The Songs that Wrote Me

When I think of a playlist that reflects me, I think of all the versions of me. Every time in my life has tied me to songs that are now sacred to who I was, who I have become, and who I will always be.

Ages 13>

When I think of my childhood music I think of my Dad. Every night I would fall asleep to my dad singing in the shower as the water trickled down the pipe that was over my bedroom in the basement. He would start quietly, getting louder and more silly as his nightly wash up went on. His song choices were often the songs we knew from road trips to the cabin, or Sunday afternoon DillyBar runs. Growing up in the early 2000's, what your parents listened to was what you knew. And what I knew was ABBA, Billy Joel, The Beatles, and the Beach Boys.

But these are a few songs that take me back to my childhood:

Sugar, Sugar- The Archies

When I was eight, My sisters and I would scream "ewwww" when it got to the line saying, "When I kissed you girl, I knew how sweet a kiss would be," while silently wondering what it would be like to be kissed by someone one day and wondering if it would be as gross as it sounds.

Yellow Submarine - The Beatles

Isn't it funny that an acip trip induced song can be fairly similar to a children's song. We loved scream yelling this song in the van while my third sister would yell for my dad to turn it down and 'stop driving so silly' while she held an ice cream pail in her lap as the motion sickness was about to take over her.

It's My Party - Leslie Gore

I still quote this song to this day. My dad would sing this in a whimical 'crying lady' voice to make us laugh and then we would all fake cry while belting it out. When I have a bad day, I still say, "It's my party, I can cry if I want to." And despite the gloom, reciting that phrase makes the day a little bit brighter. It is like a spell. Abracadabra.

Ages 13-15

I got my first ever iPod. Being the youngest of four daughters, I didn't get control of the radio very often. To have something that was mine that was filled with music that I chose, was incredible. I would spend hours downloading songs on LimeWire, giving the family desktop a myriad of viruses and putting my headphones on to look out the window and pretend I was a character in a sad movie. It was my first chance to explore things my parent's wouldn't like me listening to, and it was exhilarating.

These are the first few songs that opened my mind to 'teenage' things and delve into pop radio:

Just Dance - Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga was everything in the late 2000's. Youtube was only a few years old and Lady Gaga's 'explicit' videos were available at the click of a mouse. It was such a rush to go hide out in a closed room, take in all her artistic glory, and then deny that you watched it because your parents said you couldn't. She was (and always will be) brilliant and adventurous and brought me so many curiosities and self-love as a young teen. My friends and I made a dance to this song (remember when you would make dances in the basement, and it wasn't for Tik Tok or to show anyone, it was just to let your inner cheorgrapher out?) and it still takes me back to my young teenage days.

California Gurls- Katy Perry

Katy Perry was new on the scene and everyone was talking about her (her boobs.) She was a dream girl literally in the clouds. My friend's and I would have sleepovers and talk about how pretty she was and how we wanted to have a bra that whipped cream could come out of. Or just as bra that wasn't a training one. She made us want to go to California and meet Katy's friend Daisy who let her borrow her bikini. It was pure teenage magic.

You Belong with Me - Taylor Swift

This music video was a right of passage for everyone my age. We watched it over and over and wished we had a cute love interest next door to write notes too through the window and laugh on a bench with. We wanted the power of turning into a princess when we took our glasses off and we wanted our crush to finally discover that we belonged together. This song began years of pining over teeange crushes and wishing they'd notice us.

Ages 16-17

I fell in love for the first time. And I know people say that it isn't 'real' love because it isn't mature love, but bullsh**. First loves are treacherous. You feel everything for the first time and it is intense and all consuming and obsessive. No, it wasn't anything compared to the deep, trusting, honest, adult relationship I know now, but it was love. The tail end of sixteen and all of seventeen was filled with deep longing until your body aches, laughing so hard and then leaning in to kiss, Snapchatting streaks (remember when those were currency?), sneaking in past curfew, being afraid care more, and falling like the bottom wouldn't hurt and then crying so hard you couldn't breath because it hurt like a motherf***er.

These are the songs that remind me of first love, the end of childhood, and heartbreak:

This - Ed Sheeran

Ed Sheeran's X came out when I was seventeen and that CD was played so much in my car that it got so stratched that it stopped playing. His music made me feel in love and hope for someone to admire me in a romantic way. When I hear this song, I still have memories with my first love, driving the gravel roads of my small town and hoping that he was thinking the same as I; that the song was about us.

Classic -MKTO

Sometimes the most random songs fall into the lap of you and your friends. This song was on almost every burnt disk my friends made in high school. We learned the rap, could airdrum the opening drum solo, and yell-sang this song into oblivion. I don't know anyone else that kinows this song like my friends and I, but for some reason, it ruled our driver's lisence days.

All Too Well - Taylor Swift

This may be one of my favourite songs to this day, and every Swiftie understands. When the ten minute version came out, I was elated beyond belief. I even measure time in 'All Too Well's' now to my partner, saying, "I'm heading to the liquor store, I will be back in two All Too Well's." This song was my entire seventeenth year. After a devastating first heartbreak, this song was my religion, screaming, "Then you call up again, just to break me like a promise. So casually cruel in the name of being honest."

Ages 18-22

What a time to pretend to be an adult. This was a time or trial and many errors. It was lonely and enthralling and weird and sad and the endurance of so much change. I took a year off and traveled. I went to university. I dated. I went to parties. I listened to more than pop radio for once. I tried new things and met new people and tried on so many versions of myself until one sort of stuck.

These are the songs when I think of early adulthood. I think of the confusion and gray areas and mistakes and cringy chaos. But I also think of the beginning of discovery and becoming acquainted with who I hoped to become:

Wait- M83

The end of this song still sends shivers down my spine. I spent many nights drivng a car around and screaming down rolled windows with the main singer and crying about how confusing everything was and hoping it wouldn't always be like that.

To Build a Home- The Cinematic Orchestra

The piano in this song makes me want to weep. It raps me up in a wind of sadness and relief and takes me to another world to this day. I spend many nights on the couch with my best friend by my side, listening to this song, sharing a spliff, and talking about how things will get better but will also never be as good as right then.

Never Let me Go- Florence and the Machine

The vocals on this woman brought me genuine hope, if that makes sense. She made me feel like it was okay to be weird cause I have always been weird. She made me believe in a love that was vulnerable and dark and true and twisted and magical and sweet and still and wilde and delicate and exciting. This song will always remind me of when I found the person that I hoped would never let me go. And, guess what, he didn't.

Hard Feelings - Lorde

Melodrama by Lorde will be an album that will shake me to the core until my dying days. The music production by Jack Antonoff is intricate and genius. The lyrics and dark and real and poetic and beautiful. The instrumtal bridge in this song is like no other and lifts my soul to a realm where heaven and hell both exists. It tears my heart in loss and brings me to a state of extacy all st once.

Ages 23-25

Covid was a really tough time for us all. In Toronto, things didn't just shut down for a few months. It was almost two years. I was working from home and living in a new city. It was lonely and excruciating.

These songs held my while I cried, gave me hope, and made me dance until I forgot.

Cool - Dua Lipa

Her entire album, Future Nastalgia, made me dance when I was experiancing deep sadness. I would make dinner in my loft apartment and twirl and sway while stirring a pot of pasta. Dua gave me joy when all I wanted to do was curl up and sob.

The Last Great American Dynasty - Taylor Swift

Folklore and Evermore where the albums that ruled pandemic times, even for those who aren't Taylor fans. The whole world put their headphones on, put on comfy pants, and cried to these songs. But this was one that made me have hope somehow. It made me laugh and stand in awe of such clever storytelling and ignited the feminist badass in me.

If the World was Ending - JP Sax and Julia Michaels

This was a solemn ode to all the one's my soul was aching for during this time of distance. I couldn't travel across the country to see my family, I couldn't see friends, and lots of people world's were actually crumbling and ending. This song held me tight as I thought of all the sacred people I had in my life and how I missed them so.

Ages 25<

I have emerged from the darkness and ready to get dance gracefully (while drunk in the good way) into my late twenties. I am rediscovering myself and finding happiness again. I am making friends in my new city and falling more in love with myself, my partner, and my life.

These are the songs that are defining my happiness these days and will forever be intertwined with the renewal of my spirit:

Cuff it - Beyonce

YES, I AM IN THE MOOD TO F*** SOMETHING UP, QUEEN BEY. Let me dance dance daaannnnccceeeeeeee. This albums deserved all the Grammy's and ode to the LGBBTQ community.

Liz -Remi Wolf

This album will always be intertwined with being able to see people again. I have played this song getting ready to go out, while having friends over for drinks, while dancing in a bar, on while I sip wine with my partner on the balcony. This song was the exodus to isolation and forever bring me joy.

Good Days -SZA

SZA, girl, you kept us waiting, for years. We missed you. We longed for you. We pined and cried and listening to your first album until our ears bled. And you came back with the most perfect gift--another masterpiece of an album. What a beautiful ending to a beautiful album. And yes, there are good days ahead. I love you forever. You have held my twenties with such delicate grace and have given me hope that I am not alone.

I hope you enjoy the songs that wrote me