Character Arc: Track 1

I wrote a 6 song EP. I write lots of songs, really. But the songs in this project actually span several years of my life, and were not originally related. I only saw how they reflect the very raw emotions I felt through those years, and how I had markedly grown as a person, in retrospect. On the album cover, I hoped to illustrate this by using two photos of myself spaced roughly 4 years apart. At the start of this period, I had just gone through a messy breakup, and was freshly addicted to cigarettes. While I didn't realize what a problem it was becoming, I also had begun heavily drinking. I began dabbling in doing party drugs, with friends. Equally impactful to my development at that time, I started going to open mic nights to play music. I had been writing songs for some time, but had never shared them. After a few shaky nights, I learned how to throw off the terror that comes from being on a stage bearing my vulnerabilities to strangers in the form of a song.

This first song, Drowned, vividly reflects the deep depression and pessimistic nihilism I felt. I had no money to my name. I watched my first serious long-term relationship slowly crumble over several months, and wasn't sure where I was going to live. I had dropped out of college, because working to just barely support myself and schoolwork proved too much with my untreated, copeless depression. In the aftermath of these things, I went to those open mics, starting shortly after my 21st birthday. For anyone who has not experienced open mics, they are typically hosted in bars. I very typically drank when I went. In one line of the song I, explicitly wrote "I don't care if I make it home at all" in reference to how drunk I would get before I would drive home. I was an extremely reckless person, because I had not yet learned to love myself. After all, I was "just another asshole with a guitar". That was something I genuinely believed! As much fun as I would have, and still have, playing songs like this one for people, I absolutely struggled to believe I was worth anyone's time. If people didn't bend their ear to listen, I understood!

Apathy. For one's own well-being. For one's own self worth. For one's direction in life. There are very few things more detrimental to a person than this. I have very rarely been actively suicidal. It has always been more passive. I'll smoke and hope it gives me cancer. I'll drive home drunk without my seatbelt. I'll take some pills I don't know what the hell are for. Snort some powder I don't know where it came from.

To be clear, I don't do these things anymore. Over time, I did what the kids call "getting my shit together". But I think it's important to be open about these things. As crazy as it sounds, I didn't know I was depressed. I had suicidal thoughts at 15 and didn't realize that depression could look like me. It was a few years into this all that I finally made the connection, hey! I'm not supposed to feel like this! I need to do something about it!

The photo on the left is a sad, tired, miserable young man who thinks there's nothing he can do to get a leg up in the world, barely holding on to any hope that's left. The photo on the right, is the same person. The same person who doesn't feel alone, and might actually really enjoy it if you told him your life story, thank you very much. Who makes active decisions to make life better for himself and those around him. Who looks back on the way he used to be, not with sadness, but so grateful for how far he has come since. I don't smoke or drink or do any of those things anymore, though I will save the finer details of that transformation for the proceeding articles.

If you would like to listen to me bear my soul for you, you can listen here, or search for Jesse Law - Character Arc on wherever you stream music.