Why my 6th me too anniversary is so hard

These are all guesses, I have no clue why this is so hard for me this year. I know this year is different but it's different for a lot of reasons. I will tell you all the reasons I think this year is hard on me and why I feel this way.

So the first thing is the Harvey Wienstien verdict came down this year. He was not my assailant but he said the same thing to the courts as my assailant said to me. He basically said he didn't realize that it was assault. He was an older white guy who did these things to those women. With assault victims and survivors these cases can send them into a spiral or send them into a bad place mentally and emotionally. This is one thing non survivors/victims don't understand. Survivors can revert back to victims and this is something I learned after Harvey got sentenced and I had to explain this to the people in my life. They of course did not know this nor do I think they understood. This is where the whole be good to you and be patient with yourself thing comes into play. The Harvey verdict was a victory but it also took me back to where I was years ago when my assailant said he didn't know it was assault.

Another thing that made this hard was I wasn't getting out as much as I was. All this time alone and in the house is not good for someone with a mental illness or trauma. I was getting out for work and to see family but that was about it. Before this covid-19 thing came along I could at least try to get out. Now I'm stuck inside because not many things are open where I live. Somethings are opening up but slowly. I do plan to go out when things open up more. I also got out more when I was dating and when the main guy in my life was able to go out more.

I am also not able to see the main guy in my life as much as I use to. I'm not saying it's his fault that I'm struggling, I'm just saying it may be contributing factor to why I'm not doing well. I don't blame someone fully for my problems especially a mental health issue. Sometimes people can be a source of an issue for us but we can't blame people for stuff that's not their fault. I may have to find more friends or people to hang out with so that I can get out and have people to hang out with.

I could also be struggling because I am struggling with problems at work. We have a newer GM no one likes and does things that screw people over. Barely anyone gets along with him. So I decided to write more so that I can make more money and quite so I can cut down on stress.

So how does "not doing well" look like for a survivor? Well everyone is different so healing and struggling looks different for everyone. For me today struggling means I went off on my friend. It also means I'm anxious, a little emotional and moody. I tried to explain this to people but I don't think that they really understood how bad this would be but neither did I.

I didn't do this to warrant any sympathy or pity. I wrote this to help others. I wanted to help the survivors know that whatever they are going through it is ok to go through that. There are so many survivors who feel so alone and kill themselves. It is ok to not be ok. Some people will not understand how you feel and that's ok for them to not understand because sometimes we don't even understand what we feel and why we feel that way.

I also did this post because maybe it will help others who aren't survivors understand this is our new normal we try to get better but certain things will be a part of our new normal for a while or maybe forever. We don't expect you to know what we are going through nor do we expect that you understand what's going on. We do want you to understand that this is hard for us and that we are going through our own form of hell. We will be moody and may lash out for this we are sorry. This a hard thing for us one we can't control and wish we didn't have to go through but here we are.

What can non survivors do to help? Stop saying those little clichés, we know you mean well but just stop. Being told "keep your head up you'll get through this" doesn't help. We just want to here stuff like "that sucks" "I'm sorry you went through that" and "I'm here for you." Don't say something you don't mean. Get us out of the house and just be a decent human and friend to us. We are already going through a lot don't add on. Don't victim shame or be little our struggle.

I hope this helps others and I hope next year will be better.