Life Songs

My life soundtrack…where do we start? Well let’s start at the beginning—childhood! I was born into a great family. My dad went to work and my mom stayed home to take care of the kids. There were four of us and we were your typical 1980s American children who loved to play outside and watch Saturday morning cartoons. That brings us to my first song…and one of the all time greatest cartoons.

The Flintstones was the first primetime animated show on TV until 1997 and I was one of millions happily watching. I didn’t have any worries in the world. I was protected, cared for and loved.

As I neared my teen years, I like most teeny boppers began to struggle with my identity. I wondered about who I was, what I was good at and what I was made for. I think we all search for a purpose and I was definitely searching. I definitely felt like Maribel from Encanto. I was surrounded by siblings that seem to shine in specific talents and ways. My twin sister was a great tennis player super athletic and knew as a freshman in high school she would land a full-ride scholarship. The younger of my two brothers was an entrepreneur. He had started his own lawn care business, then a video production company, and traveled speaking to youth groups around our state. The older brother was a technology genius and in college pursuing his career. Then there was me…not “great” at anything. Don’t get me wrong I was good at many things but felt like Maribel—I wanted a Miracle.

This led to a period of depression and vulnerability in my life. I began to stuff the pain. The more isolated I became the more vulnerable I became. Eventually I fell victim to sexual abuse. I didn’t know how to talk about my feelings to anyone, I didn’t know who I could trust. I was locked into a repetitive cycle and an easy target for someone to take advantage of. All of this led to a very confusing time in my life. I started using self-injury to cope with the pain of such strong emotions, and intense pressure. I was dealing with a situation I thought I couldn’t change. I was desperate for relief and the only relief I could seem to get was through seeing how much physical pain I could endure. That made me tough and I was back in “control”. I remember nights when my father would say the littlest thing to me and I would burst into tears, lash out at him and run to my room. He would come to my room and hold me as I cried so hard I would be hyper-ventilating. “Breathe with me he would say” and he would ask questions trying to get me to open up and talk about what was going on in my life. I couldn’t though, I couldn’t put them through the pain, I couldn’t put anyone else for that matter through the pain. No one needed to experience it…it would be buried in me.

I remember being in my youth group and our youth pastors taking us to Night of Joy at Disney. We had made our way to a stage concert with this group called Plumb performing. As I stood in the crowd the lead singer began to talk about this song and why she wrote it. Tears began to stream down my face and I just closed my eyes and let her sing over me. That night something changed. I bought the CD and would listen to the song anytime I felt trapped. I was back in control, and I was able to fight for myself. Complete healing would take a lifetime but I was on that journey.

From there I found a purpose. I began to work with children. I felt a call to teach, protect and empower them. I became a children’s pastor at 16, started dual enrollment college classes and went on to get a degree in elementary education to start equipping the next generation. They may know pain, I might not be able to stop it but I would introduce them to the one that could hold them and heal them when no one else could.

During this time period I met my husband too. He grew up in church with me (although he is 5 years older). We started singing together and our relationship took off from there. Although it wasn’t easy. He was 21 and I was 16…that didn’t go over too well with my older brothers or my dad. Stephen definitely had to prove himself over the next 3 years before we would decide to tie the knot. He fought for and with me and we made vows to fight for the rest of our lives together. Maybe the wrong vows to make lol… because we’ve done a whole lot of fighting not just each other 😜 but in life.

We were married six months when I was diagnosed with cancer. I felt fine and we were living the life…but I had a lymph node swell on the left side of my neck. After going to several doctors and many second opinions… a biopsy and several procedures were scheduled and we found out I had nasopharyngeal carcinoma a very rare cancer.

However, they day we got the diagnosis I’ll never forget walking to the car and Stephen opening the Bible. After the doctors had told Stephen and I the treatment plan, the cure rate and that we may never have children. Stephen opened the Bible and read me a verse he had been reading for a month. Psalms 41 says “Blessed are those who have regard for the weak; the Lord delivers them in times of trouble. The Lord protects and preserves them— they are counted among the blessed in the land— he does not give them over to the desire of their foes. The Lord sustains them on their sickbed and restores them from their bed of illness.” Stephen looked at me and said “Natalie if anyone has eyes for the weak it’s you…you work with kids and they are the weakest.” We knew in that moment God was bigger and was going to be with us and bring the healing I needed. Don’t get me wrong we had bad days, I went through chemo and radiation for almost a year. I was in my senior year of college and we were newlyweds. It wasn’t easy but He was there every step of the way. I graduated and started teaching months after finishing treatment.

A couple years later my husband and I moved to South Carolina. We took jobs as pastors and started our own little family. We had not one, but four handsome healthy boys and 2 miscarriages. Then finally had a little princess. That was a journey in itself— and I wrote a book to tell that story. All I can say is wherever God leads you, He won’t leave you. We were searching for our promised land and we will never stop resounding the faithfulness of our Heavenly Father for leading us to it.

We are now back home in Florida where both of us grew up. We are raising five amazing kids, teaching school, helping my amazing parents and just trying to make a difference in the lives of the people we meet. Over the past 22 years together we have faced the fear of death and cancer. We’ve battled doubt and wondering if God would do the things He had said he would. We’ve been through the pressures of life, kids, jobs, financial burdens, and all the other things we all experience in our daily journeys. We know the grief of losing… losing loved ones, losing friends, and letting go of things we loved—that sorrow is real. I would never say we’ve mastered it all…or that we will never experience those things again. However I can say that through it all we have learned and are still learning how to tie ourselves to joy, and we are committed to working to keep Joy at the forefront of our lives. That’s all we can do.