Words I Can't Say

Today, I saw you. We hadn’t laid eyes on each other in well over a month. There wasn’t a single word shared between us in just as long and still seeing your face brought me so much peace. Slightly awkward at first, like the introvert who has to speak publicly before their peers, yet still familiar and comforting like a fond memory. I do well with keeping my feelings at bay, but when you look at me and smile, I am swept away like sand on the shore.

I have spent time trying to decipher how I feel or what to label those feelings but I can't seem to put my finger on it. I find myself in constant limbo with our past and the future I wish to share with you. How I feel is undeniable. I try to remind myself that I must stay strong. I must stand firm. I can’t allow myself to get lost in you, at least that’s what I think to myself. It almost works until I hear a song that reminds me of you and here I am, distracted by our best memories.

We’ve been spending time together as of lately and I appreciate how far we have come as individuals. I feel a sense of pride in being able to see how we have grown and knowing that even after all this time we still find comfort in each other's company. With that being said there are things that worry me. I fear that the damage that’s been done is too costly. I am fearful of how it will weigh on us in the future. Anxiety sets in. The overthinking begins and now my brain is a storm cloud of doubt and fear. Is there too much water under the bridge, or whatever the saying is, for us to come back from our past? I doubt it. We wouldn’t be here if that were true, right?

When you wrapped your arms around me before my departure it felt unifying. In that moment when time stood still you could feel that everything I was thinking, the way I felt, everything I couldn’t say, was mutual. The feelings we still shared made themselves known. It was almost as if we remembered why we associated with each other at all. That was the feeling we were both missing, both searching for. We both became not only self-aware but also accepting of our feelings. It felt like we were able to acknowledge that we still had work to do as individuals and as a unit.

Now, I can’t speak for you, although I’m usually right when it comes to the things you try to omit, but I think if we have any chance of a future we have to start here. I think this is our new beginning. With an introduction such as ours it was almost shocking to me that we had made it this far. But if we start from scratch, we can create anything we envision. We dealt with so much unnecessary stress. That in itself would was crippling not to mention the damage we did to each other as a result of our skepticism. We went through so many motions we hardly had the chance to give our authentic selves to each other. There were brief moments of “what could be” which I believe have been something that has kept us here. It was almost magnetic, and we saw the potential in it.

I have learned there is never any certainty in this life but I am certain about the way I am drawn to you. I am sure the aura that surrounds you is compatible with mine. I honestly don’t know if it’s lovers, friends, or business partners but it feels like we are meant to be connected. That much is telling. Like the moon connected to the tide I am connected to you. I compare it to a moth and a flame at times. I see all the warning signs and yet somehow, I still can't seem to keep myself from the danger zone. Maybe you’re just as drawn to me as I am to you but one way or another, we find ourselves back where we started. We always seem to meet in the middle. I’ve always been grateful for that.

You have the ability to open me up like a flower with a gentle word or simply running your fingers along my skin. The way we finish would finish each other’s sentences, how we complement one another and bring out the best in each other. You can take my breath away with quick glance or a smile and I am undeniably yours. I try to remind myself to be careful of that. As I lay with you in the afterhours of some of our most intimate moments, I am reminded how easy it is to be consumed by you. Your scent is irresistible, your body structure is mesmerizing and I am reminded of your strength whenever you wrap your arms around me as you sleep.

It’s so easy to fall back into you. As I was laying by your side this morning, skin touching skin, fan blowing but not louder than my thoughts I found myself lost in the hopes that the ends will justify the means. My fingers were tracing the surface of your skin and all I wanted to do was love you. I do love you. I love the very essence of your being. That thought terrifies me. How easy it is to love you. You do and say very little and still I become wrapped up in you. Maybe it’s the memories of what came before we removed the rose colored glasses or maybe I really do just love you but it’s still a code I’ve yet to crack. I don’t think it is a thing that could be described simply with words.

Beneath it all I know your soul needs to heal. I know that your mouth doesn’t always say the things on your heart out of protection for yourself. I know when it comes to your emotions, your eyes and body language will always tell me the things you can’t find the words to say. Ultimately, I think this is a good thing, being here, starting from scratch. I think even still being connected is a testament to how we feel about each other. So, let’s take a moment to appreciate it. Let’s dedicate our time to not only growing but enjoying the growth. Let us vow to be better people, better friends, better as individuals and together. Let’s promise to forgive ourselves, each other, and the past. Let’s start from scratch, and turn the page, and rewrite the story we never got a chance to start. Whatever we decide to do, let's do it together.