Adrift in the Chaos

It feels so easy to sit here and be all doom and gloom; to ramble on about the state of affairs in our world today... But that's not really what I want to talk about. I'm not interested in spending hours deep diving into every issue thats currently plaging us; whether as a community, a nation, or a world. I'm more interested in stretching out my hands and finally putting to words the deep echoing screams that reverberate in my soul.

As a self-ascribed extrovert, Covid has been absolute hell... Prior to 2020, I was always on the move; working 40-60 hours and keeping my social calendar filled to the brim with plans. Google Calender was my best friend, how else was I going to juggle the 6 social plans, 4 dates, 3 happy hours, and two business meetings for the week? My roommates would barely see me, and there was always someone chiming in last minute hoping to spend some time going on an adventure or grabbing a drink. So when Covid-19 became headlines and the world around us ceased to function, it was like hitting a brick wall. Weeks working at home stretched to months, to a year, and my social calendar was nothing but crickets... Just leftover notifications from events that were long since canceled. The walls around me echoed my distress, reminding me just how alone I was. I tried online dating, Skype happy hours with friends, even one or two socially distanced events... But nothing would do. Nothing could take the place of the hustle and bustle of the life I was living before the world went sideways. I swallowed placations for breakfast, reminding myself that it wouldn't always be this way. But the more I fed myself, the less I believed. The words became empty, leaving nothing but an unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach as I searched for alternatives.

I thought that things would improve after the vaccine was released to the general public, but I wasn't prepared for the backlash it would receive. Endless rants about how vaccines cause autism, fights about individuals rights and herd immunity, and relentless indoctrination. It was the hot button topic, the thing on everyone's minds. Social Media and News Outlets were chock full of opinion pieces and tirades over what is right and wrong. I found myself pulling away more; avoiding my phone, ignoring the news, losing touch with friends. The silence grew louder, and the anxiety rooted deeper.

I thought maybe a change of scenery would do me some good. Born and raised in Indiana, I'd spent the last 8 years (aside from an embarrassing 8 months in Florida) in Oregon and was really ready for something new. Given how isolated I'd been feeling, I thought it would be good to check out Michigan; be closer to my sister, and move in with a friend of mine. That was 3 months ago... And its only gotten worse. It feels impossible to find work out here, which also significantly reduces my ability to try and make friends since I don't have spare cash or coworkers to try and befriend. My roommate situation is fine... But we're both going through the ringer so neither of us make for the best company right now. I've even got a boyfriend, but living an hour apart is more challenging than I'd anticipated, and I'm left feeling imbalanced because I'm always running around trying to be everywhere at once.

I know there aren't any quick fixes for these feelings I have, but I also struggle to speak them aloud, to make them real... So this is my way of speaking up; of admitting that I feel adrift in the chaos of life, and I'm far enough gone that I don't know how to anchor myself anymore. Maybe that isn't a bad thing, but it feels beyond intimidating. So thank you for listening, and if you can relate know that you aren't alone. We all have something to contribute, even if everyone is too busy to listen.