My Best Friend...

The first words I ever heard you say were a warning. You called to me, I went to my mother twice thinking it was her but then she told me to ask if it was you if I heard my name again. And Oh! Your still, small, sweet voice as it told me that something was coming but do not be afraid. I would be fine, everything would be fine. You would be there. A couple of weeks later, as my mother's car tossed and turned with us inside I knew this was it. You had warned me and I was calm because I knew, I knew that I would be fine and so would my mother. I closed my eyes and prayed that you would hold my hand. Next, you came to me in a dream...asked me to make a choice. You said that I would need protection to go through this life and all it had in store for me, I would need to choose. Would it be your army or Lucifer's that would offer me this protection? I whole heartedly chose your army to stand by my side. That has been almost 30 years ago and my oh my what a glorious few battles we've been through.

You see, there's a little girl inside of me that has needed you all these years in a way I never imagined I would need. You have been her constant, her dependable, constant source of comfort, her rock. I may be a grown woman now but in a lot of ways I'm still that little girl on her bed in desperate need of love, attention and affection. I've had to battle with my mental health my whole life and you've been there through everything. Now that I'm older I have some more perspective. I can see more clearly.

There are flashes that it comes in.... a sad little girl who gets yelled at, berated and judged too much and because of this her self esteem and self confidence is shattered. As she cries on her bed, she holds the only things that give her the most comfort; her baby blanket and your written Word. She didn't know that the words spoken that tore her down had very little to do with her and more to do with other people's unhealed trauma. She couldn't see it then, she could only see her pain. Somedays that is still all I feel; I feel it more numbly now. It hurts but I can see it's root cause more clearly now. You've helped me see that.

Those times I put knife to wrist and thought about cutting...I was so sad, miserable, I felt unlovable, unwanted and not worthy of living. I couldn't ever bring myself to slice through the skin but that only made me feel like a coward. I couldn't even release the pain I felt inside. In truth, I also felt I deserved to live with it. I felt I didn't deserve to cut because that would feel too good. That would be a release. No, I would carry it with me. My own personal boulder on my back. You saw me, you kept me alive. You kept me from cutting. I couldn't cut because I couldn't bring myself to for whatever reason and now, I know that was you that kept me from breaking the skin.

The moment I met and started to fall in love with my children's father. It was a blessed miracle for us to be put at the same small Christian school as it were anyways. I never stopped loving him though you know I've tired. Things went badly for us and left me feeling so lonely and abandoned. Do you know who never left me? All those times I cried out, You were right there. I was so desperate to make it work and I kept giving and giving and getting nothing in return. I didn't understand why our relationship wasn't working and thought you had left me But you always give....I somehow conceived a little girl right before the dissolvement of that marriage. She has been my sidekick and my little mini version of myself. She's different in some ways of course but so much like me that in a lot of ways I'm able to somewhat reparent myself through her.

When I met my "unbiological" sisters....if I hadn't met those two I'd for sure be dead. We all had mental health issues but finding those two gave me a reason to get up in the morning. We have bonded over the years in a bond that is so strong not even the strongest forces of nature could break it. We've been to hell and back together and because of that we'll never leave each other.

After my children's father I met another and that relationship was so good at first and exactly what I needed at the time. It did turn dark but you were there. You were there through it all...you gave me the good when I needed it and when things started to turn dark you kept me safe. You kept my children safe. You held us all in the palm of your hand. I could hear you say "Shhh child, it's all going to be okay. I've got you."

To my Best Friend, this life of mine is not my own but ours. I want to do what you want. Every decision that I've ever made that didn't include You and was made with haste has ended badly. I feel this past year or two I have hit a growth with You and I do not want to stop growing, learning, becoming more like You. Teach me. Pour into me. I don't want to be alone forever but if it is your will then so be it. I have to listen to You and that little girl inside of me. She can't be neglected anymore. I must listen to her, recognize her pain and be sure that she is ok above all else. I feel You feel the same way. If I need to be alone in order to keep her safe and better serve You then I will do just that and happily but if it is Your will for me to have a partner please you send one this time. I no longer want or need that responsibility. I need to know that this partner if he exists will seek You in all things and care for me as much as I will care for him and that we will together seek You. I need to know without a doubt that You are their Best Friend too.

Love,

Lindsey Altom