Dear Evan Hansen

Dear Evan Hansen: a musical that follows a anxious and lonely teen as he’s caught up in a lie regarding a false friendship with another student who committed suicide; a musical I relate to on so many levels I find it hard to keep track. For those of you who are familiar with Dear Evan Hansen, I should note that I am aware that relating to Evan Hansen in any way, shape, or form is not a good thing. Dear Evan Hansen is an interesting musical to me because despite how rare it is to find a sense of relation to every song from a musical, I can easily relate to the entire cast recording.

Thankfully, “Sincerely, Me” is probably the song I relate to the least, as I’ve never written fake emails to and from a dead person to make up a fake friendship. That being said, I can sort of relate to “Connor” discussing his frustrations with his family as well as Evan’s perception that anyone would be interested in something they’d actually be bored by. While I can vaguely relate to the lyrics, I also connect to the song because of my choir group in high school. Two of the senior choir students were, in my humble opinion, the coolest people in the world. Not only did they not tease me about being such a massive fan of musical theatre, but they enjoyed a lot of the same shows that I did- Dear Evan Hansen included. Every time I listen to “Sincerely, Me”, I think about the three of us singing different parts and doing the fun yet awkward dance while our conductor groaned with dismay.

From here on out, I’ll try to go in chronological order, starting with the opener of the cast recording: “Anybody Have A Map?”. From the very first lyric I was struck with a “hey, that’s me!” moment. My therapist once made me write a letter to myself, and while not in the exact same way Evan did, I was pulled in from the start. Heidi’s first verse not only reminded me of the pep talks I give my kids as a swim coach, but also how I talk to myself on rough days when I feel like the world is ending. I’ve tried to “make a new start” on several occasions, whether it be through healthier habits or trying to diversify my experiences, but have found myself struggling to do so every time, much like Evan is at the start of the show. Then, Cynthia’s verse arrives and I can feel in my gut every failure I’ve made at trying to incite change in my life even though I’ve tried to do it differently every time. The choruses hit me particularly hard as an autistic person, as I really struggle with conversations and presenting things empathetically rather than logically. As Heidi and Cynthia ask for a map of how to parent, I’m begging for a map on how to be a functional human. I believe that interpretation is key to any art form, and even though I don’t relate to “Anybody Have a Map” directly with how it’s written, that’s not the case with “Waving Through A Window”.

I was surprised that it only took the second song of Dear Evan Hansen to make me cry, but with how much I relate to “Waving Through A Window”, it’s pretty clear why. While my anxiety level is nowhere near as terrible as Evan’s, I can relate to every lyric and every fear throughout the song. Most of my life, I had always wanted someone to notice I was struggling, someone other than my family who genuinely cared for me. Yet, that possibility seemed non-existent and I often found myself wondering if I happened to disappear, would anyone care- or even notice? My love only grew when I found out the piano tempo and rhythm replicates Evan’s heartbeat throughout the song. Finally, I could explain why my own anxiety seemed to increase while listening to it. I also realized he only sang on the offbeat of the verses because he was nervous and thinking about what to say, I found myself thinking about how much I think before I speak when I care about what I’m saying. I adore “Waving Through a Window”, and I don’t think it’s much of a surprise given it’s masterful writing and Ben Platt’s wonderful execution.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get much of a break for tears as “For Forever” hit me like a battering ram. Granted, at the time it was just the beautiful vocals, but I came to relate to it more personally with time. After high school, long after I first discovered Dear Evan Hansen, I got close with a friend named Hayley. Don’t fret, thankfully she is still alive, but I found to relate a lot of our friendship to the lyrics of “For Forever”. We would go on drives for hours on end, never running out of things to discuss and often returning home in the middle of the night. We both got each other’s humour in a way no one else seemed to, and we even shared a special spot. Basalt Creek is a rest stop an hour out of my home town, and the rocks right by the water may not be an apple orchard, but is an experience unlike any other. Every day we spent together was the perfect day, and I think we both could have done it forever. We still do, but our time together is limited as Hayley seems to move every couple of months. Thankfully, she keeps coming back to spend time with me at Basalt Creek, go on drives, talk about the future, and make terrible jokes only the two of us find funny.

Continuing on with songs I related to long after I discovered the musical, I relate to “Requiem” in an interesting way. There are a handful of people I would not mourn should they happen to die, but my dad was not one of them. I was very close to my dad, and he was the one to introduce me to musical theatre. It wasn’t until the Dear Evan Hansen movie came out that I found myself relating to “Requiem”, as when Zoe drove faster and faster during the climax of the song and eventually slammed on the brakes, I saw myself doing the exact same thing. I broke down and stopped paying attention to the film briefly, as I couldn’t get over how well that scene portrayed my own grief. When my dad died, I became more reckless, as part of me wanted to join him but knew I couldn’t. And while I can relate to the song regarding a person who is still alive, that one scene from the movie portrays me more than the rest of the cast recording or film combined.

While on the topic of the movie, “If I Could Tell Her” was a song I often sang when thinking about my first crush, who I happened to watch The Dear Evan Hansen movie with in the theatre. Not only was she a dancer, but when she first started listening to Dear Evan Hansen, she would scribble stars on the cuffs of her jeans as a nod to the song. As I realized my crush was actually a crush, I found myself wishing I could tell them every beautiful and unique detail I noticed about them, but I was too scared to do so until one drunken night that lead to a love confession on both ends.

I know I said I would keep it chronological, and I mostly will, but how can I mention my ex and Dear Evan Hansen without mentioning that “Only Us” was unofficially our song. Both of us were anxious messed and needed quite a bit of reassurance in the relationship, and “Only Us” was how we gave that reassurance. While we drove around, we would sing the duet alongside Evan and Zoe if the song happened to play. Even when alone, I thought about her every time the song came on, and when we sang it together I finally understood what it was like to have butterflies in my stomach. Funnily enough, it was when I noticed she stopped singing along to “Only Us” that I realized that our relationship was nearing its end, and after our breakup I knew I had moved on when I didn’t think of her when the song played.

Breaking out of my little tangent regarding the wonderful relationship I shared with my, now, friend- “Disappear” applies to me in the way it probably should. As a fairly secluded and anxious introvert, disappearing completely from life and history has been a major fear of mine. I want to leave my mark, but I believe everyone can and should, even if it’s the smallest impact. Plus, having the reassurance that even if you’re different: you still matter- is always nice to hear.

And of course, “You Will Be Found” continues to push away those fears. simple reassurances that nothing and no one is too far gone, that someone will help, that things will get better. Listening to this song

While a lot of songs on the cast recording have me crying happy tears or send me into a complete mental breakdown, “To Break In A Glove” does a little bit of both. Throughout the song it becomes increasingly clear that the perseverance required to break in a glove is a metaphor for parenting, life, and helping others. I was lucky enough throughout my life to have not just my mom and dad, but my godfather as well. All three of my parental figures were extremely important in shaping me, and their consistent effort has helped me overcome the biggest challenges. Early in my life while my dad was scared shitless about having another kid that would likely end up being ripped away from him, I had my godfather as a consistent and positive father figure. So much so I would often find myself calling out “Mom- Dave- no, Dad- Dave- Dave!” when talking to him. Dad did get better over time, and he spoiled me rotten to make up for time he couldn’t spend with me, and taught me generosity and kindness was always worth it. When my dad died, I had my mom to lean on and she made sure I was somewhat stable throughout the entire process. They’ve all aided me in my ability to push through life’s ups and downs and I couldn’t be more grateful to my parental unit, so hearing “To Break In A Glove” from a parent going through the impossible to a kid who lacks that support sends me into tears more often than not.

As we reach the end of the show, we see a bit more of my petty side regarding how I relate to the lyrics of the songs. “Good For You” is my favourite song on the cast recording mainly because of how I love Heidi’s vocal shift from gentle, supportive, and uplifting to flat-out bitter and furious. I’ll admit that I haven’t always been the best person, and I can almost imagine my mom singing this to me. I have a terrible tendency to prioritize everyone and everything over my family members, and my mom has often expressed how much it hurts her. I’m sure she’s wanted to lash out at me in a similar way to Heidi in “Good For You” on more than one occasion. I’ve also left friends behind or hurt them with my desire and confidence that I’m always right, and as I’ve grown I can’t go back and reclaim those lost friendships. While I’m not a lying and selfish prick like Evan is, I have definitely had my poorer moments that deserve a rage-ballad like “Good For You” in response.

I said I wasn’t a liar right? Well, I lied a little bit. I relate a lot to “Words Fail” because of my actions with a long distance friend of mine. He lives in New Zealand and I live in Canada, yet I lied about my circumstance in order to prevent judgment from a friend who never expressed any end to his understanding. I felt so guilty when I told him the truth, and “Words Fail” expresses that guilt in a way I couldn’t even fully do. Thankfully, he was worried about me, but was empathetic to no end, and I could not appreciate him more.

And finally, “So Big/So Small”, the song that causes me to sob waterfalls from just the first note. I mentioned my dad quite a bit in this story and I’m others, but I don’t talk about my mom nearly enough. While my dad was great for weekend visits, my mom was a single parent who made sure I made it through constantly. Heidi sings about the difficulties of being a single parent and being able to provide fully for Evan, and I can only think about my mom’s struggles. My dad always made sure we were okay financially, but my mom has always been my number one supporter. Life has been far from kind to her, yet she has always made sure I know she loves me unconditionally. She’s far from perfect, no parent or person is, but my mom is pretty damn amazing and has always done her best. “So Big/So Small” made me think of my mom even more after my dad died, as I thought about how hard his death must have been for her too. They were separated, but they were very functional co-parents and friends, yet she had to support me through his death and push her grief aside to do so. I know I felt small and alone in his apartment without him, and she must have felt her support system and friend group shrink in the same way. We both commented on how big his apartment was as we emptied it out, so I can only imagine it was equally painful for the both of us. The lyrics “your mom isn’t going anywhere/your mom is staying right here/no matter what/I’ll be here” just made me think about that, as long as she’s alive, she’ll be there for me. I couldn’t appreciate her any more than I do.

Despite the odds, I can relate to every song from Dear Evan Hansen. With so much of my life and worldview on the table for anyone to see, and my connections to the songs all listed out, I think I’ll end my reprieve here with a simple: Sincerely, Me.