Why I won't stand with the 'All Men' theory.

The #me too movement is a movement rightly dedicated to women speaking up about abuse and rape they have suffered. I am one of those who spoke up about my own suffering of rape and abuse. I am also one of those women who hates going out at night, is constantly looking over my shoulder, and is afraid of suffering the more than violent torment of my past. I am also a woman who deeply struggled because the authorities blam everything on my mental health when I spoke my truth, lost my children because of the torture of the mental health problems I suffered for years because of what I had been through and misdiagnose, and because of that I am still suffering some symptoms of PTSD.

However, there is one thing I cannot support, that is the theory that it is 'all men who abuse.' Now, many have said to me 'but it is all men.' Many of these women have been attacked by mostly men, and they are causing women like myself to stay silent about what we have been through with both men and women. Any person regardless of gender, age, sexuality can go through violence, and it knows no gender. Violent people do not care about gender, they only seek to get their kicks from it. Many of you might disagree and argue 'but statistics show it is mostly men.' This might very well be true, but there are also many people out there, both men and women alike, who today, still feel to ashamed to speak out. Some of these people may be from the LGBTQ community, others may have been victims of crime that ended with them being raped or assaulted by both.

I have written many stories about my past, which by the way tormented me from 18 years up. I am now 44 years old, and it still torments me today, more so because I was never heard when I spoke out, labeled as 'violent' and 'mentally ill' for defending myself when I did speak out, and the fact that I was struggling to bring up young children at that time as a result of the violent assaults I faced on myself and on my home from men and women alike in my community. I was also raped by a man and a woman at that time in front of my children. Until the last few years, I was ashamed and embarrassed to say 'this happened to me,' because I find I get abused for it because the world has developed a theory that 'it is all men.' Whenever I mention it on social media, it is mostly the women who dismiss my experience.

The majority of the assaults and abuse I have faced over the years were both men and women. I actually hear more women shouting and swearing in the street and threatening people nowadays, more than I hear men do it.

I understand how distressing it can be when a police officer who comes from a job that is meant to have a 'zero tolerance' policy on violence murders a person, especially the brutal tragedy of Clare Parry who was murdered by PC Timothy Brehmer in Bournemouth, where I live. I am fuming over that myself, because before I moved to Bournemouth I was living in dangerous circumstances, followed repeatedly and attacked by the very people I was trying to escape, which is why I left my hometown to move here myself. It gets me as angry as it gets you because after everything I have been through which has been repeated rape, assault, emotional and psychological abuse and many other acts of violence where I was ignored, which I will repeat was by both men and women, sometimes in gangs and sometimes alone. I have worked really hard over the years to attempt to build my trust with the police and local authorities again, and it makes me wonder 'why do I bother?' I often have to turn the television off when I hear about the brutal attacks that police are launching against others, and the same goes for black people of who I have learned face so much abuse, often ending up beaten and murdered by the police in the face of arrests. However, over the years, I learned not to tarnish everyone with the same brush, after I was found in the street in a vulnerable state after what I had been through, and two male officers and a male ambulance crew helped me to get the help I needed, even though I could barely speak and was terrified to let them get near me because in my past I too have had some brutal treatment from the authorities because of my PTSD and my past problems.

It took me years to trust men and women again, and when I say women were as violent to me as men, that is my truth and I'm not afraid to speak it. In fact, the only way to stop the violence, is if we speak out about it as a whole.

https://www.ons.gov.uk/aboutus/transparencyandgovernance/freedomofinformationfoi/womencommittingviolentcrimes This link shows that between the years 2000 and the year ending March 2017, the offender was female but varied between 11 and 18%. Many would say 'but that's low compared to the number of men attacking females,' however we still have a situation where men find it extremely difficult to talk about the female violence they have suffered, and we live in a world where women are also silenced from talking about it. I remember the first time I spoke out about the incidents where I was attacked and raped by both genders, on some occasions, it wasn't just 'one man and one woman,' it was gangs of them. These were not just one-off incidents either, they were happening to me in front of my children every day. This was in a different area, not where I live now, and in that area, I was ignored. There was an occasion when I reported two females for stealing my child benefits book, and despite the past history of arrests for drugs and violence, and GBH, these women were cautioned and they got away with it. I had no idea they had been arrested for such things until I came home and found them in my home while I was out buying wallpaper. They were told by the police to stay away from me, but I lived in a block, and after they found out they had been reported, they attacked me and threatened me in front of my children again. I became afraid to take my children to nursery and appointments by myself because these two females also attacked me in the street while I was pushing my pram and they stole my purse, in broad daylight. During the same week this happened, I went shopping with my children, and I was pushed into a wall and punched by 3 women who I didn't know, and I was called some horrible names.

When I first moved to Bournemouth, as you can understand I was terrified of both men and women. I avoided talking and making friends with either of them for many long years. The only man I trusted was the man I was married to, and the only females I spoke to was my daughters. I spent 6 long years living here, alone and with no friends because of it. When I went out, I only ever did that with family, because I had a deep fear that if I tried making friends again, I would be attacked. My husband supported me through that, by helping me and encouraging me to use the DBT techniques I had been given after having my children taken from me because I was made a victim and instead of my truth being heard, I was constantly accused of lying by some professionals...the very people I was supposed to be able to trust. It took a long time, and like it or not the majority of people who taught me to be friends and helped me regain my trust were in fact men, and these men had an understanding of my past issues, understood my fear more than the women did, and helped me through thick and thin, so I don't want forgiveness for saying 'it's not all men' because after what I have experienced, I can say that!

During this time, I also needed to build my trust in women again, given the fact that I am also bi-sexual. After I had gained my confidence, I tried to do this and found myself discriminated against by more women than men, on grounds of mental health disability and on grounds of the fact, that what I had been through, had landed my children in the system, regardless of the fact (which is documented in my records) that this was not my fault or to do with me abusing my children, but more to do with the effects of the symptoms of my mental health coming out uncontrollably in front of my children. I was also sniggered at, threatened, and discriminated against for not being like the other women and also because I and my husband had vulnerabilities and needed support, which caused us a few complicated relationship problems.

I am not against women speaking out about their experiences of violence, assault, and rape from men. I am proud of these people for coming forward, as it also taught me to have a voice. However no violent situation is the same, and it knows no gender. A female can rape, assault and abuse as much as a man, and we know from cases such as this one https://news.yahoo.com/woman-accused-bar-assaults-233300692.html that women are also capable of abuse. It might appear to be rare, but in some cases, it is rarely talked about. We can't as women expect abusive men to change if we are going to stay silent about our own gender's abusive behavior.

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