The Lead Man's Journal

The Lead Man’s Journal

5/14/22 New Orleans, Louisiana

Congratulations little black Moleskine notebook - you just became the landing strip of the thoughts nobody else will hear, but must be expressed. Ever since I blacked out after the Mardi Gras concert two months ago, I’ve been poked and prodded by doctors, only for them to say it was all in my head. They told me to write, so I’m writing. Derrick, my manager is so obsessed with getting me right only because his job depends on me. Otherwise, I think he’d throw me to the wolves and get a brand new model. He still may. I’m the front man, so if I go, the band would have to have a complete overhaul. Rebranding, new merchandise, maybe even a new name. You think the bet’s worth the hand? Honestly, when I landed this gig, it was like winning the lottery to me. Now I feel like I’ve traded my life for a blur of an existence and a miser who’s in charge of my piggy bank.

Things that are important to me: my life, my money, my lyrics - in that order.

6/11/22 Las Vegas, Nevada

Just when I thought I was getting back into the swing of things, I overheard my back-stabbing band and manager at the afterparty the other night. They all made bets to see how long I will last. Granted, the two who are for me - Greg (bass) and Stan (support vocal) have been with me the longest and know me the best. We talk, but its not like we’re philosophers or something. Everybody else bet against me - its up to $20,000! The question is do I really want to prove myself to those wretches or do I want to see what else is out there? Are their doubts about me legit? Should I stay or should I go? The Clash - who knew the lyrics could get so real, right? That’s the power of words, man - they tell the future, eventually.

Things that are important to me: the significance of my existence, the worth of my work, the music of my life.

7/9/22 Key West, Florida

Ever since Independence Day, its like a world of inspiration has opened up to me. Don’t know if its the fireworks, the thought of freedom or the girl. Yeah, there’s a girl. We met at the Fisherman’s Cafe during my down time at the carnival. She’s not even one of our fans - didn’t know who I was, but she had lunch with me anyway. When I got back to the hotel, I started writing again. Its been six months. Whatever this is, I like where its leading me.

Lyrics:

Let me tell you a tale

of fairies and kings

that will not end the way

that you think it would seem

no princess in sight

and I’m still a green toad

run into sweet night

as my story unfolds

Engulfed in darkness

I make my own light

I glow in the dark

And fight the good fight

The end of the tunnel

Is drawing so near

Amidst chorus of fairies

I conquer King Lear

More lyrics to come...feeling the wave and riding it, man.

Things that are important to me: precious moments in my life, my contributions to other peoples’ lives through my work, the song of my life.

8/13/22 Nashville, Tennessee

Finished the song two weeks ago. Working on the melody with a couple of outside friends. This feels so right. I think I finally know what I need to do.

Lyrics:

This life was never meant to be a fairy tale

You try that and feel like you’re living hell

Grab it by the horns and ride

Feed your purpose not your pride

Come on and ride the bull of life

Till it cries mercy

Till it cries uncle

Come on and ride the bull of life

Don’t take a back seat

Come rule your jungle

Slam that book shut

Walk outside and see the world

For what it really is

For what it really gives

This ain’t no fairy tale

Things that are important to me: Recognizing amazing moments of my life, knowing what I do is worth more than what I make, sharing the music of my life with trusted friends.

9/10/22 Pittsburg, Pennsylvania

I tried selling the song to Derrick and the band - they said it wasn’t their flavor. I took it to a couple of old friends (Stu and the guys) and got a bite, so we’ll see what they can do with it. ‘Member that girl? Well, I went and called her. Believe it or not, she’s still into me. I can only half believe it myself. Going to see her next weekend.

I had a talk with the band. Turns out, trying to work out the kinks led to one of our biggest fights. Is it the beginning of the end? Who am I, Nine Inch Nails? I guess being in a band means my life’s got a soundtrack. Its alright - at least I don’t feel like the band’s my only choice. I’ve got options to consider and I’ve been doing some considering.

Things that are important to me: Choosing my own direction, making a living my way and creative freedom with my music and my life.

10/08/22 Detroit, Michigan

I tell you, that girl’s got me whipped. She can wrap me around that cute little finger and I’ll stay put right there. I’ve got it bad. The boys think she’s the one making things difficult for the band ‘cause my loyalty is dividing. They don’t know they started this mess when they doubted me instead of supporting me. Its okay, cause I’m building a new support system. They’re just feeling the effects of it. But so help me, if they go after my girl, it won’t be pretty.

I heard the song and I like it. Its got serious potential to be something worth something. Those guys really know how to doctor up my scratch. I may have to do more songwriting with them in the future.

Feeling healthy, coming out of my funk and imagining a different kind of future….with that girl, with my friends and with my relationship to music. I like what I see.

Things that are important to me: Imagining a new life, a different kind of success and new songs coming.

11/12/22 New York City, New York

The song was recorded live and had really good feedback. Pre-sales are up and everyone seems hopeful for a good turnaround. The guys are talking about contracts and forming a production company. They’ve got the brains and the means - they want me to come along as the talent. I haven’t answered ‘em yet.

My girl’s been acting strange. When I talked to her about it, she said her ex has been buzzing around. I hate that guy. If I don’t do something quick, he may end up stealing her back- but what do I do?

I told the band that come New Years’, it’ll be the end of the road for me. I’m calling it quits and taking some time for myself. Nobody seemed surprised and I could almost see money changing hands. Greg and Stan were the most disappointed, of course. I’ll find a way to repay their loyalty and support somehow.

Things that are important to me: Grabbing life by the horns, being successful doing what I love, having the confidence to sing my song alone if I need to.

12/10/22 Dallas, Texas

My last concert with the band is in twelve days. We’re trying to go out gracefully, but everybody’s on rocky terrain around here. The snide remarks and distancing behavior has us all on the immature side. It finally came out that I knew about the bet and I had all kinds of responses - none of which made any kind of difference to me. What’s sad is all this time, no one has asked me to stay. I’m just feeling a twinge of something I can’t quite put my finger on.

My girl decided to give her ex another chance. I hate that guy. I don’t know - our connection leads me to believe that this ain’t the last time I’ll be talking to her. My heart’s all confused and my chest is all tight. Now’s really not a good time to make any kind of choice, but I told her I’d be here in case she changed her mind. I don’t know - maybe I’m being a push-over, but if I’m not mistaken, I think I love her.

The song’s getting a lot of play on the stations and attention from the listeners. Couldn’t really ask for anything better, except if I had someone to share all this with.

Things that are important to me: Preparing for a new life, remembering I chose this kind of success and deciding that sometimes solos are just as good as duets.

01/14/23 Los Angeles, California

Its been quiet. I have no idea what to do with myself. Maybe I should have thought this through a little bit better. I’m not one for quiet meditation - I’ve been on the road, running through airport terminals and having adrenaline highs almost every night. The change is raw and the silence is deafening. I miss my girl, I miss my band - WHAT DID I DO?!?!?

I made up my mind to visit the studio where Stu and the guys are setting up production….then I’m gonna go get my girl. Can’t believe I waited this long - what am I stupid? I love her!

Things that are important to me: The love of my life, successful transitions and letting the music play on.

02/11/23 Key West, Florida

Can’t believe I almost let her go. I told her I tried to respect her wishes, but I couldn’t stay away from her, knowing she was trying to find happiness anywhere outside of us. The only reason her boyfriend came back was because he found out she was interested in someone else. I hate that guy! Turns out, she was unhappy with him and felt too embarrassed to ask me to give her another chance. She didn’t have to ask. I’ve been living near her ever since. Can’t keep me away now! Planning for a Valentines’ Day that’ll knock her socks off.

Got a call from Stu about signing me on again. I’m seriously considering it. My last visit to the studio was awesome. Brings back some good feelings and got the creative juices flowing again. Just looking before I leap.

Things that are important to me: Finally getting it right, doing what inspires me, hearing the music play.

03/11/23 Key West, Florida

I signed. I’m officially one of the founding members of Stusiverse Music Production Company (I had no say in the name or I would have chosen something cooler). The song I wrote is being considered by the music awards and I”m blown away. We got a contract deal already that affords us a payday of $100,000 each. (Giving Greg and Stan $20,000 that they lost on me to do their thing.)

My girl and I are moving to Cali in the next 6 months. I’m gonna ask her to marry me on the anniversary of when we met. I already bought the ring and its burning a hole in my pocket!

All in all, this year is off to the best start.

Things that are important to me: My girl, doing what I love, writing the music I was always meant to live by.