Finding Myself While "Confidently Lost"

Have you ever felt vibrations while you're listening to one of your favorite songs? It sends a pulse through your body, and whatever feeling it brings, you feel it so intensely! I remember the first time I heard "my song". It was almost instantly when I decided to inhale self assurance, persistence, and joy and then exhale doubt, unwarranted criticism, and fear of falling face first on the pavement of life. People told me that turning 30 would yield that very moment. They weren't wrong. Three decades on this earth was symbolic for me. Symbolic of resilience. I had a surge of confidence upon the very first utterance of "Happy Birthday."

Now, I'm always in search of a song for every occasion. I live and breathe music. I wondered to myself what my "theme song" to this time period would be, as I'm often looking for one.

When I heard the ethereal melodies of Sabrina Claudio while listening to a random playlist that I created, I knew that she was speaking to a part of my soul that longed to take over in my life. "I'm alone, but I'm not lonely. Comfortably indulging. And trying to get to know me." Okay, okay. I'm listening. "I'm just an outline of what I used to be. Constantly evolving. Steadily revolving." There it was. That's the one. Instant favorite.

Not to harp on pain, but I'm one who truly knows loss. I've lost my father, my aunt, both grandmothers, friends, a relationship, confidence, and a tiny piece of my sanity. To top it off, I lost the true essence of myself trying to please others. I even lost direction, drive, and purpose at one point. But now, I was starting to see the light. A transcendent light that was created through the sounds of Sabrina.

She had no clue, but she wrote "Confidently Lost" just for me. It was a pivotal time in my life. Heartbreak created the deepest pain, and she helped save me from me. I discovered this song a few months before my boyfriend of seven years and father to my children decided he no longer wanted me. I didn't know how bad I would need it then. I had wrapped my whole life around him and his needs. I was so dependent and needy, and I never knew that one day, I would have to learn how to live without him. I did not think I would be able to move on. To make matters worse, rejection started to become all too familiar to me because I was denied other opportunities. I decided to just keep myself busy and wait on my moment.

I didn't know what that moment would look like, but on May 22, it revealed itself to me ever so clearly. That aha moment. I thought to myself, no, you don't have to tolerate the condescension of others. You can ask people, "What do you mean?" when they're being passive aggressive. Stop believing in the dreams of others more than your own. All of the love you give others, give to yourself. You deserve to be in every room that you're in. Stand tall...well, metaphorically tall. (I'm only 5'3"). Again, believe in yourself. It's okay to be a little lost. The world as you knew it just ended, but a new one can begin for you. Regret nothing. "Thinking about where I've gone, where I'm going, and I wouldn't change it for the world." That's right, Sabrina.

"Confidently Lost" connects so well to a wandering soul like mine. I just don't wander too far. I stay grounded in love and faith. It reminds me to be mindful of what's around me and to accept all that is within me. Every bit of it. I no longer have to answer to what others think about me. All that I've lost, I will gain back in a different way and in a positive light. I'm worthy of all the good that I'm manifesting. Every time I sing it or just think of the lyrics, I am overwhelmed with joy and I feel those exuberant vibrations as I realize how far I've come and how magnificent 30 is to me. I can allow myself to be vulnerable. It signifies strength, not weakness. It keeps me honest. I've tapped into my curiosity about the world and my confidence in knowing that even if I fail at whatever I try, that's nobody's business but my own. I'm empowered to even try in the first place. The high and low tides of healing shape me into who I am. I am confidently lost.

This song truly speaks to the fighter and survivor in me. Even when I'm 80, I won't forget what 30 did. "I wouldn't change it....for anything."