My Dead Dad and Musical Theatre

When my dad died, I felt as though I lost every connection to him as I became him. Even though I was wearing his clothes, walking like he did, handing out money left and right to try to match his generosity, and trying to emulate the way he laughed or ate- I didn’t feel like I had anything to grasp onto after he died, no connection to the beloved man I lost. I was hollow, and this continued to be the case until I watched The Sound of Music on his first post-death birthday.

Dad had introduced me to the musical when I was still a toddler, and I would sing along and dance around the living room to “Sixteen Going on Seventeen”, “I Have Confidence”, and “My Favorite Things” every weekend I visited him. It was basically a Saturday night ritual for me growing up, and I’m sure with how often I forced Dad to watch it, he slowly came to resent the golden age musical. Watching The Sound of Music always cheered me up, as if every song would lift any sign of stress or sadness clear from my mind.

While watching it and grieving my father, I finally found something to cling to, a connection I shared with him but didn’t make me feel like I was him. I sobbed during “Edelweiss” as I could only picture my dad swaying next to me as Captain Von Trapp sang the ballad to his homeland. I also found a new connection to the duet “Something Good”, as it encapsulated how I felt about my relationship and partner at the time.

Not only did The Sound of Music fill my childhood and help me find a connection to my father after his death, but it made me realize how much of my life had revolved around musicals, and reminded me that my dad was the person at the root of my adoration of musical theatre. Even though he preferred golden age musicals, he introduced me to several musical to movie adaptations, like Hairspray, Grease, and The Phantom of the Opera. These musicals were the start of my lifelong obsession, and my dad was to thank for all of them. I would watch every musical movie I could get my hands on, and my dad would even pirate what he could if there weren’t DVD’s available for it. He loved me and supported my love of musicals so much he broke the law. Hell, even him learning how to pirate movies was a remarkable feat for him, as he hated figuring out how to work laptops and computers.

But I can’t give my dad all the credit. His knowledge of musicals was limited, and if not for my mom turning me onto RENT while I was a pre-teen, I may have been stuck only knowing about early and pre-2000 musicals.

While The Sound of Music remained one of my favorite things in the world, and maintained its position as my favorite musical, I fell head over heels with RENT. Modern rock and musical theatre? I was flabbergasted. I loved the characters, I cried during “I’ll Cover You (Reprise)” every time, and I wanted to be Roger Davis. When I learned of Johnathan Larson and how he died before he ever saw RENT become the national phenomenon it became, I discovered a love for analyzing musicals and their history too.

I felt so bad for my dad when I became obsessed with Hamilton, as he despised rap and hip hop genres. Unsurprisingly, the only song he really tolerated was “Dear Theodosia”, and I spared him most of my obsession with the rest of the cast recording. But, I would go on tangents about the effort in the music writing, the subtlety of the staging and costuming, and the brilliant way it could change and shape the future of musical theatre to anyone who would listen. Not only that, but I would belt out “Wait for It” any chance I got. My dad didn’t necessarily enjoy the newer musicals I seas becoming interested in, but I wonder if he knew that he was the creator of the beast I became.

I got giddy every time I found a new show I enjoyed, and even more ecstatic as I realized new things about the musical’s production and writing. Shows like Hamilton, Heathers, Dear Evan Hansen, and The Lightning Thief musical all took up a ton of my attention for steady periods of time, but Next to Normal became a years long addiction. I recapped the entire show to my mom more times than I can count, and every time I listened to the cast recording I discovered something new.

After twelve years, Next to Normal would be the musical to steal The Sound of Music’s number one position on my favorites list. That being said, The Sound of Music still holds second place and will always hold a special place in my heart, especially since my dad’s passing. The thing I love about Next to Normal being my favorite musical is that even though I never introduced it to my dad, “I Am The One (Reprise)” always reminded me of him. Before I was born, he had lost two children to death and another to a messy divorce. Like the character Dan, he didn’t talk about them much if at all, and one of his kids died the same way Gabe did. I knew that Dad was haunted by the losses throughout his life, but he still worked his ass off to provide and be a good father and co-parent with my mom.

I’ve listened to over one hundred musicals, and I have fallen in love with many of them over time. Musical theatre was what I turned to while I grieved my father, during my first break up, any time I felt inadequate or stressed or angry- musical theatre has always been the answer. And through all of this, my two favorite musicals have heavy connections to my dad. The Sound of Music was not only my first introduction to musical theatre, but a musical that my dad and I always watched together; and Next to Normal, a brilliantly crafted show that my dad never listened to but reflected his struggles more accurately than anything else in the world.

It’s been two years since my dad died, but I’ve made a new tradition: I watch both The Sound of Music film and a bootleg of Next to Normal on Father’s Day, his birthday, and his death day. After all, what better way to honor someone you love than to watch a musical you practically tortured him with for most of your life, and to commit a mild crime that they also committed? I haven’t thought of one yet.