Meet My Austrian Love Doctor

It’s that special season when my professional Austrian Love Doctor (really just author Aldous Huxley in Lolita sunnies) pays me a visit, completely uncalled for. I Insist, says whatever dimension he crawled out of, which I’m guessing must be a blesséd place because though doc’s trade is love, he never nods his head with sham empathy; lectures on about darwinky biomechanics; or spews anything close to TaffyTherapy™ - bloated advice full of nothing but sugar and air.

This Saturday I was at my desk, planning out the 14th, when Ridley Scott’s Alien turned up behind my shoulder: 6’4, hunched and snarling his discothèque smile. I ignore him.

The first encounter was over sixteen years back. Valentine’s was on a school day, so my kindergarten mates and I had a deco party. At the end, we all had paper heart bags full of candy slung around our necks. So much loot we could barely stand straight. Sweet? Well, soon as I stepped out to walk home, the sky turned gray and started crying. My bag disintegrated en route, leaving a candy trail for the kidnappers to follow. When I finally got home empty-handed, Biscoff greeted me at the doorstep, saying something like Ich bin der heimliche Liebhaber deiner Mutter .

Logically, I discounted him as an imaginary friend and tried to move on. But this imaginary friend would appear year after year, reminding me that logic isn’t what we’re made out of.

Bonk! Back to the present: head’s throbbing. Yeah, he totally just threw something at me:

As I try to regain my vision, Biscoff continues spying my notes: "Ahh Fräulein," sounding both sinister and sweet, "still no plans for Valentine's?"

"You know Biscoff," with a tone sounding more like Bisc Off Biscoff, "I realize that you're never really alone," I say not realizing that he didn't even ask. "No matter what happened, everything's still here. This 'whole thing' is more like a single frame in a film - "

Out of nowhere Biscoff’s sunnies started going wild. Usually the lens swirl at an ambient hypnotic pace, but this was a Saturn storm.

“Doctor!”

With a snap! he removed them, and for the first time, looked at me with his surprisingly human eyes. Gentle and gelatinous. Rubbing them in stress, he then said “You’ve been crying Liebling.”

My dry eyeballs looked around, confused.

“The tears are still there.” I knew what he was talking about. He could sniff it a mile away: Heartbreak. No matter how tight-lipped I was, Biscoff was always on the same page. “I wasn’t looking forward to this day, but seems you need a full blitz.” Medically speaking, he meant 'examination.' Being a cosmic demon, the procedure was possession. “Try to stay straight-faced while I’m in there because happy or sad, I’ll feed on that energy and won’t ever want to leave.”

“You’re kiddi-” He suddenly hugged me so tight I thought I was gonna burst. A flash of light and he was in! Woah, being possessed makes you want to pounce on everyone but also protect them as if they were your own babies - what I imagine it must be like to be pregnant. Though, thank God no one else was around because inside Biscoff was screaming his kopf off, cursing each of my beloved. Took him a few minutes to quiet down to a sweet *doctor going about his business* whistle.

Then faintly from inside my body, "Yes, it feels that physiologically, someone has stepped on your heart." He did know what he was talking about. "Have you been eating well?"

"Yeah."

"Exercising?"

"Yeah."

"Drinking enough water?"

"Never."

"Alright, I've seen enough."

When Biscoff exited my body, I apparently knocked out. The following details are blurry on my end, but on Biscoff's account: I woke up crying a day later, on Valentine's. The scene was straight out of Shakespeare.

I crawled onto his lap like I was five years old again, talking about how "I can never be sure when it comes to relationships. Any insight - romantic, logical, or even plain psychic I have to deny because how could I be certain of what would happen exactly? Fate is such a wobbly thing, always changing. Experience inspires a dozen storylines, dreams and nightmares, one after the other like a never-ending saga. All I do is rake through conventions. As far as nature's tide goes, I don't have a single clue."

Trying not to laugh, he patted my bedkopf. "So you must unfold your own myth.ᴿᵁᴹᴵ Like you said, after whatever happened, everything has still remained. Time is a still frame as far as your eye can, needs, and believe it or not, wants to see." He sprung up to his full height, "So let's really mess it up. Schatzi, I'll spend this entire Valentine's with you. Deal?"

Deal.

I didn't know if Biscoff would make a good date, but turns out he's pretty shameless. He made me work out to Girl Power songs, taunting me with sayings i.e. "The ascetic life is a lonely life :3." Made me defrost the liver for dinner, after the Armenian love phrase, "I want to eat your liver." Even forced me to pirate the movies my professor personally recommended to me, all of which for some reason end with the women being dumped. In Nights of Cabiria, Giulietta gets robbed; in The Cranes Are Flying, Veronika's boyfriend doesn't return from the war; and in Nashville, Barbara Jean gets shot on stage.

By the time the last credits rolled, Biscoff was howling, popcorn flying out of his mouth. "He was trying to tell you something."

"I know."

Bonk! The demon threw something at me again. My phone. "It's 3 AM. Get back to your friends. Didn't that Watts man say that the line between brotherly love and sexual love is very fine, hurhurhur? Hold up, let me try something -- "

"Don't."

*ahem*

"Not cool Biscoff."

*grccthhgcch (clearing respiratory tract)*

"Remember what happened with grandpa?"

*licks lips*

"STOP channeling dead souls!"

"... Namah, Alan."

"There are countless associations of people who, claiming to be firm friends, still lack the nerve to represent their affection for each other by physical and erotic contact which might raise friendship to the level of love. Our trouble is that we have ignored and thus feel insecure in the enormous spectrum of love which lies between rather formal friendship and genital sexuality, and thus are always afraid that once we overstep the bounds of formal friendship we must slide inevitably to the extreme of sexual promiscuity, or worse, to homosexuality."

- The Joyous Cosmology (1962)

"Yeah, I think Steven Yuen sums it up best."

After flirting with le friends (not to mention exorcising Watts from doc's body), our Valentine's died down to staring out the window, mainly at the palm trees in the distance. Tall purple shadows now emerging from the dawn fog. Our brains were so zapped (the same feeling you get after an intense workout) that we couldn't think. I suppose they call this 'meditating.'

The sun rose across the neighborhood, the wind picked up, and with it the birds, bees, and humans off to a day's work. I'm sure I'm not the only one whose view out the window countlessly reflects the vague tug that things would be a little more different by now. The morning was actually defiantly typical...

and at that moment, happened to be everything that I wish. When it comes to the matter of relationships, after all the door-slamming drama, the inevitable glassline rifts that tear into family and friends, the tumbling childish conclusions, that gut-eating saga - I l o v e looking at this scene, always there to fall back on like an open palm. Yes, after what happened, everything - home, friends, family, normalcy - is still here. Though, what springs from this calm is the most tempting flirt of all:

I looked over at Biscoff, who was nodding off. I snuck up close and whispered into his ear, "You don't know anything do you?"

Half in a dream, he muttered, “There isn’t any secret formula or method, you learn love by loving - by paying attention and doing what one thereby discovers has to be done.ᴬˡᵈᵒᵘˢ ᴴᵘˣˡᵉʸ”

I love it when he's himself. "In that case may I drug you with music and coffee? Wake up!!"

"Let me sleep, demon."

Like a mom would drape a blanket on her sleeping child, I gently put his Lolita sunnies back on -

"I'M UP." Then looking at me, "Bisc off. I get to pick the music." :

"Wow, you have Spotify?"

"Just click play."

I only made one request: "Anything but more Girl Power songs." It's true Biscoff agreed, self-empowerment can play out like DoubleThink, especially after heartbreak. That genre almost comes off as censored baby food. Not for Valentine's, when singles and couples alike want the most plucked out of their heartstrings.

However, what mood were we going for? Did we want to swoon the hours away, or host a mental boxing match with our exes? Would we spin around the house, or drown in Kleenex? I think most honest people would shrug at these questions - it's music, the high is in swimming along choicelessly. Thus on the question of whether to dote or to dance, Biscoff and I realized we were drunk on words, and that the body is wholly indifferent.

Perhaps not the most kosher advice, but whether you're gonna break it down, or have a break down, just do it with intensity. Mwah.

pour commencer mon amour , to stimulate an appetite for mixed signals

1. We're Good | Dua Lipa (2020)

We're not meant to be like sleeping and cocaine

So let's at least agree to go our separate ways

The song's so upbeat only halfway through did I realize that it's about breaking up. Perhaps the most straightforward, healthy cut a tune could capture. Dua says it herself, "I think the content of the song is really interesting. It's having that amicable breakup that I think everybody kind of wants. It's like that clean break isn't lacking, move on. We're good. You can't be upset if I move on. I can't be upset if you move on" (Alami 2020).

My favorite line follows in stride with the singer's disco theme, mentioning cocaine, the success of which rocketed in the 70s. The drug interrupts the REM sleep, a vital stage associated with learning and dreaming. If that isn't too passional a parallel, go back to the first verse:

I'm on an island, even when we're close.

This reminds me of one of A. Huxley's discoveries: "Embraced, the lovers desperately try to fuse their insulated ecstasies into a single self-transcendence; in vain… Sensations, feelings, insights, fancies—all these are private and, except through symbols and at second hand, incommunicable… every human group is a society of island universes" (The Doors of Perception).

Along with Dua's bolting, which I find a classier, more natural variant of the empowerment strain, the song makes for a clever, curt start to V-day 2021.

2. Goosebumps | Travis Scott ft. Kendrick Lamar (2016)

I get those goosebumps every time, I need the Heimlich

Throw that to the side, yeah

I get those goosebumps every time, yeah

When you're not around

When you throw that to the side, yeah

I get those goosebumps every time

Play this if you want to resurrect dead lovers. It's spooky, and Travis himself admitted that he wrote the song "at one of the darkest times in my life"(Genius). Red flags i.e. "goosebumps" and "Heimlich" can either refer to drugs or a girl, on the sweeter latter side meaning that the haunting infatuation even chokes him up. But don't be too quick to say awww, the girl on the other hand, POV'ed by Kendrick just wants to ease her way to the top:

I want to press my like, yeah, I wanna press my

I want a green light, I wanna be like

I wanna press my line, yeah

I wanna take that ride, yeah

- Kendrick

Drugs or a girl, he needs to get. Out.

3. I Know It's Over | The Smiths (1986)

Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head

And as I climb into an empty bed

Oh well, enough said

Those strums delve into some ashen realm, comforting in its dustiness. Both the message and affect fit the album cover perfectly - the photo is a still from The Unvanquished (L'Insoumis 1964), a film about a French deserter assigned to rescue a woman from terrorist captors. Though I haven't seen it yet, I've a feeling that the story tangles with the lines:

It's so easy to laugh, it's so easy to hate

It takes guts to be gentle and kind

Over, over

Love is natural and real

But not for you, my love

Not tonight, my love

Can't cross my fingers for a lovey dovey ending - it's film noir, and I'm sure that's the final shot up there. Good enough an antidote to Valentine's cheese?

4. Heartbreak Diet | Sälen (2017)

I used to dream of dying

So you would cry at my funeral

All my insides fell out in front of you

In reality, you need to pass away

Going from The Smiths' musically visceral to Sälen's lyrically visceral, this one's a little 😬😬😬 for my palette. So, treat it like you would a teenage drama queen - don't actually listen. The beat, much too pink and cute for talk about mutilation, is super munchable. Note: though, if you are still in your goth phase, go ahead and burn the roses here.

5. How Soon Is Now? | The Smiths (1984)

I am the son

And the heir

Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar

I am the son and heir

Of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth

How can you say

I go about things the wrong way?

I am human and I need to be loved

Just like everybody else does

It's a Smiths sandwich. Their 'most enduring' song is insanely complicated, if you're into the tech, but as far as my expertise goes, it's about lead singer Morrissey's crippling shyness. Perfect for a day about mingling? I'm not sure exactly where in a Valentine's schedule this song would fall - perhaps blast it when you're zzuzzing up to go out/stay in?

6. Tainted Love/Where Did Our Love Go? | Soft Cell (1982)

Baby, baby, where did our love go

Oh, don't you leave me

Don't you leave me no more

Time for the 10 minute dance break. I just adore when this song kicks into Where Did Our Love Go? This second number was originally performed by The Supremes back in the 60s. Lucky for Biscoff, they even recorded a German version - Baby, Baby, Wo Ist Unsere Liebe?

7. Good Days | SZA (2020)

I still wanna try, still believe in

Good days, good days, always

[...]

Half of us layin' waste to our youth, it's in the present

Half of us chasin' fountains of youth and it's in the present now

A must for anyone who actually has gone through a breakup recently. It's hard when the mind turns into a pinball machine, you the ball slinging around from one memory to the next. It's in times like this you need to take a walk, and if you can't get out, escape via sound streams. "Good Days" sounds like a walk through one of those haven-for-kids parks on a crystal clear day. Even if you lapse back to darker times, SZA reminds you that there's still sunlight coursing through your blood.

The aperitifs served up some stimulus, some breathers. Fingers crossed that these picks will vivify your Valentine's. Speaking of which, I do hope you give back, as I'll be doing now because

i won't not lie. cupid has struck me with more than enough arrows

This girl has a voice so sweet that underlying in anything she says is a "How are you, really?" I can count on her for any situation, from hormonal to paranormal. Shout out to that first time I truly thought the aforementioned, "You're never really alone." Soon as it came to mind, as if on cue, my phone dings: this angel hath responded.

Later that night, I ask her if she believes in signs behind strange numbers on the clock, and she brings up the subject of twin flames (ooo romantic, but I'd contest it, as you know I always plead ignorance to spiritual 'concept'). Despite my skepticism, right as we're texting, the time turns to 11:11 and all the lights in my house go out (so did my phone, but that's on me for never charging it). Well, I do feel alone now. Not to mention spooked. Thankfully, once phone lit back, Celena was there to make sure I hadn't been kidnapped.

To this beaut I dedicate:

8. Mon Amie La Rose | Françoise Hardy (1964)

After your budding record collection, vintage style, and Paris adventures, I hope this piece from madame Françoise Hardy will suit you well. It's very mystérieuse, this tale about mon amie la rose - my friend, the rose. That's you!

A life time comes and goes..

And my friend the rose

Told me this morning

At dawn I was born

Baptized with the dew

I blossomed

Happy and in love

The sun shined through

And by the night time I was old...

I have to thank at least half of my taste in music to my older brother (and maybe a worrisome percentage of my personality too). Did you know that this guy got me a Valentine's card last year? He made me go check the mail and waited for the surprise to set in - "Alan, somehow this makes it worse."

"It's a Jacaranda tree," he replied, referring to the pretty pop-up inside. I felt both depressed and elated, so thanks for grooming a maniac (though really, thank you for the card ❤️).

Perhaps then, this is a predictable choice for an unpredictable man:

9. Ride | Lana Del Rey (2012)

He made me fall in love with the modern starlet, waking me up to his blasting West Coast, Brooklyn Baby, and Born to Die. More than anything, I've loved our drives set to Lana, or actually any song for that matter, as I've spent much of my life in his passenger seat. ("Perpetually Driving," reads his Skype bio.)

On that note, Ride feels like a never-ending song, reminding me of how we've always been tagged to each other. From the time when we were kids and, given our household circumstances, sometimes had to run away from home - to getting older, getting licenses, and taking me on late night drives against mom's wishes (don't worry, she always found out). Thanks for the ride.

I hear the birds on the summer breeze

I drive fast, I am alone at midnight

Been trying hard not to get into trouble

But I, I've got a war in my mind

So, I just ride, just ride

I just ride, I just ride

Meet the latest edition to our family: Lepp, short for Leopard, short for Weerahannaddi'ge Leopard Kottiya Baba Fernando.

Last month, Alan came home with a meowing box, to which I said, "No no no no no." I didn't ask for this (and now that I think of it, my brother's been on a weird streak, bringing increasingly larger animals into the house - you can read about my late fish here). Here's the thing - everyone has a cat, cats are basic, and besides, Colin (the hamster) would have to fend for his life now. "I can't."

Three minutes later I was clearing out space in my room for the baby. I love her. That's it. There was never any helping that, huh?

She's 4 months old, extremely vocal, and enjoys tearing off my limbs in the morning. Thank you for the sniff kisses, the love bites, the middle-of-night scares with your tiny paw pattering making me think that Chucky's in the house. Mwah!

"Cats are basic?" Ha! You're undoubtedly one of the best things to have come into my life. I know you prefer vintage Cantonese pop, but I hope this'll do:

10. Lolita Ya Ya | Nelson Riddle (1962)

YA YA

YA YA YA YA YA YAA

YA YA YA YA YA YAA

YA YA YA YAAA

Not sure why Stanley Kubrick's Lolita was the first film I decided to watch with baby Lepp. Thankfully, she spent most of the film staring away at that 'thing' running on the wheel (Colin, train hard). The theme, however, stuck. I usually blast it in the morning when I have to chase her around.

Neither of you watch Bollywood, so:

11. Aati Kya Khandala | Aamir Khan & Alka Yagnik (1998)

Aye, what do you say?

Aye, what should I say?

Listen, tell me

Do you want to go to Khandala?

What will we do in Khandala?

We'll roam around, dance, sing

And we'll have a great time, what else?

That's how my dad dances and that's how my mom laughs. Mom, dad, of course I love you - that's plain biology. One thing though - why never tell me exactly how you met and fell in love? I've had to use my whack imagination to fill in the details. Was there a dance number involved? There is now.

I half chose this song because, when I was 9, my mom told me stop watching romantic Bollywood movies - "That's not how the real world works." The other half is an apology to dad: around that same time, I had to complete an art project for school featuring photos of family and friends. I couldn't find one of you, so I used a picture of vintage Aamir Khan instead. Mwah.

In all seriousness though, I hope the message that I truly do bow to my parents isn't lost in here. Mom, thank you for waking up at 4 in the morning everyday to go to work as an essential worker, helping keep both the world and family running. And dad (whom I haven't seen in over a decade), I hope to see you sometime soon, but for now, keep sending me your own songs! Music makes up for time and distance.

Invisible People is a Youtube channel that documents the real lives of homeless people around the country. I was introduced via my brother during a conversation about the Buddha's life as a speaker. We were wondering who else talks with unrehearsed honesty and integrity, so that what comes out is the truth, as crux as any truth with a capital T that the 'spiritualists' tout? Then, he pulled up Mark:

"You are not here to be loved, comforted, or understood. You were put here to love, comfort, and understand."

Need I add? For Mark and anyone else 'invisible':

12. Like Someone In Love | Björk (1993)

The track was recorded in the middle of a street, hence the organic flux in the background. The lyrics are a pure and simple poem sung through Björk's babyesque, guttural voice. Overall, this cloud of a song makes me wish everyone realized that paradise is already here.

Lately

I seem to walk as though I have wings

Bump into things

Like someone in love...

Lastly, to round out our dance'n'dote, picks from my personal

13. Lovefool (Acoustic) | The Cardigans (1996)

As the story goes in an earlier playlist post, the original nautical "Lovefool" was my first favorite song. I spent many an afternoon singing along as a kid. Then,

"Ten years later, my favorite song took on a whole new meaning. I was dealing with my first heartbreak, and was a bundle of foreign emotions when I discovered this acoustic rendition. The familiar melody was comforting, as was Nina Persson’s whispery singing, 'Reason will not reach a solution, I will end up lost in confusion.' I’d never actually paid mind to the lyrics. What was originally cutesy, childlike pining was now a love letter across time."

- Scattered Energy

*Note: this track is not on the Spotify playlist; can only be found on Youtube

14. Running | No Doubt (2001)

The song's nintendo beat automatically invokes nostalgia. Though technically a love letter, I've placed it in this list because it has an air of temporariness, questioning whether these old, playground romances could be carried into an uncertain future.

Running, running, as fast as we can

Do you think we’ll make it?

We’re running, keep holding my hand

So we don’t get separated

The song doesn't remind me of any particular person, but rather a scrapbook of all the faces that've ever graced me: friends, schoool mates, coworkers, and people in town - all a part of this running timeline.

15. When You're Gone | The Cranberries (1996)

I first heard this song when waking up one morning. Dolores' lullaby (do-be-da, do-be-da ) thus brought that solemn-sweet feeling from my dreams out into the day. The melody feels illusive, unreal, as do many tracks by the Cranberries.

Hold onto my hands

I feel I'm sinking

Sinking without you

As far as I know, no other song captures the feeling of departure so precisely. Perhaps listening will result in some good tears, managing to bring back the perfume of a specific someone you truly miss this Valentine's.

16. Say It | Maggie Rogers (2019)

I knew it when you looked my way

That I'd be begging you to stay

I couldn't say it to myself

When the chorus takes over and Maggie's earthly voice goes ethereal, imagination transports me to a bustling, colorful crowd. I'm bee-lining, catching as many distinct faces as I can. In that sense, to lovers past, present, and future - the ones who don't have any clue because I couldn't make it clear, here.

17. Love on the Brain | Rihanna (2016)

The doo-wop pace makes this track perfect for one last waltz to end Valentine's night. Its story is a double-edged sword - is the love Rihanna's on about intoxicating, or toxic?

Must be love on the brain

And it keeps cursing my name

No matter what I do

I’m no good without you

And I can’t get enough...

There you are, mon amour. We've devoured our aperitifs, performed serenades, and indulged on some chocolate. And yet, playlists end but feelings still linger. Therefore,

One last question.

"Biscoff, you've always said that the only schooling needed to become a professional love doctor like you is to see yourself in other people. You once said that 'other people' don't even exist. So say I do meet someone. Is there actually 'anyone else' to know and fall in love with?"

Gravely, he shakes his head. "But!" Eyes lighting up, "If that actually made sense to you, you'd go out and meet everyone there is."

"There's a pandemic."

"Don't worry about a go-getter chase, it's always in the works."

"'It?' Are you talking about Karma?"

"Vishva Karma (gravity-fate). The occurrences here on Earth are not the only force, all of space is in operation! That Love will always run in care of you."

"You' as in the Over Soul?"

"No you, little bud."