A Story of My Escaping Toxic Family Dynamics

“They’ll either want to kill you, kiss you, or be you.”

― Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay

Family is often said to be what you are stuck with, and extended family is no different. We had seemingly good relations with my uncle’s family, even though my mom kept telling stories about their nonsense ways of connecting, or better yet, lack of connection as humans to members of their own blood. She always said she didn’t want to upset my dad. He always gave my uncle’s family money to help, without expecting anything in return. Ironically, this generosity stirred envy rather than gratitude.

You know those individuals who incessantly criticize and undermine others? Well, my relatives were akin to them, despite being blood relatives! Their behavior inflicted deep wounds, lingering with serious effects. My mother endured verbal bullying in my father’s absence, yet she refused to speak ill of his brother’s family to avoid distressing him.

It turned out that his brother got sick with brain cancer and quickly perished. Afterward, our relationship with our aunt and cousins got weird and bordered on ridiculous. So we chose to sever ties with them for the sake of our mental well-being. It was saddening, as they were our closest relatives. I mourned the loss of the cousins I had grown up with, only to realize that their behavior mirrored that of their parents, they were always envious, bullying, and ungrateful.

The only thing that helps in such cases is cutting off relationships. It hurt, for a long time, and I couldn’t forgive. But I did love my uncle and tried to release the resentment I had collected in my soul.

I needed healing, distancing myself, and moved abroad, even though this was not the main reason for my departure. At the same time, I felt guilty for not being with my parents and shielding them from the horrible nonsense they were enduring. They also distanced themselves slowly and kept minimal contact with these relatives.

My takeaway from this personal story is that I learned the importance of releasing pain and not allowing the actions of others to dictate my emotions. It became clear that dwelling on their negativity prevented my own growth and happiness.

I learned that if someone cannot reciprocate that same level of respect and compassion, it’s not worth sacrificing my own peace of mind to maintain a relationship. I don’t know if I managed to fully heal or forgive, though it’s been more than 10 years since my uncle passed away. But life is a journey and we keep showing up. So finally, I decided to mind my own life and prioritize my well-being above all else, regardless of familial ties or societal expectations.

Have you ever dealt with a similar challenge in your life? Please share your experience if you feel like it. For me, this reflection triggered some strong emotions.

*** I wrote on the below prompt, for April Prompts, originally published in Simple Story Seekers on Medium.***

Reflect on a journey of forgiveness towards yourself or someone else. Did it bring healing to your life?

Tell a story that explains this journey in a simple style. What did you need to forgive and whom? Did it bring healing? What was the lesson you could draw from this story?

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