Behind the Beat

I’ve told my story before on my mental health. It has been shaky at best at times and I have been through some dark times. I am not proud of what I did in those dark times now, but I live with those and I live with those feelings on a daily basis. It is not easy to deal with, but music has helped especially certain songs in particular.

The darkest of which was after a horrendous car accident I was involved in. I was hit by a car and nearly died because of it. Recovering from that was not easy. I say that I am still recovering from this as each day is a battle. But when I was at my worst, in my recovery right after the accident I remember that there was one song I would listen to that helped me cope with my accident.

I remember thinking as I was healing from my wounds, why me. Why did I have to get hit by a car, why did it have to be this bad, why out of everyone else did I have to deal with this burden and the most heavy question I asked myself, why did I not die?

At that point it seemed that I would rather death over healing from everything and relearning how to walk properly and how to recover from a coma. It was too much for the 14-year-old me to deal with and continue to deal with. I questioned everything, I was too young I thought to have this weight on my shoulders, the expectations that I’d be fine so quickly after.

I remember distinctly not wanting to get better, that I just wanted to waste away in my bed. It seems silly now, but I was watching Disney movies at the time as they were easy for my brain to handle, with the simplicity of the colors and the background, not too many loud noises. I was watching Pocahontas, thinking how I am just going to give up with everything, I just did not want to continue to deal with this. And then the song came on, it was a simple song and not very long but something in the lyrics resonated in me.

Those lyrics are, “Que que na-to-ra you will understand. Listen with your heart, you will understand. Let it break upon you like a wave upon the sand. Listen with your heart, you will understand.”

It seems so simple, but those words hit me hard. I stopped and took a moment and really just lied there listening to that song again, over and over and over again. Something inside me just clicked at that moment and I know understood why this happened to me, why I was feeling like this, and what I needed to do now.

After that my life changed. It was so weird, and I have no idea on how but something inside changed as cliché as that really is to say. But it is true. I decided to actually try to get better physically. Mentally, it was a challenge, but it was one that I was now ready to fight and move on with my life.

I never thought a song would have so much impact in my life. It truly took me back because music has never had that effect on me. Music never made me feel that way before, and that’s when I knew that it had a deeper meaning. That song I can without a doubt say saved my life. I still went through tough times ahead with my mental illness but whenever things get way to tough for me to handle, I am drawn to this song to help bring me back down. I even have a tattoo now to help immortalize the song to me so I never forget it’s power.