If I Die Before I Wake

A little while ago, Vocal created a challenge to include playlists inside your work. You could enter for a chance for 1,000 dollars as a grand prize. Like most things in my life, I saw it right after it had been closed. Though I would not have the chance to enter it in the first place because it was Vocal+ exclusive, I might have signed up just to write this.

I have well-documented one of my near-death experiences (see "To The Man Who Almost Killed Me"), but I have not completely written about my coping mechanisms for dealing with two armed robberies. One of them came to me after hearing "Go Rest High on That Mountain" by Vince Gill. If you've never heard this song, it is classified as a eulogic ballad meaning it works as a tribute to someone no longer living. Oh, and it does work as one. It has played at pretty much every funeral since it was released in 1995 and a lot of the ones I have attended. Including (but not limited to...) my former step-grandpa, Lonnie, my friend's grandpa (RIP Jack), my neighbor/best friend's Dad/ one of the best guys you would ever meet, etc. It's gotten to the point of being an immediate ugly cry song as just hearing the opening chords can cause a breakdown. But it did get me to thinking about what I would want to play at my own funeral and since my own funeral had almost taken place the same year as one of these deaths, it seemed to be a morbid way to deal. So was born one of my weirdest coping mechanisms: designing my funeral playlist.

I started by thinking about how I would like to start. It is a funeral so sad. I should repeat that this list was started around 2010 and so one of my favorite sad songs has to be on the list. It's "Shadow of the Day" by Linkin Park, the song is a melancholic melody with dark lyrics. Many interpretations of the song exist, but I've always interpreted it as someone dying ( Lyrics state "In cards and flowers on your window ; Your friends all plead for you to stay; Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple; Sometimes goodbye's the only way, oh, oh) and leaving behind their loved ones as we are all to do one day. The song really resonates now as Chester Bennington, leader singer of Linkin Park, committed suicide in July 2017. Having grown up (or at least from age 12 and up) listening to Linkin Park, the idea of someone as beloved as Chester taking his life broke a lot of hearts. The subject matter of Bennington's music had always been about rather dark, but not always in an indicative way. Rather in a more hopeful way, like yeah, I'm hurt, but I'll get by. (If you or anyone you know feel like taking your own life, please get help. 988 is a good resource as well as many other resources we have online nowadays).

The second song was one I have always loved and was immediately placed on the playlist was "It's So Hard to Say Goodbye" by Boyz II Men. This is not their original song, but a cover of a song originally written for the 1975 movie Cooley High, which focused on a predominantly black school and the emotions they experienced graduating and going out in the world. The original verison was sung by G.C. Cameron, who was a member of The Spinners before the group left Motown records and he stayed with the label as a solo artist. The version I always heard and loved was sung in 1991 and has more a smooth yet haunting refrain. While it's not as depressing as "Shadow" in lyrics, the song softens the blow of its words by adding in a R&B style and doesn't specifically mention of the end of life (And I'll take with me the memories ; To be my sunshine after the rain ;It's so hard to say goodbye ;To yesterday), just the memories one can take after a loved one dies (or in its original intention, one can take after leaving the life of another). Another bonus to this song was it was in an episode of Psych (Season 4, episode 7; "High Top, Fade Out"; also starring Kenan Thompson of Kenan and Kel and Jaleel White aka Urkel from Family Matters)

The third is a theme song of sorts called "Imaginary" by Evanescence. The lyrics tell the tale of a narrator who is constantly daydreaming and whose imagination can be an escape and a hindrance. (Don't say I'm out of touch ; With this rampant chaos - your reality ; I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge ; The nightmare I built my own world to escape). So yeah basically me and probably every other "I'm not like other girls" bookworm/poet and author wannabe. But the imagery and emotions behind this story very much reflect our own. Were it easy to be imaginative in a world where people tell tall tales and hide secrets, Disney wouldn't be remaking so many cartoons as live-action. But it's not and we share with empathy with a person as imaginary as the song's title indicates. Should it be a funeral song? Well, maybe not. Yes, it is a sad, emotional song, but aren't pretty much all of Evanescence's first album? Amy Lee's gorgeous voice lends to the theme of the end, but also reminds people of how I was as a living person and how creativity can be one of my better traits.

The next one will not be named, but....

... enjoy.

The last one that has been on the playlist since near the beginning will probably be no surprise. It is the most upbeat song by a mile on this list and in its own way, a beautiful end to what was essentially a beautiful life. "It's My Life" by Bon Jovi. The chorus states:

It's my life, it's now or never

I ain't gonna live forever

I just want to live while I'm alive

(It's my life) My heart is like an open highway

Like Frankie said, "I did it my way"

I just wanna live while I'm alive

It's my life

If you're thinking this isn't a funeral song, you're right. It's about living while you can until you can't anymore. It's about taking risks and remembering all life has to give. In times of grief and tragedy, it's easy to forget to live, only saying that you will, but making some excuse for why not. I use this song as a reminder of that in my life and in death, I want to pass it along as my final advice to the people I love and even the ones I vaguely like. It's the final word after I've stopped being able to say anything. It's my voice when the world finally shuts me up.

Death is as natural as living and more natural than taxes. It's guaranteed, but the when is not always clear. I've always taken solace in the end, but it does not negate the in-between. If I live another day, I'm happy. If I die before I wake, well it's my time and I'm not leaving any regrets. My life has not been unlived, it has been full of love and laughter as well as heartache and heartbreak.

I've had guns to head, a knife to the butt (long story), and the wreckage reminding me that I trusted my instincts in the nick of time. On the other hand, they're not as powerful as the first time my husband said he loved me, playing music with my parents, hanging with family and friends, or even laughing with the coworkers. I can always say I never did this or that, but I have done that or this. I can dwell on the negative or focus on the positive or what I realistically do, is mix the two. It's not all good, it's not all bad, but it's all life.