Pain Playlist

Pain.

Unfortunately, it has a place in my life, the lives of others, and in music. The last two years, following a severe neck and spinal injury have been very, very difficult. It is a compounding list of injuries, having to do with genetic hypermobility and previous traumas. For brevity's sake, it is ~bad. To date, I still cannot drive more than a few miles. I wear a neck brace constantly. Even lifting my cats for a snuggle, has dire consequences. The following songs are about experiencing, coping with, and growing through the pain. They span a few different genres and multiple different artists. So please, give something new a chance. I don't want this playlist to come off as bleak. There are only thirteen songs and the underlying tone to most of them is inspiring. I lean on these songs when I don't feel good, and I find comfort in their familiarity. I hope not only the songs, but also my insights can reach the souls of those who need to be reached.

1. It's Not Over Yet - for King & Country

Inspirational.

"To everyone who's hit their limit..." or maybe to all of you who've hit that limit so many times that the original limit shattered long ago, this song, and this playlist is for you. As the title suggests, this song is supposed to bring hope. The music is upbeat and the lyrics are triumphant, but if you're going through something, you might find yourself leaning, instead, on the parts about pain and to "keep on fighting." I can't help but lean on the simplicity of its words. They, alone, are hope-giving. Either way, "it's not over yet," and it won't be until you win or give in.

2. Get Better - Leslie Mosier

Relatable.

While Mosier wrote this song about endometriosis, which I don't have, the words could not be more true. She opens with the question, "Who was I before this?" powerfully introducing how pain, especially without a diagnosis, can rob people of their identities. Directly after my injury, this is exactly how I responded! I struggled to come to terms with my new limitations. I was under the impression that my life would just go back to normal. I began trying to work through the pain, just hoping I'd "get better." As my life fell apart, I began to question what I'd be without those parts of my identity. I felt like a shell of myself. She nails that concept. Another piece of this song is the "before" and the "after." I have spent so much time focusing on distinguishing how my life was different than it is now, and sometimes it leaves me feeling gray. I know though, that one day, my "now" can become my "before."

3. Does Anybody Hear Her - Casting Crowns

Human.

I think I've known this song since it came out eighteen years ago, and I've relied on it heavily my entire life. This is one of those songs that has kept me close to God and close to the path that I know is good for me. Its taken on a new meaning in the last few years. When the pain made it impossible to sleep and driving myself was no longer possible, all I could think was, how is no one seeing me falling into this abyss? I wanted someone to hold me and provide me with the hope to carry on. This is the story of a girl who is falling through the cracks. Even though the song is more about her making the wrong choices, the song is still so relatable to the futility I experienced when trying to save my body. And that hope I wanted? I realized I had it in myself. I'll be honest; it mostly comes in short bursts, but I now know that there are plenty of people who support me through my struggle.

4. All Falls Down - Kanye West (ft. Syleena Johnson)

Provoking.

This song isn't exactly what you'd expect to make the list, but as I mentioned, with pain, part of it is futility. If you're a perfectionist, or Type A personality, like me, something as derailing as a life-altering injury definitely seeps into every aspect of your life. Kanye sings about insecurity and losing control. When I started gaining weight, stopped wearing makeup, and started wearing sweats etc., because taking care of myself was too difficult, I encountered that insecurity. I had to appear weak in a small town, where people I knew could judge me. I realized how put together, on the surface, people are, but how turbulent and fragile our cores can be. Finally, it address the materialistic part of life. And when you don't feel good, 24/7, that all falls away. That is a way to find out your true identity.

5. Cranes In The Sky - Solange

Genuine.

The metallic beauty of this song matches the mood and lyrics perfectly. Solange sings of running away from feelings. One day, everything became too much for me. I sat down on my couch, and in my heart, I knew, getting back up again, like really being a part of the world, was going to take more than my body could handle, for a very long time. My emotional health plummeted. I felt the desire to give into the depression, and in an indirect way, I did. With so many coping mechanisms (work, exercise, my animals etc.) ripped away, "I tried to keep myself busy" by over-eating, watching Netflix and avoiding calls. Everything was a distraction from the reality of my situation. "Sometimes I don't want to feel," the emotions my injuries are attached to. I guess you can call it denial. Anyway, after ignoring his calls repeatedly, a friend sent this song to me, and told me that I shouldn't isolate myself, even if it was hard for me just being alive. It was one of the few times I believed other people could actually see what I was going through. I still lean on that moment.

6. You Should Know Where I'm Coming From - Banks

Raw.

A lot of what I'm writing about could fit inside the stages of grief. I've felt shock from the unbearable pain and devastation these injuries have imposed. I've lived in denial of the reality of my situation. I've been depressed to the point that I wouldn't even go to doctor's visits because I was too broken (physically and emotionally) to bathe myself. I've cried, in acceptance, and let some things go. But Banks's song is about anger. Or to me it is. Yes, she is singing to a lover to stay away, but she talks about being "mean" and lashing out. She's trying to explain the volatility that she has yet to resolve. I have experienced this, lashing out and looking for someone to blame. I pushed people away, partially because of the pain, but also because I was mad they couldn't help me. Banks lays her unresolved issues on the table. She sings of "burn[ing]" her home, meaning she self-destructed and lost her cool. This is an unfortunate part of grief and trauma that I did not know how to handle, but still, it definitely came my way. Banks addresses this well.

7. Give Me Your Eyes - Brandon Heath

Heart-opening.

This song brought me back to reality after my mom passed away. And it did it again in my suffering. Hearing it on the radio is always a wake up call. In the song, Brandon Heath begs God for the ability to see beyond himself. When struggling, we sometimes forget that others are struggling. Of course we've heard about the starving kids in Africa and how someone way better than us, is doing way worse, but its more than that. Pain and suffering is like wearing blinders. We become the mega-star of our own life, and leave everyone else behind. I wept the first time I heard this song, for the love and compassion that we are all capable of having for each other. I "never cared" about the efforts that others (my husband, family and friends) made after my injury, because it wasn't exactly what I wanted to happen. In an emotional way, this song pulls your head out of your own butt.

8. Her Diamonds - Rob Thomas

Profound.

Speaking of my husband this song also explains his side of my story. I pushed him away, a lot. I felt useless, losing all my energy and capabilities. I still have a hard time letting him in now. Vulnerability is not what I'm good at. With me spending most of the last two years bed-bound, the anger, sadness, restlessness and more, built inside of me. I was so extremely focused on only how much pain I felt. I didn't stop to think about him, or anyone else for that matter. My middle sister, has her own health issues and she sent me this song to remind me, chronic pain and illness doesn't just affect the one person. My husband had been trying to tell me, for months, that he felt helpless, and I couldn't hear it over the sound of my pain. He's always been there to help and I never knew his emotions about my situation could be as desperate as mine. Rob Thomas bears his soul in this one.

9. Just Be Held - Casting Crowns

Relieving.

This song is about letting go and feeling the support of something bigger. Whether we find the support in God, or others, or maybe even music, we need support when we are overwhelmed. When I got injured, I tried to keep it all together. I thought after resting a few weeks I could return to my normal activities. Now, I'm two years into this hell and in some ways, I'm worse than I was to begin with. I have had many days since that I have thought, I will never be able to handle another day of this. Somehow, I've managed over a year more than I thought I could take. I couldn't have done it with out reminders like this song. It is a release. While this song is in the Christian genre, it reaches further than that. It is for those feeling forsaken and weary. "Lay it down and let it go."

10. Sound The Bugle - Bryan Adams

Fortifying.

This is my number one, favorite song in existence. Yes, its from Spirit, which is a movie that still gives me goosebumps twenty years later. Adams sings of losing courage when you lose yourself. For people with chronic pain and illness, this is exactly what they face. We lose ourselves as days turn to months turn to years of not feeling good. Even more, we often get written-off for having "anxiety," "inflammation," or "fibromyalgia," all of which have been suggested to me, and none of which answer our questions. At the beginning of song two in this playlist, Leslie Mosier even states it takes seven to ten years for an endometriosis diagnosis. Can you imagine trying to stand up to doctors for seven to ten years, while simultaneously feeling like crap? For every single person who has experienced medical gaslighting, your experience is real and it matters. This song will remind you of the fire inside, even when you think it has gone out. "Remember who you are."

11. Praise You In This Storm - Casting Crowns

Clarifying.

It is another Casting Crowns song, but it is the final one from them. It doesn't matter if you are or are not Christian. What matters is this song's message. They sing about praying for a rough patch to be over, but it doesn't end, even though they expect it to. This is life. It isn't meant to be bleak, but we can count on life not going how we want it to go. This song is hopeful, but the message is deeper than that. It's about not be able to see, but still believing. That is faith. Hoping something will go away is a lot different than believing it will. Despite not being able to see pain, having faith that it will go away is essential. This song holds a connection to remaining positive in a stormy patch. It's words are so much more than just one genre of music. It serves as a beacon of light when I'm in the cloudiness of pain.

12. See The Sun - Dido

Hopeful.

Dido sings of lost love, but the underlying message works great for injury and illness. It's a song that looks forward to the future. I always am hit with the imagery of this song. I can picture myself having to explain, over and over again, to people, why I haven't been around for the last few years. I was embarrassed by my vulnerablity when I was first injured. I felt ashamed of not having my life together, but now, I just dream of feeling good enough to run into people out in the real world. This songs gives me hope that one day, that will happen again.

13. Life Ain't Always Beautiful - Gary Allan

True.

The final song on the playlist is one you'd absolutely expect to make this list. I have relied on this song heavily since it came out. I loved it before I even fully could grasp how real its lyrics were. I didn't have an easy childhood, and I thought that was enough to understand struggle. Then, this period of my life came along, and I began to really understand. This song is a tear-jerker. Every lyric is honest and meaningful. It is a song anyone in the world can rely on.

I've had mostly good days in my life, and while that has not been the case for the last few years, this playlist is only one, very small piece of my journey. I can only hope some of the songs become part of someone else's.