I was born in 1971 and grew up in Central Islip. NY good ole CI. . Average middle class in a diversified neighborhood where depending on what side of the tracks your on watch out not to mention the psychiatric ward across the street on Lowell Ave. can remember to this day riding down to the local supermarket and seeing the patients just wandering around in the streets. But don't worry for us Lowell Ave kids this was quite normal and an everyday event. I can remember as a teenager having my walk man, yes I am old and blasting tunes as I jogged through the psychiatric hospital and made it my route became so everyday you lose the fear and let's face it they were on so much medication and lost they meant no harm. Most of them sat and tried to fix the railroad tracks that ran along the hospital. Funny as we get older things that scared as a child become so conditioned and normal that we begin to believe doesn't everyone do this. Everyone has a different story, different background, different life and normal. I realize we are all part of this world big and small, rich and poor. We have all become accustomed to one thing or another that may make someone else think we are insane or crazy. We all have our own failures we deal with and our own insecurities we fight daily. In the whole this entire world struggles daily with something everyday. I personally always take everything with a grain of salt and if someone is rude for no reason I just assume they having a bad day and I hope their day gets better. Right now everything is becoming so crazy and upside down and believe me it was a gradual curve and pandemic did not bring it to its knees. I left New York and moved to Virginia the city Newport News, I laugh not a city just a safer Long Island in my world City means Manhattan, Bronx, Brooklyn. But in Virginia city is Newport News and very suburbs to me but I felt much safer raising a family and having my children go to public school. All was fairly safe but eventually the crime got closer and closer. By the time my children got to High School there were shooting and bomb threats. They had lock downs and it unfortunately became normal. My son love him is my what do I do I'm leaving so I would tell him if you can safely get out go home. My daughter on the other hand would tell me he's over reacting its not that bad and I'm staying to take my test. Even my own two children who are from the same home have two separate perspectives. Where I'm proud my daughter wants to take her test and be brave, I'm also proud my son took off and went home. This world did not become this way overnight and definitely did not blow up due to pandemic. I do believe it was already coming a mile away even in the safe communities. Its almost like no where is safe anymore. Something definitely needs to be tipped in the other direction. We need to all come together for mankind, Everyone now is just voicing their very strong opinions and not one person is giving an inch to even consider the other side. I saw it myself with a peaceful debate about racism. Believe me we all see racism and no one will ever say it does not exist. Problem is racism comes in all directions and if no one will give an inch and change it will remain. Me personally always love the under dog stories like "Remember the Titans" which is Hollywood version but again there is also "American History X" and "Colors" there is more racisms than just black and white as well and has been around since I was born in 1971. Crazy wondering when it will truly end and grudges let go and people just start living to humanity and kindness and giving a hand to those in need regardless being that we are Americans. Funny how we even state our nationalities these days because as long as I could remember I am from the USA. I have my last child which will be venturing off to start school this year. Me personally coming from CI have always had faith in the public schools and fells in itself it teaches us to blend and have diversity and to integrate and learn each others cultures but I must say in all honesty I believe I will home school and lock my baby away from this society that is going to do more harm to her than ever. Its becoming toxic and evil no matter which side you take. Everyone is just stating facts and making excellent points but no one on the other side of the agenda is even listening. What kind of world as adults are we going to leave to our innocent children and further more what is going to become normal to them. Where I stand I want more daughter, my baby, to give a dollar to the man standing at Walmart, I teach her now to donate her toys to goodwill I want her to not fear this world and remain in the house with the doors locked. I pray a solution comes quickly and hope that everyone does there part to find a middle ground a true breaking point , a compromise. Our children need this world and its is not our to destroy but ours to build and provide for the future generations that will walk our path. At least that's what I was taught back in the day. I pray for everyone and pray for our country. I got one left who means the world to me and I would love to see her go to school and enjoy the journey I had and to make her own decisions and to do what is right always without any judgement. Change is inevitable starts with one person and ends with majority but never all. Everything going on today is the same as always and media now has just created such a hype that it became global and scary. Life still goes on ,years go by and we still are stuck in the same war with each other of the Left and Right or however you want to word it but always a wall that has gotten thicker over time . This world has truly gone crazy with social media and with morals and conduct being misplaced everywhere. Unfortunately the few do mess up the whole bunch which is never fair. Again like children if you part of the crowd you get the same punishment. In the end we are all wanting the same justice and peace. I ask how , how can those who won't listen and change and see both sides and agree that this world is becoming evil but not realize that it is within us. We are this world everyone, we make up this world, our children who we raise are our future. How can we continue everyday teaching the same lessons we were taught then expect life to change. I just wonder when all will stop and everyone just pause take a break and accept that anyone can change anytime. Nobody in this world was built one way we are all built different, we are all different, we are individuals and have our own choices and our own minds and we need to use them with better judgement. I may not have any effect at all in this world just one voice, but tired of hearing one side and getting caught in the middle of something so much bigger than all of us. Just praying one day my own children live in a world of justice and peace. A world we can all live in with gratitude and understanding. Give a helping hand to those in need , learn to lean when needed, we are never alone in this world. We isolate when we do not grow, lets all grow and come as one already. I remember Michael Jackson "Man in the Mirror" what 90's screaming for all to change. Listen to the lyrics so many have tried and asked for all to change. We had so many leaders begging all to stop and listen. Lets all take one day to listen and not be biased and not judge or ignore but hear each other and learn from each other so we can all make this world a better place.
Life is always what we make it and having our struggles and deciding how far and how much to endure is individual strength to believe it was worth it. I personally have had struggles 2 bad marriages and a child at 43 with a man still married to his ex. It is so humiliating not to mention to be dragged to his own daughters wedding that takes place at his ex wife house while she has no baby and engaged with a ring and commitment with a man who just loves her for her. I sat in shame while my child, my baby was included in pictures and was the outcast and told I was not family. I learned and grown beyond realizing there is a stepping stone and ladder that always is and never changes. When you can recognize who is your circle, who is your family, and who is your savior life will always turn out to your advantage. When your circle is positive and your family is mother ,father, and children and you live accordingly to doing the right things with the right intentions you can always move on from any mistakes. If your intentions were honest and true and just did not turn out as expected you just need to believe in the end it will come back and turn out as you wanted. Timing can be the unexpected and the heartbreak of all because as much as you want and try and believe if its not ready its not there. I have done so much research where I believe and do see that when you do have all the facts and truth you can truly write your own story and create your own ending but again it will depend on if there is another person in your story. Everything changes everyday and no one person is predictable or ever on same page when not together. All the belief and effort is wasted when there is one and not two trying. Life truly is what we make it and there is no big picture or small picture , there is no light or dark, and there is no miracle or disaster. We all have our own beliefs and own story and have our own spirit to what moves us inside. Where I made be inspired and have faith and believe in my own miracle another my see pity and despair and pathetic. Perspective is life and seeing the silver lining takes faith and wanting happy takes so much effort. Its true what they say if you wake up and say to yourself today will be a good day it will because the bad in it will be tolerated and dismissed but if you decide you want a bad day then the same exact day will be your worst. Our perspective in life and happiness and unhappiness is all in the head and mind to see a dead flower as new growth for next year or a dead flower for now. We have the power and determination always to change our destiny and live our life as we choose. We can either take it and smile or take it and cry but life does not change. We can wake up and believe we see signs and believe all is good or wake up blind and see nothing. I choose to see signs. I choose to connect dots. I choose in life its not coincidence but meant to be. Life is how we perceive it, we either can believe and be awake and have the power to think we made a difference and have purpose, or we can just put our head down and not matter in life and enjoy spurts of fun. I believe my life and trauma which did leave me homeless, jobless, and broke gave me a spiritual journey of wealth and purpose in myself. I feel connected to my higher being and blessed. I believe I had to breakdown to breakthrough but again its all in our own perspective. Life happens and is never fair and always ups and downs and work always to maintain balance. I do believe when you have nothing and lose you have nothing to lose but to believe and it is your strength and empowerment. Being on lockdown and during this pandemic we can either live in fear or see it as internal needed growth to take this break and work on ourselves and not worry of time because we had nothing but time on our hands. Perspective sit home and complain or sit home and enjoy, life has multiple choices and we can always change our destiny and journey. All need to inspire , grow, and change to become part of a world that always evolves. When trauma and loss come in your life you need to decide what is the lesson and change due to the trauma and deal adequately with the loss. When you believe and can confront it all you will see a light and believe in yourself and become new. Its just evolving with the everyday struggles of live. We all can decide in ourselves if we are victim or victory, we can decide if we are good or evil, happy or unhappy. When you do see picture of life you can determine if you see big or small, life or death, positive or negative. When you make the right choices you make the right path, and when your path is positive it evolves to what you dreamed of. Life is never changing and people need to change to move through it in a more enlightened and positive attitude. If we all believed we could believe and have power to change the world with good and positivity it just may become a better place for all. Pandemic has gave me the greatest life lessons and gave me time to understand emotional triggers and communication and understanding different opinions and acceptance and forgiveness. In life we can be who we want to be if we believe and we can have the power to change and save ourselves from anything with our own strength. I do believe this lockdown and pandemic was a stepping stone for all to realize who we are and who we can be. I do hope all took time to see inside themselves and fix what was broken and see what is needed and have a new perspective overall. As much as this pandemic had stopped my life and created havoc I found the blessing and enjoyed the days off , again its how you want to see it. So from now on find the silver lining always and smile because I live on cross street Bridge and Church if that is not a sign in itself I don't know what is but again it how I want to see it so I feel blessed.
During the pandemic and shutdown I began seeing things a lot clearer with relationships. The interactions the reactions to others actions. Funny was having my own relationship problems of leaving a very unhealthy relationship. Felt so depressed seeing Facebook stories and people sharing and couples so happy. Have had a lot of relationships in my lifetime that was always missing something, just always ok but never feeling the true inner connection and intimacy when you find yourself in what I would believe love should feel like. Often wondered why I always felt drained in a relationship instead of feeling alive and happy. Have used the term not on same page many times to explain problems when in the relationship. Felt like I always was explaining the differences that were keeping it drained instead of alive. Then I did the constant checking on exes Facebook page and was so hurt. After 8 years together and a child together his page consisted of pictures of his children, brother, and sister, and dog. Just random pictures not of doing things or going places. Read through the feeds and conversations that his circle of friends and family were discussing. As I reviewd my circle of discussions and pictures of vacations people enjoying life. Again was blind at first just so hurt that he didn't want me and lacked respect for my needs and felt awful that he had nothing on his page that even acknowledged we were ever together. Then it finally clicked and hit me..Was like a rush of how we were not on same page and realized if he has a Facebbok page in the beginning of our relationship I probably would have identified sooner how different and truly not in same circle or page. Realizing times when relationships become toxic and exhausting and draining is due to not being on the same page which has an enormous effect in every level. My normal, my friends, my life was the way I wanted to be treated and what I wanted to hear and see. His circle was not at all where I wanted to be was not what I even wanted to hear or see. Realized missing someone who was never on the same page was a true blessing. Now I will make sure the next time I want to date that I dig deeper and make sure his Facebook page is alot more like my Facebook page so I wont have to feel drained wanting what was never going to happen. Actually gave me a way to truly define that whats normal to me is not normal to all.