This is A Story About A Sad, Sleepy Girl With a Radiant Energy

As humans, we all experience the ups and downs of life. Personally, I feel like I've lived through a hundred lifetimes in just 28 years. Loss, grief, heartbreak, womanhood, and worldly travels have exposed me to so much.

Maybe a little too much, though.

My depth of emotion is immeasurable and oftentimes overwhelming. However, music has been a constant source of solace for me. It has given voice to the thoughts and feelings I couldn't express. Even with therapy, achievements, and life changes, music has been the one thing that has stuck with me through it all. It uplifts me, helps me put on a brave face for the world, and keeps me joyful during karaoke sessions and parties. For me, music is the driving force behind my radiance.

If I could create a playlist for my life as a bold and radiant "sad girl," it would represent the defining moments of my life so far.

Take a listen to the songs below, as well as learn more about my story and why these songs hold a great significance in my life to date:

01. "When I See You" by Fantasia | "Fantasia"

Back in the day, My mom used to cop burned CD’s, and this was one of those albums for me that she’d play over and over again in the car. Any time I’d have a bad day at school, my mom would always have this album blasting and we’d sing “When I See You” to the top of our lungs. Though our relationship was always complicated, we had music to bond over. And that, for me, was enough.

02. "Playing God" by Paramore | "Brand New Eyes"

Moving into high-school, I ended up losing my father to congestive heart failure. I was a star student, who was always involved in extra-curricular activities inside and outside of the classroom. It was what I had to do to survive, to escape from the awful reality I was living. Behind close doors, my soul weeped daily to have my dad back with me. I questioned everything, even God. This song, let alone this album as a whole, definitely gave me a perspective on self-righteousness, societal control, and rage that I didn't expect to uncover at such a young age. It was frustrating having to conform to societal norms (and it still is). I did not have the privilege to express my emotions, just because I appeared to have it all together. There was no room for me to feel, because it was assumed I had it all, which was far from the case. It gave me the language I needed to say, well, "f*ck you".

03. "The Worst" by Jhené Aiko | "Sail Out"

Jhené is of my favorite artists, ever. This project came out when I was just a freshman in college. It was my spring semester, and I had just broken up with up with my boyfriend from high school of four years. I’d play “ The Worst” on my speakers in my dorm room about 100x a day. Although the timing of the breakup was actually perfect, it was therapeudic for me to curse out my reflection in the mirror while singing the lyrics to this song in order to release the years of anger and resentment I had built up. This song, as well as this entire EP, allowed me to transition into my newly single life and free me from what could have been a connection that held me back from embracing all of what college had to offer me, in all areas.

04. "Shadow Man" by Noname feat. Saba, Smino, and Phoelix | "Telefone"

Moving into my college years, I was able to find my voice in the activism space. In 2016, when Trump was elected, I remember playing Noname's "Telefone" non-stop. I was studying abroad in Hong Kong at the time, and I really didn’t know how to process my emotions around how that election went down with me being so far from campus and my friends who were protesting. "Shadow Man" specifically spoke to me, telling the story of the the harsh realities of what it means to be Black in America. As somber as the lyrics are, it helped me gain a sense of hope again in a hopeless situation. On another note, I also think it showcases the then "slept on" talent that Midwest was producing at the time. Ironically enough, I ended up moving to Chicago later on my life and have been able to embrace this creative energy in real-time.

05. "Jukai" by Jhené Aiko | "Trip"

So this album dropped months after I finished my undergraduate degree. I had just been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, on top of being underpaid and unable to find a full-time job in my desired field. I spent a lot of time, um, indulging in things that felt good at the time in order to avoid my reality. I wasn't going about my life the right way or handling myself with the best care. I just wanted to get out of this state, by any means necessary, if you catch my drift.

This song embodies all of those feelings of misdirection, wanting to escape (for good), and not wanting to be saved from it all but wanting to put an end to the ill-feelings. Eventually, once I was able to attain a job and medical insurance, I immediately sought therapy in order to find the tools to alleviate this heavy tension in my life. Overall, this album, to me, is one of her most seamless, cohesive projects she's released to date.

06. "Dead Presidents II" by Jay-Z | "Reasonable Doubt"

This album came out when I was about to turn one years old, but my father used to play Hip-Hop around me all the time growing up. In 2019, about two years after I graduated college, I revisited the album and played the song "Dead Presidents II" walking to work in Downton LA. I was living in LA, extremely broke, undergoing a lot of housing issues, and so much more. I really forgot who I was, and lost my hustler mentality and the drive I had. I lost my fire, my spark, my mind - and just overall everything really. I was also reading Decoded around this time, his autobiography, just to learn more about his come up story and get some of my own inspiration back, and then I played this album and it really got me remembering who I was.

07. "I Had A Vision" by Masego | Lady Lady

Finally, we have Masego with "I Had A Vision". This it really helps me tap into my divine feminine energy.

I can come off a bit rigid sometimes. I mean, if you read anything from the previous blurbs, you would understand why.

But this song, it makes me feel seen and appreciated in an odd way. Every time I listen to it, I imagine myself as a delicate little flower floating in the wind in the springtime.

It’s the sax, the vocals, and the overall melody that makes me want to grab my silk slip and dance around with a wine glass in my hand. When I don't have a man holding me at night, I know this song is gonna wrap me super tight.

I am happy to have given a glimpse into my life, which has been full of challenges but also abundant with knowledge and experiences. Although it was difficult to narrow down my music choices because I listen to so much of it daily, I used the emotions, sounds, and my memory bank to curate this list to highlight the profound moments that have shaped me.

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I am a creative multi-hyphenate with a strong passion for the arts. To check out more of my journey and the different art exhibits and events I go to in real-time, follow me on Instagram at @erparrish_

If you would like to read more of my poetry and prose, as well as see some of my visual photography all in one place follow me on Instagram at @wordsbyep_