first time writer. lifelong drama queen
It’s an anomaly, waking up in a bed with another and still feeling alone. You can physically see them there. it’s tangible, and yet you still couldn’t feel further apart. I read somewhere that it’s better to jump off a moving train than to wait to be pushed off. it didn’t resonate until i found myself on that moving train. I feel like i spend so much time on the could be that i forget that sometimes situations just are, and must be accepted as such. As painful as it might be, some things are just meant to be what they are no matter how much you wish otherwise, and when it comes to love it’s just that much harder to accept. It’s a funny thing you know, love. Complicated and stressful and sometimes painful, but still finding it worth while. I never wanted to be one of those people who was fearful of it. Always wanted to embrace it for its beauty and wonder and even if there were bumps and bruises along the way I never wanted that to douse my fire. Sadly so , enough turmoil and tragedy will cause the change to happen regardless. It’s the acknowledgment of such change and the willingness to recreate that narrative that is of utmost importance. The fight to make sure that you don’t allow your lessons to block your blessings, because love really is a beautiful thing when it’s healthy. When two people are willing to put the other before themselves and make the sacrifices, have the hard conversations, tell the truth even if it hurts, and still love and appreciate and respect one another is breathtaking. To physically see it on two people when they are enamored with each other or when you see a couple celebrate 50 years of marriage it’s admirable. It shows that a healthy and strong relationship can withstand even the deadliest of storms. I’ve always wanted that. From my oldest memories of adolescence I have always been a girl who has loved love. My parents did a pretty decent job of giving me something I’d aspire to have one day . Now their relationship was far from perfect, but in those moments when they would lay in the bed just as the sun started to rise above the horizon and they would talk and laugh together before we all woke up & left our beds to join them in their bed, the love was authentic . It was unwavering and you could feel it in the air that surrounded us. It was like warm clothes when you first take them out the dryer ; you couldn’t help but be consumed by the feeling. You could feel it when we use to sit around the dinner table after a long day and joke and talk about our day or when we would sit around the tv and watch our favorite shows together. As I look back on those memories, and smile , I am reminded that it’s attainable, the love i desire for myself , it’s possible. Even if i fail a hundred times I know that it is possible and that is why I’m not scared to keep trying. I’m not afraid to take the leap. Most people are scared to jump because they’re afraid of the fall, but what if they were to fly? What if they were able to achieve and receive more than they thought possible? What if taking that leap of faith placed them exactly where they needed to be? Faith over fear. Faith is not being able to see but still holding on to belief. I have faith. I may not see it, but i still believe it’s there.
Words I Can't Say
Today, I saw you. We hadn’t laid eyes on each other in well over a month. There wasn’t a single word shared between us in just as long and still seeing your face brought me so much peace. Slightly awkward at first, like the introvert who has to speak publicly before their peers, yet still familiar and comforting like a fond memory. I do well with keeping my feelings at bay, but when you look at me and smile, I am swept away like sand on the shore.
Nine A.M Thoughts
How do you know love is love? Strange question I’m sure so let me rephrase. When are you able to decipher whether something is love or just deeply rooted lust? As I laid next to him, looking at him, hearing his soft snores over the sound of the fan, overcast just barely shining through the windows and I was convinced it was love. No matter what had happened in the past I hadn’t been able to fully walk away from him. Even in the extended breaks we took thinking each time would be the very last time I found myself in the same bed on mornings just like the one I’m describing and I felt complete in his presence. Now that’s not to say I didn’t feel complete on my own, but nothing felt missing when it was the break of dawn and I could feel his flesh on mine. This felt like home. I would like to think that it’s love, but if that was the case then why did I find myself stuck in the middle for so long? Why was I so unsure? If I loved this man why was there ever a time for him to question my love and loyalty. I don’t want to solely blame it on his uncertainty because regardless, I loved him right? So why would give myself to someone else knowing what it would do? I am smart enough to understand those type of actions come with repercussions and fractures the very foundation we were attempting to build on. Was i scared of how I felt? Was it my way out? Was I falling so fast that I interrupted the journey before it had a chance to begin?