Music is my Spirit Guide

The Preface to a Weird One

Music. A drop of purity in an otherwise dark world. A friend through good, bad, and painfully average times. Yup, music rides along with us through all facets of life – and it’s pretty wonderful.

For me, music has accidentally become somewhat of a guiding force in my life. I began to notice that oftentimes when I popped on the radio, listened to a song radio on Spotify (plays similar songs to the one you choose, usually just whatever pops into my head), or on my discover weekly (another Spotify playlist feature), some song would come up that was perfect for whatever situation I happened to be facing, like it was speaking to me. Call it coincidence, confirmation bias, the law of attraction or damn right delusion, it is what it is. So, I began to listen. During quarantine it has been no different, and this lockdown happens to have inadvertently became the most transformative period of my life so far… for reasons I cannot wait to share.

The Beggining of the End

I’ll actually start the journey a couple of days before my country went into lockdown, when I was living in student halls getting ready to move over to my (now ex, but more on that later) boyfriends flat to ride this thing out. Sh*t was… bad. I had been teetering on the edge of balance for some time, unsure of where I was heading in life, what to do about a load of situations, and really was just a bit lost. I was a mature student living with a load of 18 year olds (I'm 22) that seemed to have it the same amount of (if not more) together as me which of course, made everything 100x worse (gooood how am I so far behind in life!!). So, healthily, I had basically decided to give up. Give up and live a “park life” (a blur song, which may as well kick off this playlist!). For me this meant giving up on my already failing health goals, smoking a tonne of pot, and abandon my creative pursuits. The plan was to head to stay with bae, get super high, watch a bunch of tv and apply for jobs at the supermarkets which were all hiring emergency workers. My friend had been down in my dorm watching a film, whilst interrogating me on how I had reconciled with my boyfriend (including the final we have had 3 break ups in 2020, and I think 2 in 2019…). They, as well as I on some level, knew we were no good but the toxic cycle was yet to break. In defensive frustration, I went outside for a cigarette and popped on a random playlist. And, the true song journey began… A new bop I hadn’t heard before came on through my headphones, and it gave me a lil spark of confidence as the words “I can move, move, move any mountain” swam through my head. The song was (can you guess the name?) “I can move any mountain” by The Shamen. In retrospect, this was probably indicative of the power within me available to shift the mountain of self-disbelief I had allowed to overshadow me. Alas, I felt the little spark of confidence then continued on my path of destruction nonetheless.

So, the next day I packed up my stuff and off I went to get the train. It was a beautiful day, really gorgeous, sunny blue skies and those clouds that makes one think of some Pixar film they’re so perfect. There was a weird feeling in the air, I am not actually quite sure what it could be called. The calm before the storm I suppose, some kind of collective fear, uncertainty, and weird excitement that something on such a huge scale was happening. I actually find this whole thing rather unifying, that pretty much everyone in the world is in the same boat at the same time, and that day felt the same. Everyone either in disbelief or heading off to wherever they were planning to quarantine. I had a weird feeling of excitement at the prospect of being government mandated to chill tf out for the foreseeable future, guilt at daring to feel excitement during a global pandemic, and sober sense that we as a collective were just about the live through history that future generations will be taught about in school. Soundtrack to this train journey? Many songs – but namely “Inside Out and Upside Down” by OK Go!. I chose to put it on cause it’s a bit of a banger, but it turned out to be quite fitting. The lyrics “Can’t stop, won’t stop its like a feight train, t-t-t-t-t-train” felt like an omen about the virus itself. The general vibe of the song aligned with the way I felt about the world at that time, like everything was being turned upside down and inside out! There was also a lyric “Don’t know where your mind is baby, but you’re better off without it” – had a thought that it could be a sign to quit my stoner habits, but decided to ignore it in that moment…

!DO NOT GO OUTSIDE! (stay inside and f*** up ur life instead)

And so it began, that Friday. Locked in a tiny flat with a boy I had reconciled with about 2 weeks prior - until further notice. Healthy… For the next 3 weeks it was pretty much the same thing every day, watching a lot of telly, maybe head out on daily exercise if I could be bothered, and eating a lot of crap. Also, smoking a fair amount of weed… I even felt like I knew I was just flushing myself down the toilet but didn’t have the energy to bother trying to get myself out of it. At one point, I noticed “She’s over and Done with” by The Proclaimers on my discover weekly playlist – I passively aggressively ignored it. We were arguing a bit, here and there. Toxic behaviours from both of us were bubbling up to the surface and I started to feel really weird and like I just had to get out of there. One night, as I oscillated between intense desire to want to runaway to my parents house, and intense guilt at leaving my boyfriend alone (cause I know I would prefer company during this), I was sat out in the alleyway contemplating life and sparking up (of course, like I say, in this time I briefly walked the path of destruction). There, “Life of Riley” by the Lightening Seeds came on shuffle, and I suddenly felt quite at peace. “I don’t mind, I get the feeling you’ll be fine, I still believe that in this life, we need to find the time… for the life of riley” – well, someone doesn’t mind these transgressions apparently… and that little thought that I could actually end up fine, somehow, was all I needed. I was out of there! I phoned my mum and asked her to come collect me as soon as she could. Not perhaps the most sensible thing during lockdown, but in the U.K parents were still allowed to collect their kids from uni, and although I wasn’t at uni, I feel like saving your daughter from a unhealthy environment (mostly created by herself of course) was fair enough.

The Turning Point (mental revelations and some tears)

So, home I went. I felt free! If you ever get the opportunity to move in with (whilst being government ordered to stay inside) an on again off again partner whom you got back together with again about a fortnight prior, I recommend you don’t as it is really stupid. Lol. Onwards and upwards however! Maybe some space is what we needed? I’d like to say the path of destruction stopped as soon as I got home, but it did not… Whilst unpacking, I pulled one of my (three!!) dream catchers that once upon a time had 3 feathers hanging down on it, and there it was with a solitary feather left. An omen for me being on my last chance, or something, maybe. Just another sign to run away from then! Oh, avoidance is just so easy. I think on my second day of being home, I chose my daily exercise to be a late-night walk to the woods to get high (broken record?). I was even a little bored of myself at this stage, but just felt stuck, hopeless. The bad omens began whilst I was walking down my street, and the neighbours cat literally ran away (like a flash) upon seeing me, as if it were frightened just by the sight of me. Damnnn that aura must have been ashy… Music was there to pull me out of this funk though, like it’s always been there. Irritatingly, some random songs came on that I didn’t know which totally spoke to me, but I didn’t check what they were called at the time and searches of the lyrics I remembered were in vain. Worth noting, however was “you say you’re fine but all I see is you drowning”… uhhhhh. Yeah fair enough.

I remembered a song that had came on shuffle whilst, surprise surprise, I had been sparking up in the woodlands nearby my halls a few weeks back before this all began, so that is next up on this here quarantine playlist. “Bubbles” by Bliffy Clyro. “There’s a girl (x4) she’s down by the river, in her own creepy world there’s a girl there’s a girl, she’s down by the riverrrrr! It’s time to consider, that maybe she’s a sinner, so wash away your sins (x5) and come homeeee.”. As I sat there, in my own creepy world down by the river (okay, I wasn’t near the woodland river but still), I was considering that perhaps I was a sinner. Eek. Okay universe I am listening this time… I felt a little disoriented so started off the stumble home. And I really did hope that a future I wasn’t quite sure existed would be worth giving up my habits for. I knew I would never know if it existed or not until I did. So, it was decided. I felt really weird, like I had finally gotten out of bed after snoozing an alarm for too long, but I did get out of bed. I finally listened to those signs – having ignored them in times past. My head was all over the place, what was I doing, the final months of 2019 I had started trying to get my life on track, then come new year I just fell from grace. 2020 had been a rollercoaster of slipping in and out of alignment almost daily, overthinking my relationship and every situation in my life to the absolute max, until the eventual give up. Eek! I went home and just lay on my bed.

And there I just layed, hot. Physically hot, like all this pent-up emotional energy was bleeding out of me. All the damn frustration and confusion I’d caused myself over that damn boy, all the pain and fears that had built up and led to my eventual “f*** this sh*t I’m out” attitude, everything. I lay there like that for hours – literally. Sweating it all out, letting it all leave. It was amazing in a weird way, I felt this huge shift within me. I actually vomited afterwards (TMI) then just went to bed and slept. At some point I am sure I heard a roll of thunder, like real life pathetic fallacy. It was pretty mad. The next morning, I woke up feeling lighter than I have perhaps felt in my life, like I had just dropped a massive load of baggage which had slipped under my conscious awareness off at the dump. I rolled over and popped the radio on, and you’ll never guess what song was playing (on Absolute Radio 90’s, a personal fav): “I can move, move, move any mountain”.

The Beginning of the Beginning

The song! From that night! Warmth rushed over me, and I knew I just KNEW a new chapter of my life was beginning. In a fit of inspiration, I wrote the affirmation “I can move any mountain!” in pink pen on my mirror, then went about my day. The next several days were mostly the same. Trying to refrain from cigarettes (I think I had two after deciding to change my life for the better, and none since them), trying out some meditation, yoga, different health practises, signing up for free health bootcamps online, attempting to eat vegan foods. I felt pretty good actually! I bought some weird alternative health things on amazon, such as a face jade roller and “yoni eggs” (don’t ask) so I decided to try them out. To really try heal myself. Hitting up my journal every day, and not looking back at my transgressions. It’s pretty fun actually! Project-me. The radio was the soundtrack to this phase, and only one song really stuck out which is worth mentioning: “Things can only get better” by D:ream (thanks Absolute Radio 90’s!). And, they could. Literally. They couldn’t get any worse! Motivation to continue on the path of salvation, as opposed to destruction.

The next notable nugget of musical guidance would come about a few days down the line, on a really lovely day actually. I was out on my daily exercise, walking by the canal in the little town my parents live in. It was a gorgeous evening, golden hour so the whole town was shining. My parents only moved here a few months ago, I absolutely love it. There are woodlands all over and lots of trees, paths by rivers and the likes. I am a bit of nature nerd, or “nature w*nker” as one of my friends has endearingly called me before… Anyway, I think the song radio I was listening to was “We Didn’t Start the Fire” by Billy Joel (absolute banger), but that isn’t the song that touched my heart. No, a few down the line an Elton John piece I had never heard before popped up. “The Bitch is Back”, with lyrics “Oh the bitch, the bitch, the bitch is back! Stone cold sober as a matter of fact.” Woot woo! This bitch was indeed back, and was indeed stone cold sober as a matter of fact! After this my phone promptly died – which actually ended up being a blessing in disguise. Whilst I was on my way home, a woman’s dog ran over to me and I gave it a stroke, and we ended up chatting (from a safe social distance, of course) for ages. Like around an hour maybe, and boy did we both need that chat. Many subjects were covered, but namely she ended up talking about a bad relationship she had had for many years. I could tell it was releasing for her to talk about it, and for me? A clear sign that it isn’t worth staying with someone I’m not happy with. I just knew our paths had crossed to give me the courage to end things (for real this time…), and so that’s just what I did the next day.

Good Omens (for a change...)

At some point in the next few days (damn, it’s all just blurring together during lockdown huh?) my family were having a barbeque. The neighbours cat wandered into our back garden, and I tested the waters by heading over and giving it a pet. To my pleasant surprise, it received me well! Complete turn around from before, so I took it as a good omen. To top it off, another day during this period whilst I was rummaging through a bag of toiletries I had brought home from my boyfriends, guess what I pulled out… one of the feathers from my dream catcher! Elated at a second “life”, some XP, whatever it meant, I symbolically stuck it back on with bluetac. I have to say, seeing two feathers instead of one every morning gives me a weird sense of peace. Girl, dat aura be cleansed. An appropriate song to soundtrack these revelations, as welll as the general vibe for this point in the journey would be “Clearly” by Grace VanderWaal:

“I can see clearly now the rain has gone

I accept all the things that I cannot change

Gone are the dark clouds , the dawn has come

It's gonna be a bright, bright sunshiny day”

The dark clouds around my being had finally gone away. Hurrah! And although our life stories are never really over, the parts worth mentioning for this particular one just about are. As I reflect upon the whole turn around, my fragmented relationship with smoking ending, health related habits changing and mental health improving, I felt I had really just lived through my own stories turning point. Hopefully the last, but in this world who knows… As per usual, a song came to mind, one that I had first heard maybe a few months before, and really loved. “L.E.S Artistes” by Santigold. The lyrics “I can say I hope it will be worth what I give up” had definitely filtered into my subconscious, and were perhaps even part of the seeds which grew to the eventual blooming of this turn around. I actually feel pretty happy, so “it” (being life I guess) definitely was worth what I gave up. Almost as if to confirm this, the first night I sat down to write this piece and had Absolute Radio 80’s (sister station to my fav!) on, the song “Goody Two Shoes” by Adam Ant came on. “You don’t drink, don’t smoke, what you do you do you don’t drink don’t smoke” – hell yeah I don’t Adam xo.

It's Never Really Over (except for now, cya l8r x)

So, that’s all, I hope you enjoyed my story and of course the pretty sick beats that come with it. I also hope that if you are ever facing any life-related trials and tribulations, that the perfect song may fall upon your path to help you through. To close off my playlist (below), I am going to throw in one of my all time favourites: “Brimful of Asha” by Cornershop. Cause really and truly, erbody needs a bosom for a pillow. Peace out homies, may your paths be filled with wonders and epic tunes.