Fade Away

It's been quiet the year hasn't it? The last thing I wanna do is think at this point. Content may be king but it is destroying my nervous system, manipulating my perception of reality, and dimming my light. The only remedy that truly allows me to slip into that meditative state we all secretly long for besides: nature, movement & breath, and peace & quiet, is Music.

In this thought experiment, I will present some micro and macro themes I have been experiencing and observing leading up to 2021, and discuss how music is assisting our evolutionary process both collectively and individually. Don't worry baby, I got you. In closing, you will notice that I have embedded a carefully curated playlist of diamonds, gold and rubies to help you emerge from the density by integrating some of the fragmented aspects of yourself you just can't seem to call back home.

Self-Individuation

I feel that we are currently stationed at a particularly pungent axis point in The Self Esteem Movement. We are transitioning out of enmeshment and into interdependence. We are beginning to honor the Self as a part of the Collective. In order to honor the Self we must have a Self. The wise proverb "know thyself" comes to mind. The following questions loom: How can I honor the Self if I don't have one? How can I know myself when I am constantly bombarded by the opinions of others? How can I know who I am when I am in constant fear of being ridiculed, shamed, judged, and abandoned?

This year feels like rock bottom. Perhaps we are reaching that point of the regenerative cycle where we are being completely stripped of all the enabling elements, and left no choice but to call a thing a thing. Nudity, while considered taboo in certain circumstances, has it's place. Being naked is an intimate act of vulnerability that reveals the authentic self along with our choices, beliefs, behaviors, and more. I love being naked. I consider myself a house stripper. I may not do it for the gram, but I most certainly do it for myself and my man. Being naked is freeing and feels like an act of holiness. I love the contrasting qualities of my body. Feminine and soft, yet strong and functional. Curvy and full, yet toned and lean. I love my beauty marks and freckles. I love my skin and teeth. I love my feet. I love my face. I love the flexibility of my hips and the hairs that line my arms. I have been in a long recovery process of coming into balance after being hit by a car years ago. I have experienced so many emotions and states of consciousness along this journey: shame, guilt, regret, frustration, anger, irritation, jealousy, unworthiness, ingratitude, and entitlement to name a few. I judge and analyze my body frequently, but today I am in love. This journey to wholeness has taught me so much about accepting myself as I am, and being grateful for my abundant nature. Recovery is challenging and requires surrender, vulnerability, truth and acceptance. It took me a while to even allow myself to be vulnerable enough to share my journey with others because I was so entrenched in guilt, shame, depression, fear, despair, regret, unworthiness, anger and on and on.

Why are we so afraid to be authentic? Many of us who are on the path are well versed in the concept that fear of abandonment stems from the deep seeded core wound of unworthiness. Scarcity rears it's ugly head again! Yes, awareness is the first step; however, after identifying the root of the issue, we need skills to be able to maneuver from this more integrated state of consciousness. Without skills, we are left treading water in the depths of our shadows, where ancient beings glide effortlessly beneath.

So I pose the question differently: Why is it so hard to be authentic?

1. We don't know who and we don't know how. It sounds so simple right? Just be yourself. How the fuck can I just be myself when I am constantly evolving and growing? How can I be myself when I am still processing past trauma and experiencing new trauma? How can I just be myself when I don't know where I end and the other begins? Part of maturity is learning how to process our emotional experience effectively. This requires awareness and the ability to know and understand what we are feeling. Once we develop those foundations, it is important for us to create and maintain boundaries: mental, emotional, physical, financial, informational, energetic, sexual etc... This requires an understanding of how to communicate effectively and how to bang on people politely (be assertive). Okay, so far we have awareness, emotional intelligence (eq), emotional integration, coping skills, boundaries and effective communication. Well damn, those are a lot of skills to learn and practice. I'll get on it.

2. If we are lacking the skills to maneuver in an upgraded version of self, or simply practicing in this new pair of shoes, we become afraid of the unknown because we are not confident in our newly founded abilities and what may occur when we flex them. We fear that we will fail or be rejected, which just reiterates how unworthy we feel and proves how unworthy we believe we are. Then when we actually go out there and present this new self to the world, negative feedback makes us want to run back to the old and familiar, but outgrown and limiting version of self.

3. Authenticity forces us to take accountability. No more bells, no more whistles honey: this shit ain't working. Being accountable takes work and we are m.fking tired! The thing is, discipline comes from motivation. What do you see for yourself? What do you want? What is your goal? What is your motivation? Why? Start there. The only way out is in, my baby. Going within consistently while the world promotes going without takes discipline and accountability. You gotta want this shit. Every.single.day.

4. Autonomy & self validation go against the grain of the current paradigm, therefore it is uncomfortable because once you decide to be an autonomous individual and validate yourself, you will experience constant resistance until you reach a point of critical mass. Algorithms, while they may have initially been created to make things run more smoothly and simply are proving to be rather dangerous, as clearly demonstrated in the Social Dilemma. It is becoming clearer that autonomy is the only way at this point. We have to hold ourselves accountable individually. How can I expect someone to save me when I won't even save my damn self? I cannot afford to leave my life and attention in the hands of something outside of myself. In order to shift out of codependency (victimhood) we first must become independent. That's right baby, we have to each be able to stand on our own two feet first. Once you can stand up, then you can start to dance. Think about it: if I'm not right, what can I do for you? Nann nothin. It is only once I am actually a whole, balanced and individualized person that I can fluidly function on purpose. Why? Because that is the real, raw me; the purest essence. The me that stands in the Center and throws with both hands. Trust me, I love bells and whistles, but so does the court jester. Foundational essence before trimmings. Stand Up first, then walk it out.

We have been living in Separation Consciousness, and functioning in narcissistic micro and macro systems that play out in all aspects of life, whether it be language, religion, politics, economics, family systems, education, "race" relations, and so on. These systems are extremely polarizing and divisive, and facilitate controlled opposition.

More and more I see people talking about narcissism, CPTSD, and authenticity.

Western society functions in a dualistic system of: coddle, idolize, pedestalize vs. judge, shame, guilt, abandon. Can there be no in between? Can't two things be true at once? Can't we just be acquaintances? Can't I just think you cute? Do we have to get married and divorced? Like damn, can I just be?

We see this in cancel culture, where people identify a fragmented aspect of the Self in an another, and find relief in flocking together to shame and judge the individual in the spotlight. The fearful and dualistic nature of this is ever evident: hiding in the pews, kee-ing and cackling in delight that it's not them, while praying to God that it never will be. These are the exact systems that keep us enmeshed, and prevent us from being able to individualize ourselves. We fear revealing our authentic raw selves because if we are criticized shamed, devalued, and then abandoned, this just reinforces the limiting belief that we are unworthy. Ah, the "not enough" wound festers on. More scarcity (lol - duality strikes again!).

Though society paints the empath as the victim and the narcissist as the villain, they are truly the same thing, they just live at opposing ends of the spectrum and vacillate between tyrannical and victimizing positions, both in passive and active ways. If we take a closer look, we will really see that neither have developed their true authentic Self, and are projecting their masks onto the other in a means to gain a Self. The clinging comes from a weak foundation and lack of Self.

Linear systems do not provide us with the space or tools to nurture and develop our true selves because they are polarizing in nature. It wasn't until I was homeless last year and completely stripped of external stability that I understood exactly how God and the Devil are the same thing. I am becoming more integrated and accepting that linearity is just 1 axis that connects 2 degrees of the 360 degree circle.

The only way to the Self is to silence the noise and connect with the song of your spirit. Solid headphones and a regular breath practice can be paramount here, along with some of the Self-development skills mentioned above.

Calibration & Balance

Life exists on a spectrum of highs, lows, mids and everything in between. The more centered and integrated I become, the more I am able to enjoy the versatile colors and textures of life's fabric, while recalibrating my nervous system and healing from: CPTSD, sensory overload, overworking myself, an unnecessarily high information diet, and physical injuries I have sustained along the way.

This playlist allows me to relax and connect to my spirit and then move and rest as needed. This way I am behaving from a more authentic place of abundance and balance, instead of a frantic, hyper-active/reactive nervous system, or a place of unworthiness.

Channeling the spirit

Music is a conversation with the Muses. Whether I find myself consuming music or creating music, there is a key moment where I shift into that space of Union, which allows me to cease logical thought while still functioning. This enables me to engage with the muses and channel the momentary experience we are trying to communicate into form.

I remember listening to Khruangbin's "One to Remember" in June of 2020 while training at my gym in Miami. As the drums and guitar began to trickle through my headphones, I was immediately teleported to a potential reality, where I was tending to the plants surrounding my dwelling nestled deeply in the Amazonian Rainforest in Brasil. My body was in Miami, while my spirit was in Brasil, co-existing and communicating effortlessly. This is an example of excellent reciprocal channeling both on the end of the musician and the consumer, where the conversation is flowing in balance and the communication is clear and functional. Not static.

There is music that programs messages into the subconscious and there is music that reveals programs that are deeply embedded into the subconscious. The more balanced I become, the more I find myself enjoying both input and output. I used to want to be heard so badly, now I just wanna breathe and listen.

When listening to this playlist, some words that are pulled out of my subconscious well are: Balance, Union, Integration, Presence, Power, Stability, Reflection, Allowance, Reception, Flow, Movement, Truth, Revelation, Healing, Sexuality, Femininity, Blossom, Freedom, Peace, Gratitude, Love, Release.

I am a multi-dimensional, multi-cultural & multi-lingual human. After the accident, I suffered a head & back injury among other things. This past year specifically, I am finding it more and more challenging to speak English, even though it is my first language. I could be a motor issue, postural imbalance, or I could just be mentally burnt out and emotionally exhausted like many of us, however I can't help but shake the notion that the linear, dualistic, practical and literal nature of de facto Common American English requires an excessive amount of mental energy in order to be able to speak it "properly". It feels disconnected from Spirit. My tongue feels trapped and my mind fatigued. I used to feel that the physical realm was a metaphoric representation of the spiritual realm, but these days I am starting to realize that may just be how my mind perceives it, perhaps through the mental lens of duality, and then communicated through the linearity of de facto Common American English. Do other languages and forms of communication honor the spiritual realm? If so, are these languages and forms of communication more cyclical in nature?

On social media specifically, I feel like the argumentative nature of de facto Common American English is being highly weaponized and used as a tool to engage in psychological warfare with the intent to divide and conquer, and slaughter the remaining or budding self-esteem and autonomy that we have been working so hard to preserve or cultivate both individually and collectively.

There is a richness in non-verbal communication. Verbal language may only account for 45% of daily communication . Our nonverbal sensors are powerful and well tuned thanks to generations of evolution. Body language alone is enough to portray emotion. The subconscious mind communicates through imagery. Written communication without these elements (body language, imagery, intonation and pitch, etc.) can be easily misunderstood. If conscious thought (critical, intellectual, logical, analytical) only makes up 10% of the mind, then why do we insist on engaging in dualistic duels with each other? I thought we were tired? What are we trying to prove; how limited our thinking is or how underdeveloped out skillsets are? The more we project judgement, criticism and shame, the more we reveal our own personal fragmentation and the distortion of our own individual lenses. Every.single.word.

Why are we able to listen to music in other languages that we do not speak or understand, but still able to understand the sentiment of the song? Is music a cyclical form of communication? Does music facilitate Unity Consciousness?

In the words of the Great Erykah Badu "I been all around the world and everyone bows their head to the kick and the snare." What is it about music the brings us into our true essence? Why do we bow to music?

Elements

Music is all about how you whip the elements: Ether, Fire, Water, Air, Earth. I love watery flows, spacious and airy samples, the fiery cracks of the snare and sparkling chirps of the hats, all grounded with a heavy low end. Amidst the sonic terrain, the Spirit appears and dances in the environment it asked you to create for it. The spirit rains through your channel, speaking through your breath. The beautiful act of co-creation: the Divine conversation between you and you.

I like Music that gets my pussy wet, Music that allows me to feel free, Music that raises the hair on the back of my neck, Music that sends chills through my spine, Music that removes me from conscious thought, and only pulls me back in to appreciate clever, ingenious lyric writing, while dopamine explodes from my neural synapses with complete astonishment at how perfect the Universe is. Music that allows me hear the provocative whispers of my spirit while it dances through my being. Music that takes me there.

Music does not fold in the face of intellect. Music does what it does while intellect stands back trying to understand it. Music is vastly ever expanding and cannot be contained. Period.

Colors & Textures Paint the Picture

Take Nobody's Favorite by Rick Ross and Gunplay. The church bells casually sound at dusk, alarming the civilians that they must go inside because danger is afoot. It feels like we are amidst the transitional point between daytime and darkness. Deep purple, blue, green and black hues begin to seep out of the speakers. The grim haziness irrefutably suggests that death is lurking nearby, laughing and taunting us with its eery presence. There is an unsettling feeling of not knowing where it is at, and who it will touch next.

The kick slaps, signaling that it's time to move. This is mission music. The snares are keeping us focused and on our toes with their tight meter. The hats are rolling like the forgies on Rozay's whip. Together, the hats and claps feel like a money counter rapidly cycling through 100's, without missing a single note. The simple delay adds a watery touch. We are in deep.

Cocaine white stars blaze through the night sky, opulent blue diamonds dance on each sixteenth. They are so brilliant yet far away. It's cold out here and nobody can save you.

Rozay feels like the narrator. The smoothness and depth of his voice is grounding us. It feels like the grand entrance of a Sultan. It is soothing and consistent, like he is rocking us to sleep, and we know it.

The space between his and Gunplay's verse allows him to vanish, yet the mission is still in motion.

Gunplay appears on some cowboy shit. His voice is unforgiving, he been out here after dark, he knows exactly what time it is. The contrast of their voices creates the perfect equilibrium. He is warning us that death is near, but simply in passing. He is used to dancing with death, so it doesn't phase him like it may others. He is getting to it no matter what, but he is slick with it. He is moving on alligator time. You might not see him coming, and by the time you do it's probably too late.

Everything about this song feels clean, slick, eery and effortless. They dance around death from different angles and maneuver through the unknown with confidence; rock solid, shining unwaveringly like the diamonds on Rozay's girl's wrist.

Demons by CEO Trayle feels like Frankenstein music. He paints with varying shades of Grey and a deep faint purple. The volume of his voice and his flow feel like he is in between realms, he could either turn up or shut it down. The way he moves the molecules feels truthful and neutral. He could go either way with it but he is walking the middle.

Good and Plenty by Alex Isley, Masego and Jack Dine feels like I am underwater. Though it is unknown, it feels safe here. I feel like I am being nurtured and safe to open up my femininity. Alex's voice is sweet, pure and resonant. Masego's voice feels humble and sincere. The sweetness of his saxophone comes through to tie it all together, it adds an element of brassiness but it's pleasant and lulling, not alerting in anyway. Words that come to mind are Pearl, Mermaid, Yoni, Free, Secrets, Bliss.

Breath Deeper by Tame Impala is bursting with Green, Pink, Orange, and Fuchsia. It feels like flowers are blooming around me. They are ready to graciously peel back their petals, revealing their true essence. The transition feels more Burgundy and turquoise. The third section of the song sounds electric lime green, neon blue and highlighter yellow.

What do you see? How does it sound? Which emotions are you experiencing? Do the snozzberries taste like snozzberries?

Well...

We have come to the end of this this thought experiment. I hope that you have found it to be soothing yet enlightening. If you are feeling hopeless, please remember there is a way out. In. I wrote this piece while being lovingly embraced by the sounds listed below. If you happened to read it before listening, I recommend you re-read it again at a later point from a different side of the moon. Either go to your favorite space, or make some space for yourself were you will not be distracted. Put on some headphones or play it through your favorite medium. Lay back, close your eyes, and connect to your breath. After you have a steady inhalation & exhalation rhythm going, put on the playlist and allow the molecules to slowly fill the space. As they surround you with energy keep your breathing rhythm going and connect to your sensory experience - specifically sound and touch. Notice how your body feels in the way it is positioned. Notice the tension in your body and actively begin to release it through your breath. Once you have let about 20 minutes of this playlist move through you and your space, reopen this thought experiment and give it another read. No analysis, no intellect, no judgement, just VIBES. It's only right. 😜