A ‘fem-fail’ with a voice.

My aspiration for 2024 will be to have a voice and not hesitate to use it!

I have been raised to be polite, consider the other person’s feelings, and go out into the world with the best intentions. I don’t intend to change that. But, this year, I intend to speak up for myself, my opinions, views and thoughts.

I think this re-evaluation of self has come from the recent death of my darling father. I no longer have grandparents or parents in this corporal realm with me, and I must now step into my role as a parent and role model. I have no elder to answer to or be held accountable for my actions. Still, I must lead my children into adulthood by showing them what our family deems acceptable and aspirational behaviour. I am now the elder by default.

And to do this, I must be a woman with a voice.

The other instigator for this re-evaluation is simple... and complex all at the same time.

I was recently reading an article that spoke about how many ‘modern’ women are ‘fem-fails’.

This ‘spiteful word’ meant to the author that if you are not a ‘stand ‘behind’ your man’ woman, you are a failure at being feminine.

Apart from this annoying misogynistic definition of femininity, I was disgusted and disgruntled when a number of men jumped into the comments section, agreeing and lamenting the following three ‘facts’ (though how they are factual is beyond me.)

1. That ‘strong female fictional characters have eroded the true purpose of females and weakened and devalued male roles within society.’

2. It is men’s ‘traditional’ role to protect culture and women’s ‘traditional’ role to nurture culture.

3. There needed to be more female lead characters whose sole purpose would be to 'support' and 'highlight' a male lead character.

My children, husband, and I read the article and discussed it. At great length! Because we vehemently disagree.

From a personal perspective.

At the beginning of the economic crunch, my husband lost his job overnight, may I add, and I had to give up staying at home with my babies and my law degree studies to go back to teaching. With this in mind, I ask.

1. What is a ‘fem-fail’ or, as a matter of fact, a ‘male-fail’?

Does going back to full-time work whilst I had little children make me a ‘fem-fail’ for ensuring we didn’t lose our house, and my children remained fed and educated?

Because during that time, my husband ‘stayed home’ and looked after the babies, does that make him less of a man, a ‘male-fail’?

And whilst looking after our children, he built our house by hand – ‘traditional male’ success behaviour. Oh no, but hang on, I was building it with him…, which makes me a ‘fem-fail’ twice over.

I wonder, though, by their polarised views, how can my husband be both a ‘male-fail’ and a ‘traditional success’ at the same time?

And I’m sure they would argue he should have been a ‘man’ and gone out and gotten a job. He did! He worked at night in a shitty manual labour job where he was treated abysmally, but yet still rocked up and worked till midnight. In my book, he was a 'real man' because of his actions. Not a high-flying job, so I guess we’re back to ‘male-fail’, but then he provided for his family, so back to ‘traditional success’ we go. After work, I’d look after the kids, so I’m possibly back into the ‘traditional female success’ zone as well.

In our minds, we were working together as a team to keep our heads above water, and because I had a degree and could earn a higher wage, that made the most economic sense.

I cried for weeks every time I drove to work, and my husband felt overwhelmed and isolated, but thankfully, my Dad stepped in and helped my husband care for our children. ...Oh, No! Double 'male-fail'.

To those men who bandied about their ‘fem-fail’ beliefs, be very careful! Lock women into traditional roles, and you’ll lock yourselves into them as well.

2. What exactly is a traditional role?

The term ‘traditional roles', to my mind, is a weak belief to base an informed argument upon, simply because where do you start the line to indicate where ‘traditional’ gender roles begin? Which historical era are we actually basing this ‘tradition’ standard on as the norm?

Very few ‘traditional’ men were waving their swords about and rescuing princesses; in fact, I think I could quite safely state that none were. If we want to talk about warfare making men real men… well, traditionally, most men were used for cannon fodder.

Let's look at Napoleon, shall we… he’s a real man’s man! In the “Napoleon.org, The History Website of the Foundation Napoleon – Bullet Point Number 6,” it is stated that somewhere between 600’000 to 1.3 million soldiers and civilians were killed under Napoleon’s reign.

I could find no information on how many princesses were rescued from dragons, though. Mainly, the Princess's fathers and their courts bought and sold' traditional' princesses for political stability ties. Is that what ‘traditional’ male men should aspire to be? Someone who’s happy to sell their daughter and creates the circumstances for hundreds of thousands of people’s deaths?

But these are real-life examples, and so since my husband’s a ‘Fanboy’, our family discussion, as it always does… sigh, turned to Star Wars and the furore that the strong female lead character Ray caused with some fans.

3. The impact upon society of ‘fem-fail’ characters.

The mere fact that Ray said to Finn not to hold her hand because she can run on her own… How dare she! Or maybe she's like me and has little to no coordination and knows she'd take him down by tripping him up when running. ...stand behind your man territory?

But for those ‘fem-fail’ instigators, by Ray implying through that line that she (a woman) didn’t need Finn (a man), Ray instantly became a ‘femfail’.

Yet Princesses Leia, in a hardly there bikini, chained around the neck to Jaba The Hutt, is still regarded as a deeply loved character. Wooo Hooo – female success… but hang on, she was also the Commander of Armies, oh dear, another ‘fem-fail’.

Okay! …Now, we’re just getting into the realms of stupidity.

To my mind, limiting a fictional character (person) because of their gender or sexuality does nothing other than weaken the plot line (society). Writing (life) is hard enough without imposing blockades on your (others) creativity (lives).

Within strict fictional confines, just because a character makes you uncomfortable doesn’t mean the character is wrong. Hey, I love to write horror and often walk away thinking… what the hell is wrong with me? That’s one REALLY dark-freak-me-out character! And it came from me, someone I consider quite normal... I hope!

But still, with all of this in mind, I didn’t comment… with all this raging around in my head. I didn’t put my thoughts and actual ‘facts’ out there.

Because I didn’t feel safe in doing so.

This makes me feel like a ‘fem-fail’ in the flesh.

I feel deeply about writing a mixture of balanced male, female and non-binary characters. And depending on the story, it will depend if I write from a male or female perspective. In my humble ‘fem-fail’ opinion, a wide, developed character diversity is vital for a strong and varied plot line to exist.

And yet, I didn’t comment.

I didn’t want to engage in a slinging match with a bunch of ‘male-fails’.

Arguing with an extremist never changes their mind; it just pushes them further into extremism!

But, still, I’m so disappointed in my own inaction. I went back and reread the article.

And, to my great delight, a female doctor had respectfully and articulately expressed her views.

And in return, the author made an excuse that he didn’t write the article; he was posting it… but hey, he’d bravely jumped in with all the run-women-down comments but couldn’t’ engage in a respectful and informed debate over the essay he published with a ‘fem-fail’ in the flesh.

Her comments brought me no comfort. Instead, I was unsettled. I felt vulnerable because I’ve just joined a writing group to which the author of ‘fem-fail’ belongs and is firmly entrenched. They have position, and I do not. They have power, and I do not.

I have no one but myself to be held accountable, and yet my parents and grandparents, I know, would be disappointed in me. I was not raised to be a ‘traditional woman’.

I feel I’m not a very good role model for my children for staying quiet.

How cheaply do I drown my own deeply held beliefs?

What am I willing to tolerate or accept from people who make me feel uncomfortable because of their misogynistic bigotry?

My aspiration for 2024 will be to have a voice and not hesitate to use it.

To engage assertively but politely, expecting the other person to show me as much respect as I show them. I will consider the other person’s feelings and expect mine to be considered. I will go out into the world with the best intentions. I will not change who I am. But, this year, I will speak up for myself, my opinions, views and thoughts.

I’m putting my ‘fem-fail’ big girl panties on with pride!