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She's the One

by Coleman 2 months ago in feature

A list of female artists I would leave my wife for.

She's the One


If their wasn't a minimum word limit on this website, I would have left this list at that. Unfortunately, I have to rant for another 500 or so words about Halsey, and then maybe sprinkle on some distant runner ups.

To preface, I want to state that I am not married, but if I were, I would leave my wife for Halsey faster than a suburban mom runs to a BOGO sale on "Live, Laugh, Love" signs at Target.

Enough of this fluff. Time for the juice. So buckle up, strap in, and prepare to face the reality you never knew you needed.

Ashley Nicole Frangipane, a.k.a. Halsey, is a queen. A goddess, if you will. Not only is she one of the most attractive artist to ever take the stage, she is one of the most talented artists in the business.

To start, her physical attraction is more than just her God given features that every man and women wishes they could bestow their eyes upon. No, here true beauty lies within her soul. Halsey is the edgy girl that every pop punk wannabe wants to go out with. You've probably seen one of the lesser punk, emo, rebellious girls around town. Their hair probably has a neon pink streak in it, they wear Nirvana t-shirts without knowing who Kurt Cobain is, and they have a few shitty tattoos. By shitty tattoos I mean a skeleton hand giving you the bird or a DIY stick and poke "fuck society" tattoo. Halsey is NOT one of these girls. Halsey is bold with her hair styles, dresses to impress no one but still stuns everyone, and her tattoos are delicately placed in a way that says "fuck you, I do what I want."

In terms of musical ability, her vocal range casts a shadow over any artist who is claimed to having range. Vince Neil of Motley Crue? Sings flat compared to her. Mariah Carey? See ya next Christmas, get the fuck out of here. Axl Rose of Guns and Roses? Welcome to THIS jungle. Freddie Mercury? Step aside, the real queen is here.

If vocal range wasn't enough, how about lyrical content? It's powerful. It's emotional. It's heartfelt. Listen to her post G-Eazy music. If I could say one thing to Gerald, it would be this: "you dumb motherfucker." You should be sad, you dim witted narcissist. Halsey is the cream of the crop when it comes to celebrity relationships. I would take Halsey 10 times out of 10, even over Jennifer Aniston and Marilyn Monroe in their primes, but I digress. If you haven't had a heart break that's made you want to say "fuck you" to all of society, get out there and talk to some girls for crying out loud, and get your heart broken. Her "Manic" album is such a rollercoaster of emotions, Six Flags should try and sign her. Even though I'll never be in a situation where I can write a platinum worthy album about a piece of shit ex, this album hits fucking hard.

Some might take this next segment as a hot take, but the only thing hot about it is Halsey. Hear me out: any artist that features Halsey is actually featuring themselves. If you take the time to give a closer look at her work, she actually featured the Chainsmokers. Forget me too is what Machine Gun Kelly is going to be saying when he realizes Halsey has surpassed him as the most influential artists of all time. I'm about 11 minutes away from telling YUNGBLUD to fuck off. G-Eazy can just fuck off period. Any artist that features Halsey is the same as if I featured Frank Sinatra on one of my songs. It just doesn't make sense.

So to sum up my rant about the love of my life, Halsey is both a artistic genius and a female icon. She is simultaneously the Aretha Franklin and Marilyn Monroe of our generation. I stand by what I've said, and you can form your own opinions around that, but if your opinion is different than mine, you're wrong.

I said I might leave you with some distant runner ups, so here they are: Ariana Grande, Dua Lipa, Beyonce.

Coleman, out.

Read next: Jay Z: From Worst to Best

"Why so serious?" - The Joker

Firm believer that people take everything too seriously, and we'd all be a lot better off if we stopped and laughed at ourselves once in a while.

If you're offended by my work, I won't apologize.

See all posts by Coleman