AITA for telling my son that he is obviously gay?

Dear confessions,

My son 17 year old son is a very masculine boy and he seems to have been in the closet for a long time. Well over the past seven months he has had a new male friend and they have become very close. They sit close together on the sofa, to the point they are almost touching, they spend lots of time together in his bedroom with the door closed and my son has suddenly begun putting a lot of effort into his appearance. He does his hair, dresses nice and smells lovely.

Well we were going out and I asked my son if his boyfriend was coming with us. He visibly looked upset and said “that isn’t funny”. I told him it was obvious that they were in a relationship and they have done a terrible job at hiding things. He begged me not to tell his father (he already knew, like I said he was terrible at hiding it).

My son then got very upset and said I outed him when he wasn’t ready and hasn’t spoken to me in days now. Am I the arsehole?

I think it is worth taking yourself back to your vulnerable teenage years and putting yourself in his shoes here. Your son is dealing with all of the hormones and fluctuating emotions of a teenager, but on top of that he is also worried about being judged by his peers, friends and family for his sexuality (he may not even identify as gay).

Whilst your son was comfortably in the closet, he had time to make decisions about how he identified and who he was attracted to without the judgement of the rest of the world. His panic will likely now be that you and his father will be talking about his sexuality to everyone. Parents can be awful gossips without even realising it.

By sharing this news, he feels like people are looking at him. He feels pressure to have things “figured out”. He feels the need to have a thick enough skin to shake off any abuse or disapproval other people may throw at him.

In this situation you need to keep the news to yourselves. Don’t share this with anyone. Including the boy you think your son is in a relationship with, as he may be in exactly the same position or they may not have even discussed their “relationship” yet.

Approaching your son and telling him that you accept him for whoever he is or becomes is the way forward. Also telling him that you will be keeping any thoughts or opinions to yourself until he is ready to talk would be best.

It sounds like you want to be supportive which is the important thing, I think you just need some guidance on the best way to do this. What we know as adults definitely wouldn’t have been obvious to us as teenagers and sometimes we rush to impart that knowledge on people that just aren’t ready to have it yet. He is learning who he is and there needs to be space for that and for any mistakes he might make whilst he figures things out. Give him space, time and privacy (whilst keeping the lines of communication open) and he will eventually come back to you with the information you want to receive. Don’t rush something for someone else because you already think you know all of the answers, unless you are in that situation you may not have any idea what they are going through emotionally.

Teenagers can also be cruel when someone is slightly different, he may want to just survive those years before he makes any big announcements to the rest of the world.