A Single Indian Woman’s Thoughts on Embracing Sexuality

How we date, explore our pleasures and accept our bodies is as dependent on the society as much as it does on us as women.

I am a 30 something heterosexual female from India and all these views are from my own experience.

I grew up in a culture where the dignity of your family resides in you maintaining your virginity. Or more clearly in the intactness of your hymen.

When in reality the state of your hymen has nothing to do with sexual activity.

I was taught in educational institutions to cover up your chest your legs, your arms for your safety. And the male principal of the college could actually point to the “length and coverage” of the dhupattas and send circulars to wear t-shirt covering the zip front.

But what they do about the male professor who touched our backs (which was covered per all dress codes ever written) “accidentally” in physics lab. So much that we dreaded the class — He got a “gentle warning” and a happy retirement.

I have heard men in my circle arguing that women in a certain city are more prone to rape because they dress that way and ask for it. The casualness of it, instead of outraging convinced me that “this is the way world works” and I shuddered.

Most of the movies you ever watched portrayed the survivor getting married to the rapist, the father committing sucide and for good measure handing over the poison to the rape survivor (who drinks it with pride) because their dignity is lost.

And when men ogled at me I. the bus stands I was asked by my father to stop wearing “too much” make-up because it attracts attention.

All the above has happened to me, to my friends, to our mothers and on a shockingly regular basis.

I had learnt to accept it all because culture, men will be men.

And was I able to practice self-love with all the shame, fear and hatred of my body brimming in me?

Nope. I wasn't able to.

Then there’s the marriage - the legal, sacred, society approved way to explore sexuality. I respect the institution of marriage but not the belief that a women’s sexuality should begin only from there and associating sacredness to the primary needs of a human.

Marriage as been taught to us as the end goal to a woman and motherhood as the completion of it. So post marriage she is asked questions like

“when are you telling us the good news”

“why are you unable to conceive?”

And label her sterile if she cannot bear a child.

That folks, is the end to sexual exploration for a lot of women.

But what happened after I realized I had sexual needs?

I understood for real what my best friend was telling about not being happy in bed matters and how it wrecked her mental health.

I saw my junior that gdoing through in-vitro fertilization while her family flat out refused to get her husband tested.

I changed. I set out to explore. I asked myself a lot of times. What have I become?

Did I indeed become the “loose woman”, a tag easily thrown at me when I had my first breakup.

No, I just didn't . Nor will anyone,

I apologise to all the women I called names before.

I learnt that embracing sexuality means breaks a hundred myths women been fed over ages.

It’a long journey. Here are my thoughts, I wish to share with my fellow women best friends out there:

1. You aren’t Giving The Middle Finger To Society

By embracing your sexuality you are not proving anything to the society.

Nor are you setting out to smash patriarchy.It’s not about making you a lesser or better woman than you were before.

It’s returning back to yourself.

2. You Do Not Owe Anyone Your Sexual History

Single, married, divorced, whatever be your age. Your count is nobody’s business. Your consent is.

Its not a joke nor your sexual adventures a topic for light discussion.

If you feel someone might be judging you, then yes they are. Feel free to walk away. In the middle of date. In the middle of the night.

Your call.

You don’t gain anyone’s approval by telling the truth. Attempting to prove that despite your sexual appetite you are a virtuous person is stupidity. That’s exactly the belief what you are trying to leave behind.

And don’t get it all mixed up.

Your intelligence, your kindness, your sexuality, your life struggles are all different aspects of the woman you are.

You can be a businesswoman, a mother, an artist, and a feminist — whatever you want to be — and still be a sexual being. It’s not mutually exclusive. — Beyonce

3. Understand Consent

Be clear with consent. What is consent? The agreement to have sexual activity.

According to What Consent Looks Like article in Rainn:

Consent is about communication. And it should happen every time for every type of activity. Consenting to one activity, one time, does not mean someone gives consent for other activities or for the same activity on other occasions.

Those who don’t respect this don’t deserve your time.

And you can refuse sex at any point, feel free to express discomfort.

Just because it had been your fantasy in first place or that your partner resembles Hugh Jackman in the dim lights — no reason is worth giving up your consent for.

All the above rules applies to your partner too.

4. Understand the Diversity Of Exploring Self-Pleasure

According to Jessica Bo, a blogger and women’s rights advocate, the misconceptions stemming from religious and cultural views make us see masturbation as “dirty”. She says:

there seems to be an air of discomfort or misconceptions surrounding the action, and this often overshadows its scientifically proven benefits. It’s critically important for women of all ages and backgrounds to have access to information on their own sexual and reproductive health.

For me, nothing releases the pent up tension like a good masturbation. It’s to find what gives you pleasure. And the means like shower head, toys, hands, reading erotica, watching porn (other other safe ways) etc. to reach them. The power of orgasm, especially the self-induced is woefully underrated.

When I found out Bare female channel in Youtube and tried the yoga poses to awaken feminine energy, it changed my life. Masturbation gave much more of a pleasure. As a yoga person, it was beautiful how I could connect back to my sexual energy flow.

Jessica Wildfire, puts it this way:

It[Masturbation] doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. And if you’re in a relationship with anyone who thinks that, you might want to educate them — or just dump them.

Final Thoughts

Women need to support women. More than ever. We need to respect our individual preferences in sexual exploration too.

We live in a society where the only place a women’s sexuality are spoken out in public are in swear words directed at her body, her mother’s and her sister’s. Or in case of a guy, it’s directed at the women in his family

May we stop labelling, may we realise that tarnishing other is but a reflection of how broken we are within ourselves.

May we call out prejudices and stop using shame as a weapon to put women in place. May we know that all that we were taught could be wrong and seek out the truth and continue doing so.

May be go back to our inner space - forbidden as “dirty”, by religion, culture and even by the people we love and trust. May we know that embracing sexuality is empowering.

And it’s powerful. May we respect our bodies enough and teach our friends, our children and ourselves better.

May we acknowledge the shame residing in our bodies. The awareness itself makes a huge difference.

May we know that sexual health finds an important place in the physical, mental and spiritual wellness realm.

May we practice consent, safe sex and non-judgement.

May we know that no milestones of life — marriage, motherhood make us a complete woman and not ticking those boxes does not make us any lesser.

We are already complete.

That my friends is the beginning to empowerment.

Article previously published in the Medium