50 Worst Songs Of All Time

Hey howdy hey, friends!

I am here to rescue you. No, not from aliens, or Kim Jong-Un, or sharknadoes, but from horrible songs that you should avoid at all costs.

Yes, I have compiled a list of the 50 worst songs of all time. You’re welcome. Now I am already assured that there are songs on this list that many won’t agree with, but you are entitled to your wrong opinion. I have selected songs that are, at least relatively, well known. I’ve shied away from album cuts that were never released as singles (hello, Rivendell by Rush), singles that didn’t really take off (Shandi by KISS – lookin’ at you) and songs so bad and cheesy they’re good (I Started A Joke by the Bee Gees – okay, the Bee Gees repertoire). So sit back and take a read, and if the mere mention of a song sticks it in your head for a time… that’s okay. I’m evil like that.

50. Dreams - Van Halen: Not truly horrible but a glaring example of a time when hard rock bands insisted on keyboards. That time should be stricken from history. And “Dreams” is keyboard heavy, but like Casio keyboard. Egads. Van Halen was guilty before of this on “Jump” from 1984, but saved by Diamond Dave. Heck, Van Hagar wouldn't even learn their lesson and released “Right Now” down the road, but this song stains an otherwise stellar output. RQ (Redeeming Qualities): Any Eddie Van Halen solo will always be welcome.

49. Walking In Memphis – Marc Cohn: I don’t even really know where to start. Just sucks in general. Fun fact – he won Best New Artist Grammy in 1992. And was never heard from again. RQ: Elvis shout out.

48. Photograph - Nickelback: Now I’ve never really understood the full-on hate that Nickelback receives. Are they my favourite? Far from it, but they’re not horrible. Oh, wait – except for “Photograph”. I am not a big fan of slow songs, like at all (as you’ll see in the list!), and that is perhaps the biggest sin of this song – its just kinda slow and kinda whiny. RQ: They’re Canadian. Your call on if that’s a quality or not.

47. Social Conscience Songs (Man In The Mirror - Michael Jackson, That’s Just The Way It Is – Bruce Hornsby, Another Day In Paradise – Phil Collins): Look, I’m all for songs that try to make the world better, that highlight injustices and sins of society in an effort to make people realize they can help and do better, a la Neil Young with “Keep On Rockin’ In The Free World”. But dang – the ones that are just slow, depressing, and sung by artists who could probably single-handedly buy the world out of whatever they’re preaching against are ghastly. What is possibly more inspiring than “take a look at yourself and then make a change” followed up with na-na-nas? Pretty much anything else. RQ: Still highlights needs in society. They just need to be highlighted at a way faster tempo.

46. Dream Weaver - Gary Wright: Just weird. Its got all spacy keyboard crap all over it. RQ: Was in the Wayne’s World movie. Not a great shout-out like Bohemian Rhapsody, but still there.

45. Winds Of Change - The Scorpions: Power ballad-ish ode to the Berlin Wall coming down. Fine, but the German accent comes through wicked hard – “tyyyyyke me, blah blah blah sturrrrrry night…” Stick to rocking like a hurricane, gents. RQ: Um… gets the Scorpions on lite rock hell FM stations?

44. Silly Love Songs - Wings: I will declare right here that Paul McCartney is, far and away, my favourite Beatle and in my opinion has/had the better solo career (I guess when it lasts 50 years you’re bound for more hits than misses, I guess). Yet he is guilty of boppy bubblegum cheese from time to time and this is one of the worst. “I…. love… you…” repeat for a chorus? Eleanor Rigby would be mighty disappointed. RQ: A few points for simply being Paul’s.

43. Life In A Northern Town – The Dream Academy: Dreary and drawn out with some pseudo Lion King, Afrikaan “hey o mammammam waaaayyy ooo” chants going on. Way to promote life in the rural north, asses. RQ: One hit wonder so we were saved from Life In A Southern Town, An Eastern Town, A Western Town and On Mars. Whew.

42. Let Her Cry - Hootie And The Blowfish: As you can tell already I have little time for dreary, slow ass songs. Check “Let Her Cry” on that list. Blowfish? Blow song if you ask me. RQ: “Hootie” is right up there with “pants” as top fun words to say. Hoooootie.

41. Bad Abba - Fernando, Thank You For The Music, I Have A Dream, etc.: I like Abba. I love Abba, but not in a “gonna sit and watch Mamma Mia and lose my man card” way. Voulez Vous, Does Your Mother Know, Waterloo – all classics. But there are two Abba’s – the Abba that makes the classics and the Abba that makes dreck. Wow, you have a dream that’s long, slow as molasses and dreary as all get out. Hit that disco floor! RQ: Still Abba.

40. The Girl Is Mine - Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney: “Say Say Say” is the vastly superior duet from these two. This one is bound to have the girl tell Mikey and Mac that she gone. RQ: Again, Paul saves the day simply by being Paul.

39. You're Beautiful - James Blunt: Ah. Bite, bite, bite. And one-hit wonder Blunt wasn’t even going to let Weird Al try and save it with a parody. RQ: Weird Al did it anyway.

38. Everybody Hurts - REM: Everybody hurts because everybody is trying to scoop their ears out just to stop listening. RQ: REM has better so are saved by the “Legacy” clause.

37. You Light Up My Life - Debby Boone: Fun fact: supposedly a love song to God. Fun probable fact: God didn’t want it. RQ: “Boone”, right up there with “pants” and “Hootie”.

36. Angie – Rolling Stones: The Rolling Stones rock. Unless they aren’t using any of their guitars and like and resort to some orchestral bollocks and a whiny chorus. Eee. RQ: Stones. Legacy clause.

35. The Boys Of Summer- Don Henley: I think it’s the whale song heard throughout the piece that drags it down. Or the fact that it simply sucks. You decide. RQ: It ends.

34. Careless Whisper - Wham: Listen, I am not a Wham hater. “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go”, “Edge Of Heaven” – they’re good. This one? “Hey, Kenny G – you up to anything? We’re recording this song “Careless Whisper” and it doesn’t quite suck enough. Come on by.” RQ: It to ends.

33. Amanda - Boston: Oh Boston, Boston – you’ve done so very much better than this tripe. RQ: Hold out that hope its being sung to Amanda Huggenkiss as a Simpsons shout out.

32. Teenage Death Songs - Tell Laura I Love Her, Last Kiss, Teen Angel, etc.: There’s an entire genre of songs about teenagers dying, usually in a car crash. And they’re not good. They’re either to maudlin (Tell Laura I Love Her) or they’re kinda boppy given the subject matter (Last Kiss). If only the teens lived and the songs died. Oh well. RQ: “Detroit Rock City” from KISS. Epic.

31. Levon - Elton John: I do need to tread lightly here as I do know some hard-core Elton fans, but even they have to admit that this orchestral nightmare that rhymes “Jesus” with “Venus” (yep, its in there) is god-awful. RQ: Elton, too, has done better so we’ll use the Legacy clause here as well.

30. Signs - Five Man Electrical Band: Hippie protest bollocks about signs. Someone should have put a sign in the recording studio that simply said “Stop”. RQ: Hey – it ends too!

29. Don’t Stand So Close To Me 89 - The Police: The only possible excuse for this crap is that the original 1980 classic was a little to peppy given the subject matter so they opted for a sloooooow melancholic version in 1989. Maybe “Don’t Stand So Close To Me 1984.5” is better. RQ: Doesn’t leave its bitter stain on the superior 1980 original.

28. The One That You Love - Air Supply: If you don’t already know Air Supply sucks then give yourself a knock to the head with a two by four. RQ: Going with the “it ends”.

27. Wind Beneath My Wings/From A Distance - Bette Midler: Ironic – from a distance you can even tell that these two melancholic pieces of… something bad should have never seen the light of day. RQ: Bette Midler, when she isn’t doing crap diva arias like these, is pretty awesome herself.

26. Dead/Dying Mom Country - Christmas Shoes, Roses For Mama, etc.: Another genre that shouldn’t exist, but does, is the country song about a dead or dying parent. Usually about how the singer sees and/or helps some kid that went to the store to buy something for his dead or dying mama. “They’re for my mama, mister,” the kid will say, “today would have been her birthday if she wasn’t worm food.” Totally played for maximum weepiness but far too lousy to succeed. RQ: They end. The quality that never disappoints.

25. Don’t You Forget About Me - Simple Minds: Goes off the rails with the Casio keyboard and the “na na nas”. Good “na na na” songs are few and far between, and this most definitely is not there. RQ: Was in “The Breakfast Club” movie. Although I have watched that again recently and isn’t nearly as good as I remember it. So… they’re Scottish? Will that do?

24. Connor’s Crap Rap: I don’t hate rap music outright. I like Eminem, Jay-Z and will even admit to liking some of Kanye’s stuff (“Black Skinhead” is def, yo!). And then there’s the Fat Boys, Run DMC, Public Enemy, DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince are all good (aaaaand street cred is gone). But the boy listens to this god-awful rap from Lil Sheezy, Lil Wheezy, Lil Sneezy, Lil Doc – I lose track of the names – that drop F and N bombs every two seconds, sound virtually the same as one another, have clever lyrics like “I’m different, yah I’m different. I’m different, yah I’m different. I’m different, yah I’m different” and are so obviously not using real musicians for back up. There’s one guy, Full Deezy (I don’t think that’s his name. I also don’t care) that has released the exact same song multiple times but with different “guest DJs”. Just shite. RQ: They all float. Err, end.

23. In The Air Tonight - Phil Collins: Wow, Phil – chillax. Kinda disturbing when you listen to it, and suffers a little bit from the whale-song issue and can you say depressingly slow?!? RQ: You know it and I know it – somehow still contains one of the best drum fills of all time.

22. The Long And Winding Road - The Beatles: “Hey lads, do you know that music that plays in lifts and on BBC telly with pictures of wildlife? Let’s put words to that.” RQ: Legacy clause!!

21. One Tin Soldier - The Original Caste: One of those “war is bad, peace is good” hippie drivel songs. “War” by Edwin Starr (also an excellent cover by Bruce Springsteen) is all that can be good. This one is most decidedly not. RQ: “Bloody morning after”. Where else have you heard those words in a song? Points for trying.

20. What's Up - 4 Non Blondes: Pop quiz – how many times can you fit “Hey, ya ya ya” in a song? About 4 minutes and 55 seconds worth. Lord this song sucks. RQ: It takes a long, long time but eventually ends…

19. The Living Years - Mike And The Mechanics: Aw, Mike and his Mechanics wish they had good ol’ dad back to tell him everything they should have in the first place! Touching. Aack, gag, aaack. And a boy’s choir works in “You Can’t Always Get What You Want”, “Another Brick In The Wall” and “We Belong” and that literally is it. RQ: Even “it ends” doesn’t seem to do the trick...

18. Imagine - John Lennon: I know I will get a lot of flack for this one, but I’m good. Its just way to hippie, kumbaya, “wow man, like what if there was peace everywhere, man?”, simplistic stonerish for me. RQ: Clearly people like it, so ask them for their wrong opinion on it.

17. Waiting For A Girl Like You - Foreigner: Its like a power ballad but that power is from a AAA battery powering the Casio. Just die already. RQ: Foreigner doesn’t outright suck so we’ll give them this one as an outlier.

16. I Can't Tell You Why - The Eagles: “Hey guys, you know how the Beatles did that song that sounded like its played in an elevator or plays on cable TV with video of a flower or river? Let’s do that to!!” RQ: Legacy clause.

15. Sometimes When We Touch - Dan Hill: Just bad. RQ: Nope.

14. Voices Carry - Til Tuesday: Aimee Mann goes from sounding like some Cyndi Lauper wannabe during the verses to some incoherent chorus “Oh Charles(, or shush, or cha) being blah blah, voices carry”. RQ: Aimee Mann would guest on Rush’s “Time Stand Still” so is somewhat redeemed.

13. These Eyes - The Guess Who: “Hey, hosers. You know how both the Beatles and the Eagles did songs that sound like they should be played in elevators or on CBC with video of a moose grazing? Let’s do that to, eh?” RQ: Sigh. None.

12. Seasons In The Sun - Terry Jacks: Just no. RQ: Brought much amusement to me and my elementary school friends by changing the lyrics to contain “sticking fingers” in crevices. Yes, THOSE crevices. And truth be told still much amusement even today.

11. Time In A Bottle - Jim Croce: If I could stick time in a bottle I’d stick the time that Jim here recorded this crap in there and toss it overboard so as never to see the light of day. RQ: Jim also recorded “Bad Bad Leroy Brown” so he can’t be all horrible.

10. John Mellencamp Songs: I hate, hate, hate John Mellencamp songs. Hate them. With a passion. I don’t know exactly what it is. Could be the pseudo country rock feel of everything that is neither country rock enough to be good like the Eagles, nor rock enough to be rock and roll royalty like the Stones. Could be the Bruce Springsteen wannabeish of his repertoire but nowhere near as good (fiddle will never be better than Clarence Clemons saxophone!). Could be the voice that makes you want to drive your DeLorean 88 mph, go back in time and give John Mellencamp Sr and his mama some birth control. All adds up to unlistenable crap, except for one song that somehow is even WORSE. RQ: Well, he does drop “macho s**t” in “Play Guitar”, and “Scarecrow” isn’t totally horrible.

9. He Stopped Loving Her Today - George Jones: It’s the Venus de Milo of melancholic, depressing songs. Should have been called “He Stopped Making Good Music Today”. RQ: Its in the top 10 here. What do you think?

8. Lady In Red - Chris deBurgh: No. RQ: No.

7. In The Ghetto - Elvis Presley: Stick to the bedazzled jumpsuits and Vegas camp, Elvis. Just awful. “In the Garbage” would be more appropriate. RQ: No one can whip off a line like, “and his… mamacried” like the King.

6. Whiskey Lullaby - Alison Krauss and Brad Paisley: If “He Stopped Loving Her Today” is the Venus de Milo of melancholic, depressing songs, this is your Mona Lisa. RQ: Sha, right!

5. Feed The Birds - Julie Andrews (from Mary Poppins): “You know what the Mary Poppins soundtrack needs, don’t you Walt? I mean we have fun song, fun song, fun song, fun song, but where is the depressing song in the middle that doesn’t even fit in the movie? Just god awful. RQ: Julie Andrews is alright, so an ever so slight pass.

4. Skinnamarink - Sharon, Lois and Bram: … and here we are, the start of the Evil Quartet of Songs. I don’t really know why this one drives me up the wall, but it does. Its just lame, I guess, and I even like songs from kid shows (“Hot Potato” by the Wiggles? Downloaded!). Maybe its to sunny for my demeanour. Or just sucks. Probably the latter. RQ: You know we’re in the top 4 now?

3. American Pie - Don McLean: Just no. Just… no. Infinity times no. No to the infinity power. Googolplex no. RQ: Just no. Just… no. Infinity times no. No to the infinity power. Googolplex no.

2. Cat's In The Cradle - Harry Chapin: Melancholic, weepy, slow-arse crap. And whoa – his boy becomes just like him!! But hopefully with better music!! RQ: I just can’t.

1. Jack And Diane - John Mellencamp: You made it! #1! Lord I hate this song so much. I know the first chord by heart and the millisecond I hear it on the radio, its off. Like where do I even start? The “riff” is elementary at best. He seems to aim for Bruce Springsteen lite, but totally and completely misses the target. His voice is cringe-worthy. And who uses the word “ditty”? This is, far and away, the worst of the worst songs. If you’ve never heard it, God loves you very much and has saved you from this hell on radio. If you have, its to late for you – take an Aerosmith “Last Child” with an AC/DC “Thunderstruck” chaser as penance. RQ: Oddly enough, only the second song in this list that has even a slightly good drum fill. Weird.