Sex, three letters that have made up a living misery yet total ecstasy for most of my life. Back in the early 00's as a teen, I spent my evenings in my room binge watching Eurotrash whilst my parents slept in the next room. I think they did not realise the world in which they were opening up to a 12-year-old girl by allowing them to have sky in their bedroom or the internet for that matter. I was still their bundle of innocence.
My journey through 2020 was a complex one. I had started the year unemployed, which I had been since 2018, so there was nothing new there, but also I was facing debt and pulling my way out of crippling depression. I had no motivation, no goals, no ambition and no happiness I, was lost in life. I was trapped; a lifelong prison sentence or so it felt. Dealing with my borderline personality disorder breakdown between September 2019 - January 2020 left me exhausted. It was the biggest battle I had to face with my mental health in such a long time I thought I would never bounce back from it. When Covid-19 was announced and the Nation faced lockdown I was devastated. I had worked so hard to climb out of this hole only to be kicked right back into it again, I thought what is the point of my existence when it seems that everything that happens is to just knock me back down again.
2020, what a year it has been so far. From September 2019 to January 2020 I had been going through what I would call a BPD slump. I was not myself at all, I had not been able to hold down a proper job within 2 years so was unemployed once again, I was acting on terrible impulses which was creating problems for myself and I was basically the kind of me I did not want to be.
Never would I of thought that my borderline personality disorder, or emotionally unstable personality disorder as the doctors officially diagnosed me with would of ever worked within a romantic relationship. Growing up it was something in which I had always struggled with, relationships!