My (Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad) Year in (Amazing, Wonderful, Really Good and Not At All Bad) Music

At the end of every December, Spotify comes out with a fun "Year in Review" curated playlist for each member based on the songs they streamed the most. I'm sure many, if not most, of you have seen people (myself included) sharing their results across Instagram and displaying their niche genres and superfan badges with pride (I'm in the top 0.01% of Charli XCX's listeners. Beat that!).

Unfortunately for me, I don't feel like my results were super accurate. I have a sleep playlist that I put on every night as I doze off and I didn't discover the sleep timer setting until a few months ago. So, I took it upon myself to do some revising, but with intent. Like many others, I had a pretty rocky year (read about it here) and music has helped me through the roughest bits. I've included memes with each month to make it more digestible, because I'm warning you, it's a huge bummer.

So, without further ado, may I present to you the songs and memories that shaped my year.

January: Eternity Forever

The first month of the year I was falling in love with an old flame and packing my things to be with him halfway across the country in California. We would spend hours on the phone every day. My partner loved showing me music he had worked on and helped produce, and "Fantasy" by Eternity Forever was one of them. Looking back with the knowledge I have now, I'm not sure if all he told me was entirely true. Regardless, I am now realizing the dark irony implied within the band name - like a pandemic-omen in the dark clouds looming over an unknowing world.

February: Lorde, RADWIMPS

February was not a fun month. A plethora of red flags now joined the looming January clouds, trying to warn me what the coming months would be like. I was full of anxiety because of the move and my partner and I fought often, almost breaking up. I listened to Lorde a lot during this period. At the time, I didn't know why "Buzzcut Season" resonated with me so intensely, but now I realize that was my gut instinct trying to tell me to run in the opposite direction and cut all ties immediately.

"Theme of Mitsuha" is a song from the critically-acclaimed anime film Your Name that I decided to watch right before I left Minnesota that absolutely tore my heart apart. I highly recommend it.

March: The 1975, Strawberry Girls, SZA & Calvin Harris

I arrived in southern California a few days after Valentine's Day and it felt like breaking through to the other side of the mirror. Everything was unfamiliar and I was constantly trying to appease my partner who was negging me when he wasn't giving me the silent treatment. Despite that, I had a few weeks of freedom and exploration in my new city before lockdown was enacted. I was absolutely enamored with the palm trees and birds of paradise plants growing in peoples' yards. Every day felt like the first day of spring, and that's exactly what The 1975's "Sincerity is Scary" makes me feel.

After lockdown was instated, my partner started drinking heavily, and I tried ignoring the increasing problems we faced by joining him. A goofy and fun night of listening to music would often end in fighting and crying. It was a confusing time.

April: Radiohead, Grimes

Disassociation episodes and panic attacks occurred almost daily by this point, and I felt like I was a SIMS character. One day I woke up to a playlist I had apparently created during a drinking binge that I had titled "songs that tear apart my insides and make me feel like time and space are infinite within me." If you can't tell from the title, it's a huge bummer of a playlist. I listened to it while I made art, which was the only thing I was able to do in order to forget the hell I was living in. "All I Need" by Radiohead helped me realize I was not getting my needs met in my relationship and that I needed to vocalize that.

My partner had effectively made me feel inadequate and insecure in every area of my life. This included insulting all of my interests, such as my music taste. I would listen to the music he didn't like, such as Grimes' new album Miss Anthropocene, when he went to band practice.

May: Atmosphere, Bring Me The Horizon

This is when it gets super, super dark, as if it wasn't already. The person I fell in love with was now a cold stranger. All of my attempts to speak up for myself resulted in gaslighting and emotional manipulation. I would spend hours lying in bed after waking up, trying to figure out how to fix the failing relationship. I created two different playlists (here and here - warning: they're also huge bummers) that I would listen to when I was at my lowest because I am apparently an emotional masochist, and "Bird Sings Why The Caged I Know" by Atmosphere and "Suicide Season" by Bring Me The Horizon are the songs I played the most.

June: Armor For Sleep, Regina Spektor, Bon Iver

June was the month I finally came to terms with the fact that my relationship was abusive. I remember during one argument, my partner played Armor For Sleep's "The Truth About Heaven" on repeat for almost a full hour while he drunkenly tried to convince me of his commitment to me and our relationship in the most unconvincing and disingenuous display of love and affection I have ever witnessed. It was in that disgusting conversation I realized I was being conned from the start.

A few days later, I spent my last night in California in a hotel, having fled from my partner. I remember sobering up at 3AM (because of course my last interaction with my ex was a traumatizing experience fueled by alcohol) in that hotel room listening to Regina Spektor's "Samson". I felt regret, like I should have been more upset over ending the relationship, but I actually felt relief.

After I came home, despite spending the first week in quarantine in a hotel, I felt peace for the first time all year. I rediscovered an old favorite by Bon Iver and took many walks in the suburbs of a green city that I had missed so much. If you've never been to SoCal, let me tell you, there is a huge and noticeable difference in air quality in the Midwest compared to there. I'll never forget the smell and the lightness of the sweet, dewey air stepping out of the Minneapolis airport at 6AM. It was pristine.

July: Wye Oak, PAN, Florence + the Machine

When I finally got the negative Covid test result (on the first try, thankfully), I lived with my parents for the summer. I was still grappling with the emotions of accepting the reality of what I had experienced during my time in California. When friends and family discovered I had returned to Minnesota, I told them the truth, which was a double edged sword in itself. By talking about it, I was freeing myself from the secrets of abuse I had held for so long, but it was also hard to do. I listened to "Civilian" by Wye Oak when I fell into weaker moments of self pity.

I knew I couldn't continue to allow myself to sink into those episodes of despair and defeat. Instead, I decided to show myself intentional love, care, and forgiveness. I made it my goal to connect with my intuition and develop my inner strength. I would wake up with the sun, do yoga in the backyard, and listen to music that felt like magic. While listening to "The Peach Blossom," I was struck with a lightning bolt of inspiration for a painting. I hadn't felt anything like it all year.

After realizing I was coming home to myself and my self care rituals were working, I created a playlist called "the divine goddess within." It is composed of all the badass, magical female musicians that I enjoy listening to who connect me to myself and inspire me. There is a lot of Florence + and the Machine on this playlist, but "Which Witch" is hands down the most played.

August: Megan Thee Stallion, Doja Cat, Glass Animals, Sol Calor

August was a month of fun and activity (finally!). I was able to let loose and have fun again! My father and I went on countless bike rides, I went on many hikes and had many (socially distanced) bonfires with small groups of friends. The Top 40 list is not my favorite genre, but Megan Thee Stallion was what my friends were listening to and now she's synonymous with all the fun I had with them this summer. Doja Cat helped me realize that being a misanthrope is not for me, although I am prone to having bouts of it. Often. And intensely. Throughout my entire life. What I'm trying to say is choose happiness, okay? It looks good on literally everyone despite their circumstance.

As my thirtieth birthday approached, I continued connecting with my intuition and honoring my inner child and past selves. I have a strong affinity for my emo phase decades ago, but I have had a hard time embracing my wild hippie years when I traveled to music festivals across the country in my early 20s. This summer I decided to embrace it, and discovered my desire to express myself through dance. I purchased a hula hoop since I am Painfully White™ and have no sense of rhythm. I'm not very good at it, but I enjoy twirling it around to songs like "Midnight Sky" by Sol Calor and "Youth" by Glass Animals like a wild dumbass. It's fun, and if you're judging me, dear reader, that's not a problem I'm going to take responsibility for.

September: Deftones, Periphery, Charli XCX

By this month, things were getting tense between my parents and I. Despite our best efforts, we still found ourselves butting heads and falling into the same behavior patterns that we had when I was an adolescent. It was frustrating and embarrassing needing to stay with them as an adult. I listened to a lot of aggressive metal and post-alt to help me process and cope with my frustration, solidifying my suspicions that I was reverting to my emo-kid days and behaviors. "Be Quiet and Drive" by Deftones and Periphery's "It's Only Smiles" were like grown-up versions of the screamo songs I cherished as an angsty teen, and somehow made it more appropriate for a thirty year old experiencing this kind of issue.

Though I listened to Charli XCX throughout the year, it was September that I realized she had released an album, how i'm feeling now, during quarantine and I was immediately, psychotically obsessed. It also reconnected me to past albums that I enjoyed, so I made a playlist of all of my favorite songs by her. I guess that's what made me a Spotify superfan. I regret nothing.

October: Horrorpops, Misfits, The Cramps

Minnesota is absolutely gorgeous in autumn, and it transforms me into a spooky witchy creature every year. This year, I was approved for a brownstone apartment in a historic part of the Twin Cities, which only amplified this annual tendency. As a result, I listened to a lot of psychobilly and horror punk during this period. I created a playlist - "hallowqueen" - and would sassily sing along to "Walk Like a Zombie" and "Helena" as I drove about the Twin Cities while thrifting for things to furnish my new spot. After coming home from my errands, I would pour myself a glass of wine and dance around barefoot in my robe that trailed behind me. My living room was completely empty except for my pink velvet couch and "I Can't Hardly Stand It" by The Cramps would echo off the bare walls. I felt like a goddamn spooky alt vixen. It was glorious.

November: Drake, Sleep Token, Chromatics

Thought my emo bullshit was over? Ha! Think again! By mid November, I was starting to see that my freelance job as a telemarketer was unsustainable and it was making me miserable. The unemployment insurance I applied for was denied due to moving to California. Panic attacks were returning due to financial instability, but I was trying to fight through it and listened to songs that inspired me to keep working harder. I walked around the wealthy neighborhoods in my area while listening to "Do Not Disturb" by Drake and tried to envision the kind of life I wanted. I still felt so sullied by my experiences the first half of the year, almost like I didn't deserve any good that would come into my life.

Except this time, the memories of my experience came with symptoms of PTSD. Enough time had passed where I was beginning to process what happened - and I realized that I had numbed my emotions down in order to just survive while I was in California. I had returned to myself over the summer, but that person felt like a stranger now. Mix in financial stress and the pandemic reaching dangerous new heights, and you have yourself a delicious emotional burnout cocktail. I discovered both Chromatics and Sleep Token in November. I listened to "Jaws" almost exclusively while telling myself that my identity as an artist is hinged on my struggles and despair. It wasn't a fun time, but at the very least, I was able to paint.

December: Enter Shikari, Too Ugly, Ariana Grande

December came around and I was able to breathe a short sigh of relief when I secured a brief gig helping out my uncle with his UPS route during the weeks before Christmas. It was a strange, surreal wakeup call reminding me that I haven't had a traditional job since January as well as that I am also addicted to caffeine. I need three cups of coffee just to function at a level worthy of United States capitalist exploitation. I would drive thirty minutes across both of the Twin Cities to get to the route and I would listen to "Juggernauts" by Enter Shikari while I did. The pace and the energy match the amounts of energy required to get me in the right mindset for the day, although I felt the absolute opposite on the inside.

This month hasn't been any easier than November, but at least now I have a spiky silver lining to help me through. Okay, so technically I was gifted my hedgehog in November, but bonding works both ways. He's a cranky little guy, so I need to hang out with him every single day so he gets used to me. It has now grown to be the highlight of my day. I usually put on my chillhop playlist that my beloved guinea pig enjoyed (yes he did in fact like it). My favorites are "Cafe Nervosa" and "Uptown Express" by Too Ugly. They also calm me down when I feel anxious, so it's a win-win. "Uptown Express" in particular is also, in my humblest of opinions, one of the most beautiful songs in the entire world, so if I were to recommend to you just one song on my 2020 playlist, it would be this one.

Currently, I am securing my eternal title of Late to Every Party by once again discovering a new album drop months after everyone else and listening to Positions by Ariana Grande at a level that borders obsessive. Her song "pov" brings me comfort in the sense that everyone struggles with self love, not just me - even people in seemingly perfect relationships, and that it's okay to be where I'm at right now. Her track "just like magic" lights a fire under my ass and reminds me that everything that I think and believe will manifest, and it is not only my responsibility but my goddamn birthright to do all of the things in my power to succeed at my goals. And guess what? It's yours too. Go listen to that shit, it's amazing. Ari is an earth angel and deserves all the success she's earned, and if she can do it, we can, too.

I was about to say "Here's to making 2021 my bitch," but I don't want to curse it, so I'll just say thanks for reading my story the whole way through. Mainly because I made and edited a lot of the memes myself, and that took a lot of work, but also because it's kind of embarrassing to write about all the stuff I went through this year and reveal my batshit insane Spotify playlist making habits. I appreciate you taking the time to read it. Here's one more meme I'll dedicate to the both of us for making it this far.