No Time Left

Ruby

I walked the beach as the wind raged around me, needing this moment. I hadn’t been home to Oregon in a few years, and coming back for Seth’s funeral was almost impossible to believe. My blonde hair wrapped around my throat as I reached for it, hearing a voice above the wind. I turned to see Layla walking towards me, wrapped in a jacket with a red hat pulled over her green hair.

It reminded me of Christmas.

“Ru! What are you doing out here?” She called out, and I picked it up just as the wind blew her words my way. I waited for her to reach me, pulling my long, thick hair into a messy bun with a sigh. Layla stopped in front of me with concern filling her blue eyes, wrapping her arms around me as I choked. “You shouldn’t be out here. It’s freezing.”

“I just needed a moment.” I slid my arms around her waist. “This is all so much to take in. I never thought he’d be gone.”

“I know. We all feel that way.” She paused for a moment as I shivered. “Screw this. Let’s get some coffee and talk.” I allowed her to lead me down the beach by the hand, walking right to her car as she opened the passenger door and gave me a pointed look.

“Fine. Coffee it is.” I slid inside of the Camry, and she closed the door after making sure I was buckled in. Layla joined me, starting the car as she shivered.

“Jesus. It’s freezing out there.” She turned on the heater and looked at me. “I’m glad you’re here, even if it is for this. Especially for this.”

“I can’t agree with that, but it’s good to see you.” She sighed and backed out of the tiny parking lot as I stared at the angry waves for a long moment.

Seth was gone. He’d been my best friend, my first love, and my first everything else. I went to college three years ago, never thinking that he’d go and die on me. I’d been here for visits but nothing too long. I always thought I’d have the next time to spend more time with him, but life was cruel that way. I even planned to move back here after school, and we’d spoken about trying again. It wasn’t that we broke up for awful reasons. It’s just what you did in high school when you went off to college, and we were young. We had all of the time in the world.

We pulled up to the curb at the coffee shop, and Layla turned off the car. I slid out of the passenger door, colder than I cared to admit to, as I followed her into the door. We each ordered our favorite brew, and she paid as I thanked her. Once we settled near the fire, I sipped the steaming liquid and let the heat wash over me.

“Why didn’t you call? You can come crash on my couch.” My family no longer lived here, and I decided to get a hotel. I had many people who would put me up, but I needed to be alone right now.

“Thanks, but I got a room at the new hotel. I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone.” I shrugged as she stared at me. “It’s just for the week, Layla. I’ll be fine and just be sleeping there. We have a lot going on these next few days.” There was the viewing tomorrow and the funeral the following day, and I knew that I’d be spending time with his mom and brother, though I wasn’t looking forward to that.

“You’re right about that. Are you ready for it?” She asked as I shrugged again.

“I can’t believe that he’s gone. We’ve driven past that cliff a million times, but that one time his car goes over it?” I knew that my voice sounded hollow, and I sipped the coffee again to wet my throat and try to make myself feel alive. Was it more than an accident?

“It was raining, and sometimes people get comfortable driving dangerous roads. I think that’s all that happened.” She smiled weakly, trying to reassure me. “What else could it be?” We shared a long look, neither of us willing to say it out loud. “Have you seen his family yet?”

“No. I just drove in last night and went right to the hotel. There will be time for that.” I loved his family as if they were my own, but that fact would make this that much more painful. “I took a car to the beach today. How did you find me?”

“Emily works at the hotel and saw your name. She called me, and I knew where you’d be. I wish you called to tell someone that you were coming.” There was disappointment in her voice, and I looked into her face.

“I’m having trouble dealing with this, Layla. I wanted to let it sink in on my own time. He was the love of my life, even if we weren’t together. Don’t you get that?” I demanded as she flinched. “I almost talked myself out of coming here for all of this.”

Back at the hotel later, I ordered dinner and ate it on the bed. Layla apologized for earlier, but it didn’t resonate with me. Not right now, at least. I stared blankly at the TV, picturing his warm whiskey eyes and messy hair as he made me laugh at something that he said. My phone rang, and I jumped, looking at the screen. It was Seth’s mom, and I closed my eyes. “Hello,” I said once I finally answered it.

“Ruby. You’re here. I wasn’t sure if you would be or not.” She sounded hoarse, and it made me imagine what she must be going through. “I hoped that you could come by the house. I have something for you.”

“Yeah. Sure. When is a good time? I know a lot is going on for you.” I waited for her to ask if this evening worked and hesitantly agreed to it. I showered beforehand, slipping into worn jeans and a college sweatshirt before braiding my hair over my shoulder. I stood before the mirror for a few moments, trying to calm my racing heart as I anticipated what might happen tonight with Karen, a woman I spent so much time with back in high school.

I finally left, driving the rental car to the familiar yellow house as I sat in the driveway for a moment.

There were so many memories here.

I saw Karen open the front door and step onto the large porch, looking over at me. I sighed and left the car, walking towards her as she pulled me into a tight hug. “It is so good to see you, honey. You made my son so happy.” I wanted to tell her that we were just friends the past few years but remained silent as she led me into the house.

Pictures of Seth covered the walls, both with family and friends. There were a few of us scattered around the house, reminding me just how much we loved one another. I turned my head away, woodenly sitting down at the kitchen table while Karen went to make some tea. She brought a large plate of various pastries and explained that friends had brought too much food for just her since the accident.

We sat in silence for a moment before she placed her hand on a book on the table that I recognized as Seth’s black journal and sometimes sketchpad. She took a shuddering breath and picked it up, turning it in her hands before she gave it to me. “Seth told me that if anything ever happened to him, I was to give this to you.”

“Why would he want me to have this?” I asked, confusion flooding my head as I took it, remembering the moleskin cover's soft feel. I had a few of these at home.

“We talked about such things; you know. Even when you went to college, my son was absolutely in love with you. He told me that he’d wait forever for you, but sometimes life throws a curveball at you.” Tears slid down her cheeks, and I felt my own stinging my eyes. I’d been strong in front of everyone, but the pressure was just too much.

I let the tears go as I pulled the elastic aside that held the book closed. Opening it, I saw drawing after drawing of me. I could tell that some were done when I wasn’t paying attention and others from photos.

Seth always had one of these books. I never overthought about what he was doing with them.

There were journal entries as well describing things that we did together in school, both as friends and when we were together. Those made me smile and cry, but the entry he wrote the day I left for college gutted me.

Seth was heartbroken when I left, despite telling me that I had to make the best choice for myself. When we ended things, I thought we were both okay with it. I knew that I wasn’t, deep down, but friends told me you don’t choose the high school boyfriend over college and the future. His words reflected all of his pain, and this theme continued through some more entries and drawings.

Eventually, he seemed to decide that he was going to wait for me. We spoke enough to know that we still cared about each other, making plans to hang out more and travel in the future. I remembered those talks and closed my eyes for a moment as grief took over.

“Why is he gone?” I asked the air around me, feeling something soft placed in my hand. “Why did he leave me?”

“He never wanted to. That boy said he’d wait forever for you, never dating anyone else. I believed him, too. His heart was with you.” She cleared her throat. “Keep reading, Ruby. there’s more.”

I took a few harsh breaths before opening my eyes to continue looking through the book. I noticed that Karen gave me a tissue and dabbed at my red eyes and nose, clutching it as I turned the pages.

Something fluttered out of the book, and I frowned at Karen. “What is this?” I looked down at the item, surrendering the tissue to unfold something. “Oh, my God. what is this?”

“Seth saved that money to take you on the trip of your dreams when you were both finished with school. It’s a trust from his grandparents, but he never touched it.”

I stared at the check written for twenty thousand dollars, written in my name in bold lettering. “He wanted you to have it to live the dreams that you both shared.”

“I can’t take his money. I don’t deserve it.” Sobs took over, and I reached blindly for another tissue as Karen handed me one. “I can’t take this.”

Later, at the hotel, I felt calm enough to read the journal. Seth wrote about our dream of backpacking through Europe and how we’d embark upon it once we were back together. There was no doubt in his mind that would happen. He told me about the money in the journal and what he planned to save it for. His words of love, pain, and hope ripped into my heart and gut as he told me to live our dreams for him if anything happened. Dropping to the bed, I cried for what would never happen.

I woke up later, just in time to see the sunrise over the horizon. I reached out for the book, seeing the check fall out once again. Karen insisted I take it, and I did.

It was a new start.