Musical Roller Coaster

My parents always had music playing in the car and being a military family, we were in the car a lot. We would travel long distances across the USA to visit family from whatever part of the country the military dropped us in for the next few years. The radio was always playing, and we listened to a wide variety of music from the 60s through whatever was current at the time. Many songs I listened to then are still on rotation today. The songs on this playlist mean a lot to me for different reasons. Some are empowering or happy and some are sad, others are in between. Sometimes a song strikes a chord (pun intended) with a person, and they never really know why. The first song that I fell in love with was one of the latter. I was too young to understand the song, but I imagine the combination of the jangly guitars and the sound of Susanna Hoffs’ voice just made me happy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SsmVgoXDq2w&list=PLT1eqtqaY4AHYctqt0B7N7vnAZ3DFG2F8&index=1

Manic Monday by The Bangles

If there was one band that followed me from my earliest memories to today it would be The Bangles and particularly the song Manic Monday. The first time I heard this song I was riding in the car with my aunt. She was an upper teen at the time, and I was around 3. My aunt had a cassette tape from the band in the tape deck. Manic Monday came on and my toddler mind was blown. It was an instant hit and I just had to hear it again. As soon as the last chord played, I needed to hear the song again. “Play it again, Aunt Jenny,” I asked from the backseat of the car. I’m not sure how many times in a row she played this song but every time it ended, I would make the same request, “play it again, Aunt Jenny.” Every time she would rewind the tape (back then you couldn’t just hit a button and instantly be at the beginning of the song again). On an entire cassette tape, we listened to one song all the way back home. She was probably happy to return me to my parents and listen to a different song. That was the start of an obsession with music that followed me through the ups and downs of life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iQ9QvfnIJUk&list=PLT1eqtqaY4AHYctqt0B7N7vnAZ3DFG2F8&index=2

Daytime Friends by Kenny Rogers

I must put this on my list because my brother used to harass me over this song. As a young and innocent child, I did not understand that daytime friends and nighttime lovers were because the two were cheating on their spouses. Now that I am older, I understand the rest of the lyrics and fully understand what the song is about. At that age, however, I thought it was nice that they were friends and lovers and as such declared that I would have the song played at my wedding. My brother swore to me that one day when I got married, he would have the DJ play it at my wedding. My brother died before I got married and a part of me still wonders if he would have gone through with it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xmr8bEuyQjA&list=PLT1eqtqaY4AHYctqt0B7N7vnAZ3DFG2F8&index=3

Kokomo The Beach Boys

My family moved to Irvine, CA when I was entering 1st grade. Each move feels like a defining moment in my life though the moment lasted for a few years and encompassed other defining moments. In the late 80s and early 90s, Southern California was all about neon clothing with as many colors as you could put together for one outfit. It was also all about the beach and with The Beach Boys. We listened to a lot of Beach Boys songs during our time in sunny Southern California but the one that sticks out the most for me is Kokomo. The relaxed vibe and sunny imagery of the song was perfect for living in a place so close to the ocean. When I hear this song, it takes me back to sitting in the car on the drives around town and back to South Carolina to see family. I feel those happy and relaxed vibes all over again remembering belting this song out in the car.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-KoXt9pZLGM&list=PLT1eqtqaY4AHYctqt0B7N7vnAZ3DFG2F8&index=4

God Bless The USA by Lee Greenwood

I imagine to most people this song invokes a feeling of pride in one’s country and is a positive song. I do feel a sense of pride when I hear this song, but I also feel sad when it plays. When I hear this song, I am transported back to the little girl standing on a pier in front of a Naval Vessel. I feel pride because I love my country. My dad served in the United States Marine Corps for most of my childhood and teenage years and retired when I was around 16. The pier I was standing on may have seemed like a party to others passing by. A lot of people in uniforms and families. Music was playing and reporters were asking questions. We toured the ship and took pictures all while knowing that soon this ship would leave with my dad on it, and we would spend more than a year wondering if he would return to us. Thankfully, my dad did return to us but when this song plays, I feel all the emotions that child felt. I feel the tears welling up in my eyes even though I know the story has a happy ending.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3J64KKWFqk&list=PLT1eqtqaY4AHYctqt0B7N7vnAZ3DFG2F8&index=5

Sitting on the Dock of the Bay, Michael Bolton Version

This song is not tied to a defining moment in my life, but the song has significant impact as it brings back fond memories. This song brings back all those happy feelings remembering times spent with my dad from childhood to now. When this song came on the radio my dad would save up all his energy during the song preparing for a specific moment in the song. He would wait for almost three minutes and when the time was close you could see him preparing before belting out “I’m sittin’ here restin’ my bones.” When he would sing that part, my brothers and I would laugh. This may not have been a specific defining moment, but this song makes me laugh to this day and remember how funny and goofy my dad can be. If my dad is around when the song comes on, I watch and wait with anticipation for that one line. Sometimes he does the line or two after that as well. If I hear it and he’s not around, I can picture those moments in my head clearly and feel all that joy and silliness rushing back to me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iqu132vTl5Y&list=PLT1eqtqaY4AHYctqt0B7N7vnAZ3DFG2F8&index=6

The Sign by Ace of Base (both the individual song and the whole album)

I was 9 years old going on 10 when we packed up from our stint in California and headed to Okinawa, a small island off the coast of Japan. It was around the time of that move that my musically inclined brother found the band Ace of Base. My older brother, Matthew, was a few years older than me and almost a year younger than our oldest brother. Matthew was always in search of new music to listen to, and I often followed him and fell in love with the bands he would find. When he introduced me to Ace of Base, the first song I heard was The Sign. It was so upbeat and fun to listen and sing along to. The song followed me from the innocence of childhood where I had yet to be hurt to my older years where the song’s meaning became clearer, and the song became an anthem for healing from bad relationships.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qk9xX85Jhnk&list=PLT1eqtqaY4AHYctqt0B7N7vnAZ3DFG2F8&index=7

No One Needs to Know by Shania Twain

We moved back to the USA when I was 12 going on 13. Our adventure home included a flight to California and a drive from California to Maryland. Southern Maryland was to be our new home and where my dad would ultimately retire. As teenagers, we were excited about finally having a mall again. We had been back to the states for visits, but we had not had the opportunity to spend hours at the mall with friends. It was the summer of 1995, and we had a lot to pack into a short summer. Our summer started with picking up the car stored in California and driving it across the country to South Carolina for my Aunt Jenny’s wedding. Then driving to Maryland and finding a house to settle in for whatever period the military would leave us in our new home. Matthew and I spent the summer in South Carolina, opting out of the grueling house hunting trip and spending that time with our cousins instead. My aunt had also developed a love for 1990s country music was listening to Shania Twain. I don’t remember if I had heard it before listening in her car, but it was in her car that it was cemented in my brain and became the song of that summer. She had taken my cousin and I out, probably to the mall I hadn’t been to in years, and we were listening to the CD in her car when I heard No One Needs to Know for the first time. Every time I hear the song, I am instantly transported back to riding shotgun in Aunt Jenny’s pink GEO Tracker with my cousin Tiffany in the back seat. We listened to the whole CD, but that was the one Tiffany and I kept repeating during the drive. When I hear that song or that album, I can feel the wind in my hair and see us singing and dancing along with Shania Twain as we drove down the highway.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjnlA4OaUGw&list=PLT1eqtqaY4AHYctqt0B7N7vnAZ3DFG2F8&index=8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvF5imxSaLI&list=PLT1eqtqaY4AHYctqt0B7N7vnAZ3DFG2F8&index=9

Runaway Train by Soul Asylum and Bridge Over Troubled Waters by Simon and Garfunkle

My teenage years were a very difficult time for me. I went from a happy, innocent child to feeling broken and hurt in a way I couldn’t explain. I had high hopes for being back in the USA. I had visions of hanging out with friends at the mall and having a good time. I also somewhat envisioned that high school would be like Saved by the Bell. That was not the reality I had in front of me. I was considered a freak because I had not lived in the same place my whole life. This period was also the first time I was surrounded by civilian children and not military children that understand that our time together is short and the need to make the most of that limited time. I had friends that I went to kindergarten with, but I didn’t know where they were currently stationed. My friend group changed every couple of years, and I was now in a place where friend groups were cemented in elementary school. I was heading into 8th grade and most of my classmates had known each other for years. I did have a few friends, but it was a different world. My friends had other friend groups that were more of a priority, and I did not fit in with those friends. I was also bullied by the “popular” kids before I even knew who those kids were. The torment began shortly before school began. The one friend I had at this point was sent over to my house by her parents and the friend she had known for years decided she didn’t like me before even meeting me. The popular group of kids decided they did not like me, or my new friend and I did not understand how anyone could make such a snap judgment and be so vicious about it. My middle and high school years were marred by loneliness, fear, sadness, and confusion. Songs like Runaway Train and Bridge Over Troubled Water became constant companions. Listening to Runaway Train made me feel less alone; I felt like there was someone who understood my descent into depression. It was like there was someone out there who felt what I was feeling, who understood how trapped and helpless I felt. Bridge Over Troubled Water helped give me hope where I felt hopeless. I could listen to that song, and it was like having someone whisper in my ear that I am not alone, and I can survive these feelings. I don’t remember all the songs that were on the list during this period. But I remember spending hours laying on my bed, crying and listening to these songs.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ivt_N2Zcts&list=PLT1eqtqaY4AHYctqt0B7N7vnAZ3DFG2F8&index=10

Bitch by Meredith Brooks

During the happier times in my teenage years, my frined and I would spend a lot of time in her backyard playing in the pool and listening to music. When Bitch came on the radio, it was such a fun and hilarious song. It also in some way defined what it felt like to be a woman, especially one going through puberty at the time. It felt like things went from good to bad or bad to good in an instant. My friend and I would listen to this song in her backyard and sing at the top of our lungs.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vzerbXFwGCE&list=PLT1eqtqaY4AHYctqt0B7N7vnAZ3DFG2F8&index=11

Breathless by The Corrs and pretty much that entire album

The Corrs came on to the scene earlier in the 90s, but this was the first song I heard from the band. It became one of many bands obsessively listened to and continue to listen to today. This song was upbeat and fun. It was at a time when I was developing more romantic interests and songs about dating were meaningful to me. I loved the song and longed to find someone to make me feel that way.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-vBymB7sNQ&list=PLT1eqtqaY4AHYctqt0B7N7vnAZ3DFG2F8&index=12

Bring it All Back by S Club 7

I love the upbeat and positive message of this song. It was from one of the many random bands put together that came on to the scene for a period. This was one of the positive songs that helped me get through the difficult times. This song was a popular choice for my cousin and I to listen to during summers we spent together trying to forget that the rest of the world (particularly our bullying peers) existed.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_hHQhBw2wk&list=PLT1eqtqaY4AHYctqt0B7N7vnAZ3DFG2F8&index=13

Over My Head by The Fray

This and other songs by The Fray frequented my playlists in my 20s for a few reasons. I really liked their sound, which was calm and low-key. I also felt a connection to songs like this one because I often felt like I was in over my head and would never accomplish what I set out to do. I was still trying to recover from the pain of my teenage years and struggled with depression and anxiety. I often felt like I was not good enough and that I never would be.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TsSuueEGQSM&list=PLT1eqtqaY4AHYctqt0B7N7vnAZ3DFG2F8&index=14

Coconut by Harry Nilsson

My 21st birthday wasn’t a defining moment because I got drunk with friends or had a massive party. I did not spend my 21st birthday with friends, I spent it with family and lived out one of my favorite movies. I had a typical birthday, I had dinner with my family and my brother bought me a mudslide. I loved spending time with my family, and it was neat to be able to order a drink at a restaurant. My favorite memory of that night happened much earlier in the day. I have loved the movie Practical Magic since it came out in 1998. My parents also loved the movie and we used to watch it on Halloween a lot. In the movie, Gilly and Sally wake up for midnight margaritas with their aunts and dance around the kitchen to Coconut. My wish for my birthday was to have midnight margaritas for my 21st birthday. Luckily, I have cool parents and they were willing to wake up in the middle of the night on my 21st birthday to make and drink margaritas with me. My mom does not like any alcohol and my dad did not like margaritas, but they still had a margarita with me that morning and it is a memory I will always cherish.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRoYuOQiutg&list=PLT1eqtqaY4AHYctqt0B7N7vnAZ3DFG2F8&index=15

Anyway by Martina McBride

I moved again in 2008 when my parents and other family members decided to relocate to Alabama. We had a lot of family in South Carolina, and we were in Maryland still. We all wanted to be closer to family and live somewhere that was more affordable. We moved to Northern Alabama. We met up with other family members and looked at our potential new home. We loved that there was so much to do, prices were affordable, and we could be close to entertainment, travel, and healthcare. We liked the place, and I joined my parents when they moved. Moving provided a new start and this song later became somewhat of an anthem for me in my mid-20s. Listening to the song encouraged me to try things even if it didn’t work out. I learned to do it anyway regardless of if it was frightening or failed. This song helped motivate me to try to slow down and enjoy my life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DY7kx0pcKbc&list=PLT1eqtqaY4AHYctqt0B7N7vnAZ3DFG2F8&index=16

Are You Happy Now by Michelle Branch

I was not very good at dating and found myself making similar mistakes often. I was too easy to forgive and allow a person back into my life. I had a boyfriend that I was finally finished with, he had hurt me for the last time. On our last date, I learned that he essentially thought of me as a backup plan because his relationship with another person was on the rocks. When I found out how he viewed me and that he was also cheating on someone else I walked away for the last time. I was hurt and this song helped with the healing process. I could picture playing it for him and telling him never to call me again. The song reminded me that I was worth more and he was the one that was losing something, not me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBOT7gR2LWU&list=PLT1eqtqaY4AHYctqt0B7N7vnAZ3DFG2F8&index=17

Always Enough by Susanna Hoffs

I spent a good deal of my life feeling like I wasn’t good enough or smart enough to be loved and successful. As I approached my upper 20s and was stuck in a job that was going nowhere. I had been passed over for promotion at a job I worked at for several years. I had done the job many times when we were between employees or when the person was on vacation. I was organized and efficient, I knew what I was doing, and I was a hard worker. They still passed me over for the promotion and then expected me to train the person they hired. It felt like I was never going to be good enough to get anything I wanted in life. I felt like there was something wrong with me. I heard this song and it felt like my mother was talking to me. I could hear her voice echoing the words to “hold tight” and that I was “always enough.” It helped me hold on through those feelings and through the troubles I had no clue were around the corner.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HfIZ7WXvDxo&list=PLT1eqtqaY4AHYctqt0B7N7vnAZ3DFG2F8&index=18

By The Grace of God by Katy Perry

By The Grace of God is another song about picking yourself up and getting through something that hurt. By the end of my 20s I had been let go from my job and I recently got out of another bad relationship. I was looking toward my 30s and ready to get the teens and 20s behind me. My brother had also been going through a difficult time and his marriage had ended so he moved from Maryland to join those of us in Alabama. I had found and fallen in love with Katy Perry’s music at the time and this song was very meaningful to me. While Hot and Cold was a fun song and the whole album is enjoyable, By the Grace of God reminded me that I could pick myself back up and rise from the ashes of my old life. I could move beyond all the difficult things that had happened and focus on my future. I had an opportunity to spend more time with my brother and create a new future for myself. I firmly believed that my 30s would be much better than my teens and 20s. In some ways, I was right; In other ways, I was very wrong.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsCp5LG_zNE&list=PLT1eqtqaY4AHYctqt0B7N7vnAZ3DFG2F8&index=19

Amazing Grace

My 30s started off with mixed emotions. I was single and unemployed; I was unsure of where to go with my life. On the other hand, circumstances in my brother’s life brought him to Alabama with my parents, myself, and a few other family members that had also moved by this point in time. In addition to my brothers and my personal struggles, my grandmother had been relocated to Alabama so my parents and my uncle could look after her. She was in the later stages of dementia and died in 2013. Grandma loved Amazing Grace and we played it at her funeral to honor her. This song also played a part in another defining moment that changed the course of my life less than a year later when my brother died. We also played this song at Matthew’s funeral in 2014 less than a year after burying our grandmother. This song will always be linked to those moments, making it both uplifting and painful at the same time. Hearing Amazing Grace takes me back to those moments and for a while was difficult to hear without crying.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKt3o7WPYdo&list=PLT1eqtqaY4AHYctqt0B7N7vnAZ3DFG2F8&index=20

I Lived by One Republic

Between the death of my grandmother and the death of my brother, I had 9 months in which Matthew, and I spent every day together. We were job hunting together and often discussed plans and hopes for our future. We discussed going back to college and trying a different path. We also spent a lot of time driving around and listening to music. Our drives took us to some places we probably never would have known about if it weren’t for our random drives. When I look back, I am so happy that I had that brief period with Matthew. It gave us all those days we spent driving around and listening to music. During that time, we did live. We did everything we were able to cram into that short period of time. When I hear this song, I’m reminded of everything we did throughout our lives and how much we lived in those years. He left us far too soon, but during the 33 years he was with us, he lived every day and I’m so grateful to have all the memories.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTnWFT3DvVA&list=PLT1eqtqaY4AHYctqt0B7N7vnAZ3DFG2F8&index=21

See You Again by Carrie Underwood

We played this song at my brother’s funeral. It was a song of hope and reminding us that we would see Matthew again one day. This song helped me get through the pain of his funeral and burial. Everything felt so final, and I felt like I was never going to see my brother again. When I listen to this song, I am filled with hope and the comfort of knowing that one day I will see him again in a better place.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NoEmz2p4KFo&list=PLT1eqtqaY4AHYctqt0B7N7vnAZ3DFG2F8&index=22

I’m in Here (Acoustic Version) by Sia

After my brother’s death, I felt very alone and felt like no one really understood what I was feeling. Everyone is aware of the stages of grief, but people rarely tell you that it’s not one and done. The stages cycle back and when you think you have finally gotten through one, a wave of emotion suddenly hits you and you’re back to that stage again. I often listened to this song and similar songs during these times. Without Matthew, I felt lost and alone. I spent hours driving around alone listening to music. This song helped me to feel less alone in my feelings. It was another person saying the words that were stuck in my head, things that I couldn’t say out loud could be released listening to Sia’s words.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6UzAtPZcv1c&list=PLT1eqtqaY4AHYctqt0B7N7vnAZ3DFG2F8&index=23

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E0qIG-h4rIE&list=PLT1eqtqaY4AHYctqt0B7N7vnAZ3DFG2F8&index=24

Like You and My Heart is Broken by Evanescence

During the months and years after losing my brother, I found my way to a lot of different music that helped me to feel less alone. I often felt like I could not voice the thoughts in my head to anyone and I certainly did not want people I cared about to be burdened with the dark thoughts in my head. My Heart is Broken echoed the feelings in my heart and the thoughts in my head. I felt like my heart was broken and I would never be whole again without my brother. I wanted to be released from this pain, but I also didn’t want to forget my brother. Like You echoed feelings I couldn’t voice to those around me. In the song, Amy Lee speaks about losing her sister and wanting to join her. I spent a lot of time in the wake of my brother’s death wanting to join him. I wanted to “lie cold in the ground like you,” as Amy Lee sings. I often went back and forth with the desire to remain in the past with him and move forward in life. It felt wrong to still be here when he was not, and I struggled to reconcile that I could exist in the world without my brother. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to live in a world without Matthew in it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-KkrfwcwPL0&list=PLT1eqtqaY4AHYctqt0B7N7vnAZ3DFG2F8&index=25

You’re Not Alone Tonight by Keith Urban

I had heard songs by Keith Urban in passing before and while I liked them, they were always songs I heard elsewhere and not songs that I sought out. After Matthew died, I found this song by Keith Urban and it encouraged me to seek out more of his songs. In doing so I found a collection of songs to help get me through trying times, but this remained one of my favorites. In times when I felt abandoned and alone, I had his voice in my earbuds telling me that that was not the case. I was not alone. It was a voice that had been through trying times telling me that I am not alone and that I can make it through. He was telling me to keep the faith and know that there was someone watching over me and listening to me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2lGP78ckF_Q&list=PLT1eqtqaY4AHYctqt0B7N7vnAZ3DFG2F8&index=26

Come What May by Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman

In making the choice to be part of the world and move forward without my brother, I also opened myself up to finding love again. It was trial and error and I had some bad experiences, but eventually I met the man I would choose to spend the rest of my life with. I had fallen in love with the song Come What May from the Moulin Rouge soundtrack when the movie came initially. When I met my husband, it was a song we both loved and one we truly felt. Come what may we would love each other until our dying day. Everything felt different and I had fallen in love with a person who felt like he should have always been in my life. He was patient and kind while I was struggling to voice my feelings. He had already decided that I was the one and, in a way, I did too, but I was too afraid to declare it out loud. This song represented what both of us felt, that everything we had experienced led us to each other and no matter what difficulties lay ahead, we could get through them together. I hear this song and it takes me back to him twirling me around the dance floor and me trying not to rush the moment. I was nervous being on the floor with everyone watching us and he held me tight. I knew that I didn’t have to go through things alone and I could count on him to pull me in tight and hold me through the storms of life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=trbnYwaVvmY&list=PLT1eqtqaY4AHYctqt0B7N7vnAZ3DFG2F8&index=27

Broken Pieces Shine by Evanescence

This song helped me feel more hopeful about my future despite all the struggles with depression, anxiety, and grief. This song didn’t try to tell me that everything was going to be great or that all the problems would magically disappear. It was more real and felt hopeful to me. Amy Lee states that survival hurts “but I keep breathing in, I’m alive” and “I’m not fine/I don’t know if I will be alright/but I have to try.” Living without my brother by my side was and will always be painful. Every day that I am here is a day I am choosing to survive without him, and it hurts. The lyrics in this song resonated with the confusion and thoughts in my head. I was definitely not fine, and I didn’t know if I would be but I knew I had to try. I was here and I needed to try and so I kept breathing and living. Amy Lee also sings “so what if we do fall apart” and “let all the broken pieces shine.” These lines encouraged me to keep going. I had to try to keep moving forward and try. I felt Amy Lee’s words deeply and they helped me realize that I could be broken and still have joy. There would always be a part of me that was broken, but I had to try to move forward even if I fell apart. I could let those broken pieces shine and let love and light into my heart again.

Thanks for joining me on my musical journey through the roller coaster of life.

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLT1eqtqaY4AHYctqt0B7N7vnAZ3DFG2F8