Nine A.M Thoughts

How do you know love is love? Strange question I’m sure so let me rephrase. When are you able to decipher whether something is love or just deeply rooted lust? As I laid next to him, looking at him, hearing his soft snores over the sound of the fan, overcast just barely shining through the windows and I was convinced it was love. No matter what had happened in the past I hadn’t been able to fully walk away from him. Even in the extended breaks we took thinking each time would be the very last time I found myself in the same bed on mornings just like the one I’m describing and I felt complete in his presence. Now that’s not to say I didn’t feel complete on my own, but nothing felt missing when it was the break of dawn and I could feel his flesh on mine. This felt like home. I would like to think that it’s love, but if that was the case then why did I find myself stuck in the middle for so long? Why was I so unsure? If I loved this man why was there ever a time for him to question my love and loyalty. I don’t want to solely blame it on his uncertainty because regardless, I loved him right? So why would give myself to someone else knowing what it would do? I am smart enough to understand those type of actions come with repercussions and fractures the very foundation we were attempting to build on. Was i scared of how I felt? Was it my way out? Was I falling so fast that I interrupted the journey before it had a chance to begin?

I spent almost two years in therapy with a wonderful woman named Sally. By the time I reached out to her my life was in a disarray. I was just fresh out of my longest relationship (three years) and ironically enough the day of my first session I received a traumatizing video of my ex having sex with a girl I’ve known almost all my life. Long and short it was a very emotional day for me and this is the introduction into my life that my therapist received. From day one she was very insistent on getting me the help I needed. This goes without saying, but there is no shame in needing someone to talk to. Ever. Your mental health is of upmost importance. It is nothing to play with and if you’re reading this and have been on the fence about it, this is your sign to go to therapy. At least try it out. … So back to Sally. After spending some months with Sally i realized that I was in a space of not feeling like I was good enough. In turn I accepted things that weren’t beneficial or fulfilling in anyway because it was all I thought I deserved. I use to tell myself that having something was better than having nothing at all but that isn’t true. Having nothing is better than having something that leaves you empty. I spent so much time in limbo of trying to love myself and trying not to be consumed by the guilt and shame of the poor choices of my past. She told me that I was good for self sabotaging myself. If things looked too good then I was gonna hurt somebody else before they got a chance to hurt me. I was going to make the situation out to be negative before even giving it a chance to be good to me because that was a safer route in my eyes. (Probably has something to do with the comfort i would find in chaos but that’s for another story.)

When I reflect back on the time I had spent with this man I could admit that I may have sabotaged myself early on. It was what I was good at. I don’t think that changed how I feel or the severity of it. I wouldn’t say that my feelings were anything short of love, it just wasn’t healthy. Does that mean it wasn’t love then? What is love? According to Merriam-Webster love is “a feeling of strong or constant affection for someone.” If we’re going straight off the dictionary definition then yes I would’ve called it love. My inability to escape that mans presence and the never ending cycle of him that glides on my train of thoughts all day let me know where i stood in my feelings for him. Now I’m not saying I was completely and utterly enamored but the love I had for him was real. Even on a personal level there was no one more I would have rather shared my day with. Whenever I received any news he was the first one I would want to call. When it was time for sports he was the one I wanted to kick back on the couch with. When i was searching for peace from the world around me all I had to do is see him and I forgot why I ever felt a type of way to begin with. Even when we would go through phases of not seeing each other for extended periods of time each we always fell back in line like nothing ever changed. We always picked back up where we started. I use to think instances such as those had value. I use to believe that is was It wasn’t love it was lust. Both of us allowed so much to be done or said just to keep the lust that we shared. As you can imagine it ran out. Burning so fast and hot that we didn’t even get the chance to decipher what was real and what wasn’t. We were thrown into situations people could have never imagined. We had friends turn to foes right before our eyes. We had lies and buried secrets that eventually made their way to the surface and we had undeniable feelings for each other that we so desperately tried to ignore. For me that was never an option but after taking a page or two from his book i began to separate the two. Whether it was love or lust it was real. And it was something I’ll always cherish. If you decide to take anything from this passage, remember that your feelings are real and important, just be careful who you decide to give your heart to.