so many units and not even get 2% of the cut? Why did this start out as a good deal for us and then turn into my waking nightmare eternally? How did I let myself become so obsessed with helping others get ahead that I completely lost myself in the tsunami... by the time I get out of this I will never be the same as a person.

I don't see people as people anymore, they are thoughtless meat sacks walking this Earth like me with no purpose. Our only goal here is to get enough money to take care of our families so they can live a better-quality life and want to raise the next generation to do the same thing or so I thought. There is no reason for being here. That is to say if all were here to do is make money then I would rather not be here. Understand me clearly, everyone I meet now is a burden. There is no one left that I speak with that cherishes me, nurtures me, or gives me the energy to keep going. I am severely underpaid for what I do in the real estate market and told every day that I don't do much. The double edge sword of that is if I do nothing like they assume then we really would be screwed because of all the businesses that I've created.

The businesses were easy to create and for me it's even easier to do the work, but you know what's not easy is taking all the passive disrespect every day, and when you check them, they have no idea what you're talking about. These people out here are ignorant to what they really are. They don't really care about people; they care about their pockets. People always wonder why good people don't make it or why they always quit. Well through my experience it's because they get no help. The people who do whatever they want in life no matter how atrocious somehow get the attention, money, fame, and power while the rest of us that are truly trying to help the small man get nothing.

I've been to bank after bank getting turned down for loans that I can easily afford that would bring my business over the top and allow us to have more freedom to do other things, but no one can make it happen. Without bringing race into it there is no reason that I can make triple what a person brings in at a corporate job, and I can't get a small loan, but they can let someone who makes under fifty thousand take a loan out for a small house. The system is rigged for everyone, and it's worse if your nose is wide. Money is not hard to come by at all, and in America the opportunities are not endless, but if you can get in the right room with certain people then they can take you somewhere you never thought you'd be however, they forget to mention that those people don't want to introduce you to their companions. If you have a brain and can think for yourself, you're a threat to them and their empire no matter how small it may be. My ideas are bigger than all these people around, I move faster than everyone and I do it with flawless execution and I feel the hate all around me. Somehow even after starting all these companies and running them successfully he sees me as a great employee for him; when truly I should be running the ship and getting heavily compensated for taking on everything. Instead, they would rather undercut you and still try to keep majority control even though they have no idea what they're talking about. Twenty years is a long time to be doing something wrong, and when someone younger than you appears and says, "Hey you've been doing this wrong I can show you a better way to do this", their glass ego gets bruised.

Imagine doing something for someone else and executing so graciously that they stop doing everything they were doing before. Imagine you take a cluttered disgusting portfolio with money sinkholes everywhere and patch it up within one year and increase the flow of income. Imagine learning how to do everything without help or training. Imagine this person is so confident in what you can do that they go on vacation now two to three times a year, leaving everything in your capable hands. Now imagine you ask to be paid not what you’re worth but what you deserve for the work, and the person tells you you’re not doing that much. Imagine working over forty hours a week doing this and this person says it's only a part-time job. Imagine this person is calling you from their house every day asking you what’s going on when you built a system for them for free, and they refuse to use it. Imagine it's tearing your relationship apart not only with your family, but with your significant other. Imagine the non-stop pressure that is making you want to sleep for eternity, but you know if you do that two more lives will be lost because your parents wouldn't be able to understand the loss of their only son.

My situation is grim. I cannot do any more than I already have. I am at my wits end and if something doesn't happen soon, I will be taking it into my own hands. Bad doesn't describe it, anger isn't even in my vocabulary. I shake so egregiously in my sleep I wake myself up. I sweat so heavily in my sleep I grab towels to dry the bed in the middle of the night. I punch the air in my sleep and grind my teeth to the point I could crush stone. There is nothing more I want in this life besides extreme success. I am not like the rest of you, and if I can't have it, I'd rather die. I'm surprised the pressure hasn't consumed me already... I fight all day only to fight all night. It's hard to win when everyone is against you and is constantly telling you about how things could be or how they were. I've cared about others for way too long, I hope they feel what I feel right now. I hope when it hits you it runs you over like a brink truck because for every single person that has told me "It could be worse" it always is, and there is no bright side. Somethings are terrible and that's that. It's okay though because one day it'll be your turn and I can only hope it hurts you to the point where no oxygen enters your lungs again.